Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

sometime"s when you cry,
no one see"s your tear"s,

sometime"s when your worried
no one see"s your pain,

sometime"s when your happy
no one one see"s your smile

BUT FART F*CKING ONCE!!

2007-12-04 07:24:52 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

The honeymoon couple are in the bridal suite preparing for serious action. The man removes his shirt revealing his bulging muscles. The woman gasps at the sight. " This is so dynamite," says the man and struts about like a peacock. He removes his pants and the muscles of his legs ripple and throb. The woman gasps at the wonderful sight. "This is so dynamite," the peacock says and carries on strutting. When he reveals himself in the all-in-all, she gives him one look, screams loudly and bolts out of the door. He catches up with her in the empty corridor and asks, "What the hell! Why 're you running?" She says, " All that dynamite and such a small fuse! I'm outa here."

2007-12-04 07:12:35 · 8 answers · asked by ven_god_ky 3

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair and expected to catch her in the act.
The driver agreed and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights and pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man’s head and the wife shouted “Don’t do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Sports car I said I had bought for you. Who do you think paid for the new boat, he did!”
The husband looked at the cab driver and said
“What would you do in a case like this?”
The cabbie smiled and said “I’d cover him up before he catches cold!

2007-12-04 07:08:20 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the last company picnic, management had decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups:

http://ifindkarma.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/copicnic.jpg

.

2007-12-04 07:00:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

?

2007-12-04 06:40:31 · 3 answers · asked by cucumis_sativus 5

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."
________________________________________________

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"
________________________________________________

Star if you like them!!

2007-12-04 06:34:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you have any good jokes? Any would be appreciated!! Thanx!!

2007-12-04 06:28:33 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!”

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more, “FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied, “NO you idiot!…this is the Ice-Rink Manager.”

2007-12-04 06:03:35 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ 2

pulled up and said hey baby wanna play, the hooker replied, I tell you what lets make a bet, if you can make a better rhyme than me, then I will play with you all day for free, If you lose I get all your money and your corvette, the rich guy agreed. The hooker said okay, 3 & 3 is 6,6 & 3 is 9 I can measure the length of yours but you cant measure the depth of mine. She of course won the bet. So she is cruisin around town in the corvette with the huge bag of money and she sees a bum walking down the street with a fifth of jack. She really like this game and she wanted the jack,so she pulls over and tells the bum that She bets his fifth of jack for her body, corvette and bag of money that she can make a better rhyme than him. Well, no brainer the bum agrees. She says the ryhme again 3&3 is 6, 6 &3 is 9 I can measure the length of yours but you cant measure the depth of mine. The bum is thinking... and he says yes, 3 & 3 is 6 6 & 3 is 9 I can piss in yours but you cant piss in mine!!!!

2007-12-04 06:01:29 · 8 answers · asked by married with kids 3

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. Then replied, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lilly put up her hand. "Yes, Lilly?" asked the teacher.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lilly," said the teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.

Second, you have a DIRTY mind.

And thirdly, I fear, one day in the future, you are going to be sadly disappointed, because no other part expands to 10 time

2007-12-04 05:59:44 · 17 answers · asked by Paulus 6

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins ......

If you don't like it, Please don't comment. Thank you

2007-12-04 05:52:01 · 7 answers · asked by loving life!!!!! 6

indicate the way to my abode
for i,m fatigued and i wish to retire
i partook a small tipple sixty minutes ago
whats tranversed to my cranium
no matter where i prambulate
in inclement weather
you shall always hear me singing this melody
indicate the way to my abode

sung to the tune of :-

show me the way to go home
for i,m tired and i wanna go to bed
i had a little drink about an hour ago
and its gone straight to me head
no matter where i roam
in wind and rain and snow
you'll allways hear me singing this song
SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME!

2007-12-04 05:47:07 · 7 answers · asked by shergal farkey 4

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

2007-12-04 05:32:51 · 5 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

There was an Airforce Captain out for a stroll, when he encountered a little boy playing on the sidewalk. Upon further inspection, he realized the boy was playing with dog poo. "Whatcha doin there, son?" he asked the boy. "Makin a Marine, sir!!" the little boy said with a grin. The Captain was thrilled with this, and immediately ran off to find one of his marine buddies. When the pair returned to where the boy was playing, the Captain urged his friend to ask the boy what he was doing with the poo. Again, with a smile, the little boy said "Makin a marine, sir!" Enraged, the Marine asked "Why in the %*&#! didn't you make an Airforce Captain?!"

The boy just shrugged his shoulders and said "Aint got enough poo for that."

2007-12-04 05:19:52 · 11 answers · asked by wrldzgr8stdad 4

a hearse pulls away really fast and the casket shoots out the back door ,it rolls down the road at 60mph,through 2 sets of red traffic lights,crashes though a chemist shop door and stops in front of the serving counter,the lid of the casket opens and a body of a man sits up and says to the pharmacist.....'can you give me something to stop this coffin'....groan!

2007-12-04 05:18:32 · 12 answers · asked by jonny stud 1

What's ET short for?







Cos he's got little legs.....hehehehe

2007-12-04 05:04:45 · 11 answers · asked by EmmaKitty 2

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

2007-12-04 04:57:21 · 18 answers · asked by jesse m_violated for nothing 3

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

2007-12-04 04:53:07 · 7 answers · asked by jesse m_violated for nothing 3

A naked blond walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a salami under the other. She sits down and puts the poodle on the table. The bartender looks at her ands says, " I guess you won't be needing a drink." and the blond says......

2007-12-04 04:43:20 · 4 answers · asked by 2-cool-2-b-me 1

Can you write a limerick using all of the following words?: bath, gym, float, yoga, tooth.......good luck (I know I can't!!)

2007-12-04 04:35:27 · 11 answers · asked by Marmelade 2

....A Tuna.


I know, it's sad. But it made me smile. x

2007-12-04 04:22:29 · 16 answers · asked by Kathie 4

Confessional ramblings on - a personal experience, with humiliation....hi, I'm Grace. (Disgrace<<<)

2007-12-04 04:15:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

CHINESE FORTUNE COOKIES:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry..
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement..

2007-12-04 04:15:32 · 6 answers · asked by Oz 7

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window stating the following: "Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time, the manager was totally dumbfounded.

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

2007-12-04 04:14:19 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

When jonny was traveling with his wife in an taxi, the driver adjusted mirror. jonny shouted,
"You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
**************************************...
One tourist from U.S.A. (in india) asked to jonny: Any great man born in this village???
jonny: no sir, only small Babies!!!
**************************************...
jonny was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same.Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.Suddenly jonny said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
**************************************...
jonny asked his wife after returning to india from a foriegn trip "Do i look like a forienger ?"
Wife: No why?
jonny: In London a lady asked me "Are you a forienger?"

2007-12-04 04:05:28 · 3 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

When jonny was traveling with his wife in an taxi, the driver adjusted mirror. Banta shouted,
"You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.
******************************************************
One tourist from U.S.A. (in india) asked to jonny: Any great man born in this village???
jonny: no sir, only small Babies!!!
******************************************************
jonny was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same.Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk.Suddenly jonny said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.
**************************************************
jonny asked his wife after returning to india from a foriegn trip "Do i look like a forienger ?"
Wife: No why?
jonny: In London a lady asked me "Are you a forienger?"

2007-12-04 04:02:06 · 3 answers · asked by gunkedar 2

2007-12-04 03:59:29 · 3 answers · asked by cok.anut 1

A Russian couple was walking down the road when Ivan felt a drop of something land on his nose. 'Ah,' he said, 'the first snow of the winter.'
'No,' said his wife, Olga. 'I think youll find that it is raining.'
No, it was snow,' insisted Ivan. Just then they spotted, Rudolph Kroninsky (head of the Russian Communist Party, for those who dont know) walking towards them.
'Comrade Kroninsky,' said Ivan, taking off his cap. 'Would you be so kind as to tell us whether it is snowing or raining?'
'Raining, Comrades,' he said and walked on.
'No, no, no' insisted Ivan, 'he's wrong'
His wife looked at him pityingly and said: '"Rudolph" the Red knows rain, dear.

2007-12-04 03:56:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This Year's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint
Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled
out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle",
he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out
a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through
his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?? The man
replied, "These are Carols."


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

2007-12-04 03:21:30 · 16 answers · asked by Oz 7

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen.So he asked, "God, are you listening?"

And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here."

The man stopped and pondered some more.

He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replied, "In a second."

2007-12-04 03:18:34 · 19 answers · asked by puma 4