Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

One day, a blonde was walking down the street when she saw a man and a woman sitting on their front porch. She decides to go ask them if they have any odd jobs that she could do.

"Hello, mister, do you have any work that needs to be done?"

"Why yes, actually, I need my back porch painted." he replies.

So he takes the blonde and gives her the paint and tells her to come and see him when she was done.

When the man re-enters the house, the wife has some suspicions about her, because she is a blonde.

"Everything will be fine," he says.

A half hour later, the blonde comes back in and says she was done.

"Already?"

"Yes, I even had enough time to do two coats." she says

The man says, "how much you do want for the job?"

"50$ will be fine" she says.

"Are you sure? it's a pretty big one."

"Yes, I'm sure."

So he gives her the 50 $ dollars and the blonde starts to leave, but then she turns around and says, "By the way, that's not a Porshe (porch) it's a *

2007-12-04 03:15:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

how many responses can you add?

2007-12-04 03:01:49 · 10 answers · asked by xfileaddict1969 2

Ugly bloke walks into a pub with a big grin on his face ! What are you so happy about says the barman!!!??? , well i live near the railway and on my way home last night i noticed a woman tied to the tracks , i cut her free , took her home and we ended up shaggin all night!!!!!!
Nice one , said the barman , Did you get a BLO* JOb????
No! the man replys............I never found her head!!!!

2007-12-04 02:57:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, “Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.

Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but that in itself just isn’t enough to get you into Heaven.” The lawyer quickly retaliated, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.

Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

2007-12-04 02:31:15 · 14 answers · asked by jay_gblink 3

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

2007-12-04 02:17:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

2007-12-04 02:16:00 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

an old man in hospital,and in intensive care,has machinery measuring ,blood pressure,heart rate, pulse etc., and wears an oxygen mask,there is a young nurse sitting beside his bed keeping watch on him,suddenly she hears ''nurse,are my testicles black"?,she is taken aback but asks,"can you repeat that sir",again she hears,"are my testicles black?,so she thinks,I suppose i'm here to help and aid the sick so I had better check,so she throws back the bedcovers unties his pyjamas and examines his nether regions,after a minute or two she puts every thing back, ties his pyjamas and tidys the bed the says to the man," sir! I can assure you that your testicles are not black", the old boy lifts his finger to lift up the oxygen mask and say weakly," nurse, that was marvelous,I really enjoyed that but could you tell me, are my test results back"

2007-12-04 02:10:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A grief-stricken man threw himself on a grave and cried bitterly, "My life, oh how senseless is it! How worthless everything about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different!"

A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"

2007-12-04 02:06:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

2007-12-04 02:05:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

2007-12-04 02:03:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!”

2007-12-04 02:00:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

2007-12-04 01:56:38 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

2007-12-04 01:53:59 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

2007-12-04 01:52:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!
___________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
__________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
____________ _

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
____________ __

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. !

2007-12-04 01:49:58 · 6 answers · asked by Light Shielded By Dark 5

Why do men always get their best ideas during sex ????

Because they're plugged into a f**king genius.


Q. Did you hear about the blind hooker?
A. You really have to hand it to her!!


A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

2007-12-04 01:48:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I got a wwhasky Whabbit VN for a christmas carol song
We are on a huntin expedition again for whasky whabbits
Elmer fell asleep on patrol So I need to help him and anyone else can join us for Whabbit vn huntin
the Q was F__c 7 play the eskimo ___ conspire ___

I Don't understand why I got a whaskly Whabbit for that..

2007-12-04 01:38:11 · 2 answers · asked by NIFman 5

One day a woman goes into a serious operation. After surgery the woman wakes up and see that all the shades in the room are closed. When the nurse comes in the woman asked "Why the shades are drawn. Its really dark in here." The nurse replies "The surgery was a success. But there is a huge fire in the building next door and we did not want you to thinking that it failed."

2007-12-04 01:13:35 · 7 answers · asked by Pat 1

2007-12-04 00:16:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

deck the halls with poison ivy
fa la la la la la la la la

tis the season to be naughty
fa la la la la la la la la

break a window, pop a tire
fa la la la la la la la la

set your Christmas on fire
fa la la la la la la la la

2007-12-04 00:06:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once again, im sorry for the blondes out there, i cant help it! i think this is quite old...but, yeah!

what's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?


?? do u know ??

:P

if ya kno the answer, just say it! and stars if this is a good one! ty in advance

2007-12-04 00:04:28 · 12 answers · asked by it's a secret 2

im really sorry for the blondes out there, but this is funny to me! (no offense!) btw, im 13...so, yeah :) and this joke is kinda old, but its funny! :D

three girls, a blonde, brunette and redhead went to the doctor to see if they had a boy or a girl(since they were pregnant, duh!) The redhead goes first: "please doctor, tell me whether il have a girl or a boy!"
doctor: "were u on the top or the bottom?"
redhead: "top..."
doctor: "congratulations! its a boy!"
then the brunette asks: how about me?
doctor: "top or bottom?"
brunette: "bottom, of course!"
doctor: "its a GIRL!
then, the BLONDE goes:
"oh no! i'm gonna have a puppy!!!!"

do u guys get it, or not?
if u dnt, then ask me...somehow...

2007-12-03 23:41:56 · 7 answers · asked by it's a secret 2

Twas the night before Christmas
and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred,
they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung
on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts
and old underwear.

I was working the night shift
compiling stats,
Answering the phone,
and feeding the rat.

When all of a sudden
there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk
to see what was the matter!

I opened the door
with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man
I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture
a time or two,
He was wanted:
Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door
and commanded him “Freeze!”
“Put your hands on you head
and get down on your knees.”

But he turned and he ran,
up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit,
toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof
Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys
and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,
he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell
landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced
with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers
covering my flank.

“On Dasher, on Dancer!”,
he cried loud and clear.
Then I got off three rounds
and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say
as he sailed into the blue,
“Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!”

2007-12-03 23:31:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands. He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand... The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

2007-12-03 23:28:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large number of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.

"Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil.

"Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!

"I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil.

"Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!

"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!

2007-12-03 23:05:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"

2007-12-03 23:04:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!

2007-12-03 23:03:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon
and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and
coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking,
but I am not hungry right now. It's the Viagra. It has
taken the edge off my appetite."




At lunchtime, she again asked if he would like something
to eat. A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich.
He declines. "The Viagra really trashes my desire
for food, " he says.




Comes dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
A rib eye steak , scrumptious apple pie, or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry. Again he declines. "No, "
he says, "It's got to be the Viagra...I'm
still not hungry."


"Well, " she says, "Would you mind letting
me up, I'm starving!"

2007-12-03 22:54:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become
pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status,
she consulted the family doctor.




The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful,
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter
to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and
give her a box of condoms.




Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the woman told her about the situation and handed
her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached
over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't
have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

2007-12-03 22:52:09 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is best yo momma joke?
top 100 yo momma jokes (plz dont repeat answers)

2007-12-03 22:50:37 · 2 answers · asked by Mujed A 2