Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

they tried to make her buy a prefab but she said no,no,no.

2007-12-06 20:44:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1:Marriages are made in heaven but so again thunder & lightning.
2:If u want your spouse to listen & pay attention, talk in your sleep.
3:Marriage is grand & divorce is 100 grand
4:Married life is frustrating. First year the man speaks & the woman listens. Second year, the woman speaks & the man listens. Third year, they both speak & the neighbors listen.
5:When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, u can be sure either the car is new or the wife
6:Marriage is when a man and woman become as one the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
7:Before marriage a man will lie awake all night thinking about something u said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before u finish.
8:Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding & a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
9:Every woman wants a man who is handsome, economical & a considerate lover, but the law allows only one husband.
10:Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

2007-12-06 20:04:40 · 11 answers · asked by Philomena 5

... ** Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi...damn! There goes another one!"


** Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"'Tis a good thing, too -- that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.


** Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

2007-12-06 19:56:46 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

2007-12-06 19:53:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "
So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . .

Some things you just can't explain."

2007-12-06 19:48:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom worked for a brewery for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress,
he quits his job and lives as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week etc.... Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Bob, your neighbour from ten miles up the road... having a
party Friday night... thought you might like to come."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months here I'm ready to meet some locals"

As Bob is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em."

"More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

2007-12-06 18:37:25 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jonhny's class had to make a report on their heros the night before Johnny's mom and ad watch the Movie B.O.R.A.T, and he hid behind the curtins fist he saw his sister and her boyfriend get sick again(having sex)and then he saw his parents hump and then they watched the movie his fav line was SEXY TIME so he rote his letter


My hero is Borat his sister is number one prostetut nd my sister is a slut soo we are like twins!His wife is really fat and my wife is to Suzie is pregnant and he really funny like me and i love his Line SEXY TIME

Love and more,
Sexy Time Lover


and Johnny had to read this to his class and he did and the teacher fainted

2007-12-06 17:49:24 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

hint it starts with the letter L

2007-12-06 17:38:19 · 46 answers · asked by darksweets13 2

Julia had just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin So on her wedding night staying at her mother's house she was nervous
But her mother reassured her Don't worry Julia Kyle's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you
So up she went When she got upstairs Kyle took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest Julia ran downstairs to her mother and says Mama Kyle's got a big hairy chest Don't worry Julia, says the mother all good men have hairy chests Go upstairs He'll take good care of you
So up she went again When she got up in the bedroom Kyle took off his pants exposing his hairylegs. Again,Julia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama Mama, Kyle took off his pants and he's got hairy legs
All good men have hairy legs Kyle's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you
So up she went again When she got up there Kyle took off his socks and Julia ran downstairs and she said mama Kyle's got a foot an a half Stand back this is a mama's job

2007-12-06 17:21:27 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

2007-12-06 17:20:26 · 20 answers · asked by jerriel 4

http://youtube.com/watch?v=u71aisI3Ntw

I love that guy!

2007-12-06 16:52:16 · 9 answers · asked by ~*~jinxed~*~ 3

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas?

Because they were originally made for children , but the father wants to play with 'em!

2007-12-06 16:45:42 · 15 answers · asked by ~*~jinxed~*~ 3

this is a question that my dad and i have been arguing over. your answers may help me get five bucks!

2007-12-06 16:43:26 · 23 answers · asked by Sean R 2

Close the door I'm dressing.....

SHARE YOU FAVORITE ONE LINER

2007-12-06 16:39:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is in a house, and it is time to go to bed. He shuts off all the lights, and then goes to sleep. When he wakes up in the morning, he looks outside. What he sees, makes him kill himself. Why, what happened?

2007-12-06 16:32:19 · 10 answers · asked by 80's kid 6

me its
Gabriel Iglesias just funny
and George Lopez

2007-12-06 16:23:06 · 22 answers · asked by Janet ♥(YFFL) 7

2007-12-06 15:28:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are in an empty room with 2 doors. One door leads to life and one door exit to death. There are 2 guards at the door. One guard always tells the truth and the other one always lie

2007-12-06 14:58:25 · 27 answers · asked by Alvina L 2

2007-12-06 14:48:40 · 14 answers · asked by Riaz Shaikh 1

the first person that gives me a star will have one in return time starts now !!!

2007-12-06 14:43:46 · 8 answers · asked by shah 2

# Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

# Why do women like bidets?
Because men don't know what they are. (whats a bidet?)

# How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

# Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

# When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

# Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

# How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words

# Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

# What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

# Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

2007-12-06 14:24:57 · 8 answers · asked by Teff 2

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2AM. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

Hope you liked them...my firend whose actually blonde told them to me...she gets a kick out of them!!

2007-12-06 14:24:24 · 6 answers · asked by gp737 3

So men can tell if they are coming or going

2007-12-06 14:20:27 · 6 answers · asked by Teff 2

By giving them money, furs and diamonds

2007-12-06 14:19:41 · 4 answers · asked by Teff 2

It cuts off circulation to the brain!

2007-12-06 14:18:33 · 3 answers · asked by Teff 2

Okay, here's another hilarious one! There's a blind kid, and his mom tells him, "if you pray for three hours tonight, you will have great, pure eye sight when you wake up the next day!" so the kid prays and prays and prays, then he wakes up, and is still blind. He asks, "mom, I prayed all night, but I'm still blind!" then the mom says, "APRIL FOOLS!"

2007-12-06 14:16:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A former hooker finaly gave up her career and moved to retirement home.
She got horny one day and stopped by some of the residents rooms and asked several of them " Do you want super sex ?
One of them replied " I'll take the soup "

2007-12-06 13:19:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Polite Way to Pee


During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners
asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Shermansaid, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table.'

'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you
to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted....

2007-12-06 13:16:15 · 15 answers · asked by sunshine 5

first person sais 1, second sais 2, third sais 3, and so on and so forth.

2007-12-06 12:34:24 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

2007-12-06 11:48:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous