Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A pubic hare!

2007-12-03 15:51:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor asked him to walk daily for 5 kms.

After a month,the doctor called his fat patient and asked how he is doing.

The man replied,"oh,it is frightening.I am 150 kms away from the house"

2007-12-03 15:50:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you dont like this then dont answer!!!

ok so theres this guy in California and he really rich. he says to his servant, "i want you to go to Hong Kong and get me 5 ping pong balls. be back by next week, i have a match against the neighbors." so the servant left.
5 yrs later, the servent came back, and he had a huge sack with 5 buldges in it. the rich man thought he was long gone, because he was gone for so long, but when he came back, all ratted and battered up, the rich man was angry. "why have you been gone sooo long?! all i wanted was 5 ping pong balls, ready made from hong kong!!!"
then the servant looks bewildered and says, "5 ping pong balls??? i thought you said 5 king kong balls!!"

hahahahhahahhahahahaha!! i cracked up when i first heard it!!

2007-12-03 15:32:16 · 23 answers · asked by ۞sweet_cookie۞ 3

A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table with a fixed grin.

The wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," he sighed, "She's my old girlfriend." I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

;-)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2007-12-03 14:54:29 · 26 answers · asked by ? 7

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are
something else. How do you manage it?"

The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
"Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"

The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."

2007-12-03 14:16:57 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. There is a bullet which can shoot through any barrier. Let's also say there is an absolutely bullet-proof armor which no object can penetrate. What will happen if such a bullet hits such an armor?

2. A girl goes into the past and kills her Grandmother. Since her Grandmother is dead, the girl was never born. If she were never born, she never killed her grandmother. Is there girl or the Grandmother still in existence?

3. If the temperature this morning is 0 degrees and the Weather Channel says, "It will be twice as cold tomorrow," so what will the temperature be?

4. What happens if you are in a car going the speed of light and you turn the headlights on?

5. When you enter a public bus, the driver will pull a lever to open the door for you. So at the end of the day, when the bu driver exits the bus, who closes the door?

2007-12-03 14:14:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

She went skydiving, and they picked her up on radar.

2007-12-03 14:13:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!"

The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

2007-12-03 14:11:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.

2007-12-03 14:07:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Keep the content clean people. I don't want to have to report you.

2007-12-03 14:06:11 · 7 answers · asked by Breezy 4

Hi I am Chuck. I drive 1976 LTD with spoiler T rims. I am a Pig Farmer. I’m looking far a wife. Both of my teeth are very white. I use Brylcreem. I am cute. Must be able to cook which might eliminate 99.9% of yawl. I like tofu and grits far breakfast. I have 9 dogs. We must share our trailer wud Uncle Pete and his wife. Cousin Billy and his gal, George and his husband, and auntie Bob. I love walks on the Farm. Romantic hay ride with the dogs. I am 4.11 ft. and 300 lbs of nothing but sweet pig farming baby boy. My Ideal date must dip same brand of snuff. If you feel that you are that lucky puppy give this pig farmer a squeal.

2007-12-03 13:46:48 · 24 answers · asked by chuckfertea 3

If girls with big brea sts works at Hooters....
Where do girls with one leg work....?



Saw this on My favorite sitcom tonight....1st person w/correct answer gets 10 points......Save to watchlist if you want to find out the answer.....

2007-12-03 13:43:15 · 8 answers · asked by karens lovinlife 6

my mom came over and brought me chicken soup she looked at me as if something hasd changed like if been run over by a rein deer I looked at her had a tear in my eye and said I'm not feeling well then she looked up and said(have you been cutting your hair again it looks terriable)I said no mom it stopped growing .At that time I really needed to here somthing in.. spy..ring.....Whats your foccus on whats important to you. MY FREAKING HAIR OR EARTH

2007-12-03 13:10:24 · 23 answers · asked by saveitok 6

2007-12-03 13:01:30 · 8 answers · asked by hairyimp 2

a perfect couple meet and gets married.They have a perfect wedding, And have a perfect christmas together. After the christmas party they see someone who needs help on the road. They take him in their car and take him to the mechanic, they realize its santa claus. On the way ther they get in a car accident,. Only one survived, who was it?
The woman because there is no such thig as Santa claus or a perfect man :} [ just for humor dont mean to be offensive]

2007-12-03 12:54:38 · 12 answers · asked by newyorkgirl9413 2

Think before you speak...


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

2007-12-03 12:45:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked " Do you know what it is?" Johnny replied "No." The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Johnny said "Noooo." The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint....it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.


"JOHNNY, SPIT IT OUT..........IT'S A PIECE OF ***!"

2007-12-03 12:42:40 · 9 answers · asked by Mike D 3

A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.
"Not tonight, dear," she says. "I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow." The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.

"Honey, stop," she says. "I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning."

"I know," he answers. "But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?"

lolerz. my friend told me that 2day and it took me a while but i got it =)

2007-12-03 12:34:57 · 33 answers · asked by Preciouz Chloe 1

Why is Tuesday a math teachers favorite day? EASY TEN POINTS!

2007-12-03 12:02:01 · 2 answers · asked by Caylan 2

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"

God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."

2007-12-03 12:01:19 · 18 answers · asked by free the weed 3

One Saturday morning, Glen decided to go fishing.

He sat there for hours,but nothing. The bottle whiskey that he've took with him,was also empty. He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.

All of a sudden, there was something on the hook. He pulled the fish out of the water. The only fish for the day so far. The fish was so small, Glen decided to throw it back.

The little fish was so exited, to such an extend, that it decided to give Glen one wish.

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey. The fish said, "Allright then, when you're urinating, it will be pure whiskey."

So Glen sat there, and wonder, can this really be? Glen took a glass and urinate in it. It was pure, pure whiskey.

A while later, a women, who was standing nearby, comes to him and asks, "sir are you allright? I saw you drinking your own piss.

"No", said Glen, "it's whiskey."

The women laughed. He urinate into the glass, and gave it to her. She could'nt believe it.

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking whiskey.

After about the seventh double, she asks Glen for a nother one. He looked her in the eye, throw the glass into pieces against the rock and said "What about drinking out of the bottle?"

2007-12-03 11:59:01 · 12 answers · asked by free the weed 3

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all running from the cops. One of them sees a barn and they all decide to try and hide. On the ground in the barn lies three potato sacks so each of the girls take one. As the cops enter the barn they see the potato sacks and kick the first one with the brunette. the brunette says "meow, meow" the cops are pissed "damn cats". Then they kick the next sack. the redhead says "ruff ruff". the cops are furious " damn dogs. They finally kick the last bag with the blonde and she goes "potatoes potatoes! "

poor blonde's

2007-12-03 11:53:24 · 10 answers · asked by ImaLittlebitRock 2

"Back To Black"

He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black



[ www.azlyrics.com ]

2007-12-03 11:36:31 · 5 answers · asked by muggimoms 2

On your keyboard:
start with Esc.

1. move 2 keys down
2. 4 keys right
3. 1 down
4. four keys left
5. 1 down
6. 9 keys right
7. 1 down
8. 7 right
9. 3 keys up
10. 3 keys left

TYPE THE FINAL KEY YOU LANDED ON!
9.

2007-12-03 11:26:56 · 6 answers · asked by •▐☺xXxHäV☼KxXx☺▐ • 4

Billl Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush went into a rest room, The man on the door said, Be careful there is a magic mirror in there and anyone who doesn't tell the truth will be sucked into it..If you tell the truth you will be rewarded..
Well Bill Clinton was washing his hands and looking into the mirror and said "What the heck i'm gonna have a go."..I think i am smarter than the other 2 in here. and he was rewarded with a wadge of money....
Al Gore said" oohh i like that i'm gonna have a go.and so he said "I think i care about the enviroment more than the other two in here" and he was rewarded the same as Mr. Clinton
George Bush thought oh wow i'm having a go at that and so he said " I think "and he was immediately sucked into the mirror.......

2007-12-03 11:06:44 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

can u explain what hue and cry is??also can u give directions fron oneplace to unother the adam travels to......thanks :)))

2007-12-03 11:01:48 · 4 answers · asked by Blonde Gal 2

A man and woman are?
driving along when they see a wounded skunk at the side of the road....they stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and takes it back to the car. She says " Look it's shivering it must be cold , what should i do ? "quick" says the husband "put it between your legs" "But what about the smell" says she,
The man said" well "

"HOLD ITS NOSE."

2007-12-03 10:52:57 · 23 answers · asked by chris w. 7

The teacher was giving an english lesson on stuttering. She said "Did you know that humans are the only species that stutter?"
Johnny put his hand up, and said "No miss. My cat stutters."
Intrigued, the teacher said "Really Johnny, How do you know?"
Johhny replied "Because the cat was walking along our fence yesterday, and the next door neighbours rott weiler got off his chain & saw the cat. The cat saw him and said 'fffff... ffffff... fffff...' but before he could say 'FU*K' the dog jumped the fence and ate him."

2007-12-03 10:17:08 · 7 answers · asked by Mrs. Miller 6

One day a blonde and a brunnette were walking in the park. The brunnette looks down and sees a dead bird."Aww,a dead bird!"Then the blonde looks up in the sky and says"Where?!"

A blonde and a brunnette were sisters and decided to start a farm together.They had $150.00 to buy a bull. The brunette went to the owner of the bull and bought it. It cost $149.99. While she was driving home she ran out of gas. She was next to a gas station that let people make telegraphs for1 cent."You only have enough for one word." said the manager."choose carefully". It didn't take her long." I want the word comfortable."she said. "Why?" asked the manager. "Well,my sister reads very slow. Com for da bull."

There was a magic cliff,that if you jump off of and say anything, you'll become it. A brunnette jumped off. "Eagle!" And she turned into an eagle. A red-head ran off and said "Sparrow!" And she turned into a sparrow. Then, a blonde ran up and tripped. "Crap!"She turned into crap.

2007-12-03 10:14:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
"You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going
to
tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body

part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."
Mrs Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

2007-12-03 10:03:03 · 15 answers · asked by shinersd 2