Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Little Johnny was playing in the park when he saw his father walk into the woods with his wife's sister. He followed them and saw them making out. he ran back home to tell his mother..."Mummy, gasp, mummy, I just saw Daddy and Auntie Jean...they were...they were..."

His mother calmed him down and told him to take his time...

"I saw Daddy take Aunty Jean go into the woods, he took off her blouse, she took off his trousers, she lay on the ground and..."

His mother stopped him there and told him to tell his story over dinner (so as to embarass her husband).
When they were eating she asked him..."What did you say you saw today Johnny....go on tell us."

"I saw Daddy and Auntie Jean go into the woods, he took off her blouse, she took down his trousers, she lay on the ground...and then, and then.."

"And then what, Johnny...tell us, we are dying to know.."

"And then....they did that thing you and Uncle Jeff did when Dad was away in the Army."

2007-12-05 01:58:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation By not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store And bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, Enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
Came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father, '
Nodding and addressing each of them individually, Then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store And bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw
them!

2007-12-05 01:56:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very attractive blonde woman arrives at a casino and bets £20.000 on a single roll of the dice.

"I hope you don't mind," she says, "But I feel much luckier when I am completely naked."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells out, "Yes! I've won! I' ve won!" She jumps up and down, hugs each of the dealers, scoops up all the chips on the table as well as her clothes and then quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other utterly dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "So, what did she roll?"

"No idea," replies the other. "I thought you were watching the dice"

2007-12-05 01:52:19 · 12 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

I got nothing against blondes,in fact I love them,after this I am posting a blonde man joke.....
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in ROANOKE were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think
is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
can you see Florida...?????"




CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the
story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"




SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a
huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"

2007-12-05 01:41:46 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the nudist colony the most popular fellow was one who could hold ten doughnuts and one tray of pints of lager in each of his hands.

So who was the most popular woman?





A - The woman that could eat the last doughnut?

2007-12-05 01:40:43 · 31 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50."

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2007-12-05 01:40:39 · 9 answers · asked by tlalteutli 4

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few
days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.




" I am better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful
experience " he replied.




" Wonderful ? How can the flu be wonderful ? "
I asked in stunned disbelief !




" Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You
know that whenever the mail-man came by or a delivery man
headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them ? I could
hear her excitedly saying, My husband is home ! My husband
is home "

2007-12-05 01:36:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer truthfuly (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be 'no'?

2007-12-05 01:26:55 · 34 answers · asked by tlalteutli 4

A woman was leaving a coffee shop
with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.




A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one.




Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a
pit bull on a leash.




Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women
walking single file.




The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.




She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog
and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen
a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"




"My husband's."




"What happened to him?"




The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."




She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?"




The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

2007-12-05 01:13:41 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Knock Knock
Who's there?
You know.
You Know Who?
Yup.Avada Kedavra

2007-12-05 00:50:25 · 14 answers · asked by Aj 3

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of
>>goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts
>>flipping through pictures and reminiscing.
>>
>>"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
>>
>>The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
>>
>>Mom says, "He's a martyr now."
>>
>>"Oh, so sad, my dear."
>>
>>Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He
>>would be 21."
>>
>>"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
>>
>>Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
>>
>>"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.
>>
>>"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18,"
>>Mom whispers.
>>
>>"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
>>started school".
>>
>>"He's a martyr also," Mom says, with tears in her eyes.
>>
>>After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
>>wistfully at the photos and says, "They blow up so fast, don't
>>they?"

2007-12-05 00:14:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

......n-joy life!!!! Dnt 4get 2 star..... Cheers!!!

Once Santa Singh sardarji was taking rest in a beach . . . An English man came 2 him and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Santa replied : "NO! I'm Santa singh" :) . . .
After sometime another English man came and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Santa replied :"NO! I'm Santa Singh" :) . . .
After that he got fed up when again a English man asked that ... so he left that place in anger . . . After leaving the place, while he was walking, he saw one Englishman sitting aside alone .. He went near him and asked the man "Are u relaxing?".
The Englishman replied "YES! I'm relaxing" . . .
SANTA GAVE HIM 2 SLAPS AND SAID "
All are searching for u there and u are sitting here alone! "

2007-12-05 00:10:53 · 22 answers · asked by World Vision 4

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

2007-12-04 23:53:48 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teacher was trying to see if the kids knew how to get to heaven.
"If I were to clean the church for free..would that get me into heaven?"
An unanimous .."NO!"
"If I were to sell my car and give the money to the church...could I go to heaven?"
"NO!"
"if i were to sell my house and everything in it and use the money to by the children some sweets and the animals some food...would that get me into heaven?"
A resounding "NO!!" again.
"Very good children, can anyone explain to me why?"
Johnny put his hand up and said "You have to be phucking dead first Miss."

2007-12-04 23:33:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

2007-12-04 23:29:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

2007-12-04 23:26:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-04 23:24:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

2007-12-04 23:17:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his p*nis in the mommys v*gina. Thats how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddys p*nis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

2007-12-04 23:14:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

2007-12-04 23:12:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

2007-12-04 23:12:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a religious yong woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me faqther for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me 7 times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze 7 lemons into a glass then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No but it will wipe the smile off your face!"

2007-12-04 23:10:55 · 2 answers · asked by mumma claw 2

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my p**sy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

2007-12-04 23:08:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The financial times crossword.

2007-12-04 22:39:29 · 18 answers · asked by taxed till i die,and then some. 7

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.


The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

2007-12-04 22:11:11 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

it was a shitzu

2007-12-04 21:54:49 · 9 answers · asked by looby 6

and to get into heaven saint peter says
'you must have something on you that represents christmas'
First up was a English man who flicked his lighter and said 'it's a candle'.
So saint peter lets him past.
Next up was a welsh man, who jingled his keys and said 'their bells' so again saint peter lets him past.
Third up was the irish man who pulled out a G-string,and saint peter asked
'what the **** do those have to do with christmas?!'
Paddy replies ' Their CAROLS!!

2007-12-04 21:52:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

well have you

2007-12-04 21:42:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I'm 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many grandchildren.
Yesterday I picked up 2 college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them 3 times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old................. I'm telling everybody!"

2007-12-04 21:34:32 · 7 answers · asked by mumma claw 2

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.

Nurse Jones saw him and said "Mr. Smith! I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "Today is the viewing."

2007-12-04 21:01:35 · 13 answers · asked by Peace =) 4