Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Euro English


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

2007-12-06 03:33:02 · 12 answers · asked by Oh! Crud 3

by Jewish jokes, those made up by the Jewish people.
It's their culture and their humor. And I like to put it out there, cause it's truly brilliant (though I'm not Jewish).

My 10+ jokes I posted were all deleted!
Why?

2007-12-06 02:08:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

you have to hear this...i cried from laughing
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=fmhxl0bRk5c&feature=related

2007-12-06 02:05:19 · 4 answers · asked by High_Sun 2

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black
suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, s he finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excel!lent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

2007-12-06 01:49:27 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've read a newspaper and it stated a bush joke. here it goes...

Al Gore and Bush had made a deal, they will ask each other questions, whenever Bush can't answer, he will give Al Gore $10. Whenever Al Gore can't answer, he'll have to give Bush $5000. Al Gore started first and asked, "What country has the highest population, not knowing for the answer, he reached into his pocket for a $5 bill. Again Al Gore, "What is the capital of the United States?" Again, without a word, Bush gave him $5. The, it was Bush' turn, "What has 5 eyes, 18 legs, goes round and round everyday, eating only bones and spitting out lava?" Startled, Gore searched the internet for an answer, there was nothing found. he asked each and everyone of his collegiates but no one knew.

he finally gave up, reaching for a check and giving it to Bush. Before the two separated, not accepting his defeat, Gore asked, "What IS the answer to your question?". Without saying a word, Bush gave him $5.

Funny?... rate it.

2007-12-06 01:33:50 · 13 answers · asked by arizona's book 3

enjoy this one.....

Banta Singh was working in a studio as a photographer. One day he went to a function to take some snaps.

While filling the film roll in to the camera it dropped down rolled beneath to the saree of an woman.

Sardar hesitated for a moment and approached the woman and said "Could you please lift up the saree so that I can take the photo"

2007-12-06 01:02:45 · 19 answers · asked by World Vision 4

Sorry it's a day late

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country
road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The
driver tried to avoid it but couldn't.

The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up
to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay
them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife

gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate

love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

2007-12-06 00:21:57 · 10 answers · asked by Johnny 7

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

2007-12-06 00:20:14 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were all about to be executed one by one.

First up was the redhead. As she stood up against the wall before several men with guns, she suddenly yelled, "Earthquake!"

All of the men ran for cover and the red-head managed to escape.

Next up was the brunette. As she stood before the line of armed men, she yelled at the last second, "Tornado!"

Once again, the men ran for cover and the brunette managed to escape.

Finally, up stepped the blonde. She stood up against the wall before the line of armed men as they prepared to shoot. Suddenly, she yelled, "Fire!"

2007-12-06 00:05:48 · 21 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

My grandson was telling his mum and she just told me.

2007-12-06 00:01:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card

advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.



Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details

about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.



The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes

here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the

gynaecologist.



You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash

their nether regions.



Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub

in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's

examination.



There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go

to Oxford ."



"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"



"No - that's where the end of the queue is"

2007-12-05 23:51:46 · 13 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.

A Scouser swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey—is that God’s Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer.

As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig.

Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian’s humpback straightens, and he does a flip.

Just then the Scouser yells, "Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!"

2007-12-05 23:12:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

stands on 33 cm high box? Answer in cm.

2007-12-05 22:16:25 · 7 answers · asked by sv 7

Disclaimer: I know that oxygen was present in the air before it was discovered Priestley, Scheele, and Lavoisier in the 1700's. (After all, I am a chemist.) However, I'm looking for an answer to mess with the minds of, say, little children for example, or in my case our goofy felines. That is, put out your most outrageous yet semi-plausible answer, and have fun in the process.

2007-12-05 22:08:34 · 15 answers · asked by Ѕємι~Мαđ ŠçїєŋŧιѕТ 6

Two blondes are in Australia. One says to the other, "Which is furthest, London or the moon?"

The other blonde replies,
"Hellooo… can you see London from here?"

2007-12-05 21:51:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on & point a hair dryer @ passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice

3) Insist that your email address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com

4) Every time some1 asks u 2 do something,ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues 2 join u in a little synchronised chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "Thats what u think"

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist 2others that u like it tht way

2007-12-05 21:40:14 · 9 answers · asked by Beautiful - 6

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that....

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. *giggle and point*

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. Only if you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

2007-12-05 21:30:15 · 20 answers · asked by Beautiful - 6

TO GEORGIA

So your baby is here!
What joy and what pleasure!
Now your life is expanding,
To make room for this treasure.
A darling newcomer
To have and to hold--
Georgia smiles are more precious
Than silver or gold.
She’ll demolish your schedule
Though she’s helpless and small;
She’ll make her needs known,
And she’ll rule over all.
See, a new parent’s work
Is just never quite done,
But you’ll never mind,
‘Cause it’s all so much fun.
When you hear her cute giggle
You’ll start "aahing" and "oohing,"
And she’ll soon reply back
By "ga ga" and "goo gooing."
Those big innocent eyes
See a world strange and new;
To make sense of it all
She’ll look only to you.
So cherish this time
Of miraculous things--
The excitement and wonder
That a new baby brings.

Congratulations Dolores, and parents, and what a wonderful Xmas present
Love Hug

2007-12-05 20:54:55 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

In days of old, when nights were bold,
and condoms were'nt invented
the men took out their socks,
wrapped it around their cocks,
and babies were prevented.

_______________________________________________


There was a man from Madrass
whose balls were made of brass
In stormy weather, they clashed together
and sparks flew out of his ****

_______________________________________________


A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you wanna screw for that hinge?''

_______________________________________________


She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''

2007-12-05 20:54:25 · 11 answers · asked by q-boy 2

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said "What?"

2007-12-05 20:44:14 · 15 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said "What?"

2007-12-05 20:42:28 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.
Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"
The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

2007-12-05 20:41:21 · 13 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you moved to. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

BATHROOM Theorem: When you are the only one in a 10 stall bathroom, the next person to come in will use the one right next to you. (This never fails)

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

2007-12-05 20:40:02 · 12 answers · asked by jake5282 2

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian
elementary school for lunch . At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples. A teacher had made a note, and
posted on the apple tray. It said,
"Take only one, God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note by the cookies that said,
"Take all you want , God is watching the apples!"

2007-12-05 20:38:40 · 14 answers · asked by jake5282 2

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer ****.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.

I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.


When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no ****."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year

2007-12-05 20:37:32 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

An old man was sitting on his rocking chair when little Billy walked by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, "Where ya goin'?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some chickens!" The old man replied, "you darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire, but sure enough, a little while later Billy returned with some chickens.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some duct tape. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some ducks!" The old man said, "you darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape, but a little while later Billy returned with some ducks.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walking by again. He said hey Billy whatcha got there?" Billy replied, I got me some pussy willow. The old man replied and said, Wait a minute, let me get my hat.

2007-12-05 20:31:07 · 2 answers · asked by YouSaidWhat??? 3

....A doggie isn't just for Christmas.





It's a good position all year round.

2007-12-05 20:16:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There lived an old farmer.He was very poor.So he wanted his sons to have a good job and sacrificed a lot and sent them to a school in the city while he continued to be in the village.Both his sons studied in city in a school.The X std public exam came.The elder son Ramu passed the exam and asked his younger brother to send a telegram to his father in the village
that he had passed.He thought that his father will be very happy to hear that.His younger brother sent a telegram seeing which their father died of heart attack.
The brother had sent in the telegram,"Ramu.passed away"

2007-12-05 20:11:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-05 20:07:42 · 1 answers · asked by vijaykayal 5

No, really how many people will Answers allow to answer a question before it gives a "Answers full" notice and doesnt allow another person to chime in?

2007-12-05 19:56:12 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous