Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

I called it Mohammed, and sold it today on e-bay for £20


Now that's what I call a Prophet!

2007-12-05 19:46:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

(You can groan and hiss now!)

2007-12-05 19:37:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just screwing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

2007-12-05 19:34:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Artery.............Study of paintings
Bacteria.........Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium...........What to do when treatment fails
Bowel.............Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section....District in Rome
Cat Scan........Searching for Kitty
Cauterize.......Make eye contact with her
Colic..............Sheep Dog
Coma.............Punctuation Mark
Congenital.....Friendly
D & C.............Where Washington is
Dilate.............To live long
Enema...........Not a friend
Fester............Quicker
Genital...........Non-Jewish
Hang Nail.......Coat Hook
Impotent........Distinguished, well known
Labor pain.....Hurt at work
Morbid...........Higher offer
Nitrate............Cheeper than day
Node..............Was aware of
Outpatient.....Person fainted
Post op.........Letter Carrier
Recovery Room.........Place to apholster
Rectum.........Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic....Amorous
Secretion......Hiding something
Tablet...........Small table
Terminal Illness......Sick at Airport
Tibia.............Country in North Africa
Tumor..........More than One
Urine............Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose.......Nearby
Vein..............Conceited

2007-12-05 19:32:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV . . . as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk

-----------------------------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

2007-12-05 19:27:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hate that question especially when asked by someone you've just met for the first time. Can you make up some fun and creative jobs that I can't think of?

2007-12-05 19:15:33 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

2007-12-05 19:06:11 · 7 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a Veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started".

The guy says, "If working hours are 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"

2007-12-05 19:00:35 · 9 answers · asked by Freakin 6

Amazing Numbers!
You will need a calculator for this:
Take the number of the month you were born,
multiply by 4,
add 13,
multiply by 25, subtract 200,
add the day of the month on which you were born,
multiply by 2, subtract 40, multiply by 50, add the last two digits of the year in which you were born,
subtract 10,500.
Notice anything funny about your answer.

2007-12-05 18:04:36 · 18 answers · asked by chidambaram k 6

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.

When time was over she called Little Johnny.

He said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

2007-12-05 17:45:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2007-12-05 17:43:32 · 11 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

A woman was helping her husband to set up his computer. At the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised that he would now need to enter a password for him to log on next time he uses the computer.

The husband was in a quite amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he told his wife to enter the following letters for him...



P



E



N



I



S












His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

>>>PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH<<<

2007-12-05 17:29:38 · 24 answers · asked by Peace =) 4

... I asked you this question!?!?!

2007-12-05 17:26:19 · 18 answers · asked by *BlueWolf* 1

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
WOMAN HITLER!

2007-12-05 17:16:09 · 9 answers · asked by seeker 2

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.



About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other:



"Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."

2007-12-05 16:49:10 · 9 answers · asked by princessandrea82 3

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking
at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a

day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with

extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being

six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my

dress size, you dumb ***!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get
it wrong.

2007-12-05 16:35:41 · 8 answers · asked by aabigaa2 5

One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class, "Children, if you know the answer, please raise your hand! Tell me things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Jane." teacher said, "Anyone else?"

"How about a lollipop?" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!"

The teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer.

Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

2007-12-05 15:26:49 · 13 answers · asked by Sara 1

My posterior is adorned with feathers. I have a rather long neck and quite a pointy nose. I am able to fly, yet I have no wings. What am I?

2007-12-05 15:18:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a big party All the people who are there are unknown to me except one of my friend She comes up to me and say Sign this ,,I said what and there I noticed it was a birthday card for my son So I sign it but i tell her David had his birthday Nov the 20 th She left with the card . She comes back and say to me David had five hundred dollar for his bithday I am glad for my son O k in real life David is doing a very good salary But the last 10 yrs were hell for him in love matter

2007-12-05 15:03:17 · 2 answers · asked by lala 7

What are all the popular answers that people have come up with. (To get to the other side, for example)

2007-12-05 13:38:53 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-05 13:19:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

2007-12-05 13:12:24 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

blond and brunnete.
so a blond and bruntte were lookin in the mirror at the docters office. they both ask what their getting done to their figure. the brunnetes says "my lips their to small." then the blond says" im gonna get my butt done because theres a huge crack in it." tell me if its corny. i think it is

2007-12-05 13:09:16 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

A blond once asked:
I bought a teddy bear for £10 named it Mohammed and sold it for £20...
is that a Prophet?

2007-12-05 12:53:03 · 30 answers · asked by Bon J 1

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

2007-12-05 11:46:37 · 26 answers · asked by ♥ 2

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

2007-12-05 11:38:08 · 22 answers · asked by ♥ 2

Ok my mom was talking and she goes "when is your last final" and i was all like "or ur final final!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" OMg that hilarious right?

2007-12-05 11:21:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-05 10:11:58 · 15 answers · asked by Channu 1

The Three Wise Men

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

2007-12-05 09:54:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A frog in a leather jacket.......

2007-12-05 09:42:34 · 16 answers · asked by huddlejonny 3