Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"

"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.

"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"

"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike!"

2007-12-06 11:43:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

People should stop condemning rednecks and taking our culture and making it a joke. I was born into the redneck culture. If you ever made friends with a redneck a real one not some fat *** that likes fart jokes. You would learn that we care about the land we can grow are own food we can hunt we can catch fish out of a mud whole. Our culture revolves around farming hunting fishing family and love also the rebel flag represents us it doesnt represent hate for blacks it represents redneck culture. The word redneck came because of our necks who knew look at a farmers neck in the south it aint white like a cityboy baby its red. my necks red and so is my blood. Is this what you say my culture is?

2007-12-06 11:42:51 · 9 answers · asked by Nate T 1

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-12-06 11:41:48 · 15 answers · asked by yourgirlheather24 2

10. It's two feet tall, forty feet wide.

9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it.

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan fora joy ride.

6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.

5. You brushed the door coming into the house, and now it's totally bare.

4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it.

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.

2. Some guy named Akbar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it.

1. It's constantly bragging about its "trunk size".

2007-12-06 11:28:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-06 11:26:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eat 200 fried bugs or go on a date with a 105 ur old???????

2007-12-06 11:18:10 · 19 answers · asked by air 3

Two eggs decide to get married. Along comes the big day and everything goes to plan.
But they are both very nervous about the honeymoon night so the female egg decides to dress up in a skimpy little negligee to help them get excited.

The husband comes along and sees his wife dressed like this and all off a sudden runs into the bathroom and locks the door.

The wife is very shocked by his behavior but being inexperienced at this she thinks it's normal. After about 10 minutes the husband egg is still in the bathroom and the wife is starting to get impatient so she knocks on the door.

"Honey, Is everything o.k.?"

"Yeah, Yeah. I'll be out in a few minutes."

So, she goes back to the bed and waits. But after a half an hour she is really annoyed because he's still in the bathroom, so she goes up and knocks on the door.

"If you don't come out of the bathroom now, I'm going to divorce you, I swear!"

With this the door opens and out comes the husband egg wearing a crash helmet! The wife egg thinks this is very strange so asks him why he's wearing it.

"Well, the last time I got this hard, someone hit me over the head with a spoon!"

2007-12-06 11:17:09 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks int the cleaners an drops off a blouse.
The clerk says " Come again." and the the blonde says " No its mustard this time.

2007-12-06 11:12:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

i do

2007-12-06 11:10:44 · 10 answers · asked by Clumsical 6

Okay

so


A duck walks into a restaurant
*waddle waddle waddle*
he looks at the menu
and goes
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm do yah have any grapes?"

The owner says No.
so the next day the duck comes in
and goes
"Hmmmmm do yeah have any grapes?"

The owner replies "No sorry"

so once again the next day the duck comes in
and goes
"Hmmmmm do yeah have any grapes?"
the owner replies
"Im a patient guy and all, but i told you I DONT HAVE ANY GRAPES. so if you come in tomorrow and ask ill nail your beak to the floor!

The next day
the duck comes in and ask
"Do you have any nails?"
"No" The owner replies

"Do you have any grapes"
the duck says


lol
star please if funny

[last joke sorry if i posted a lot]

2007-12-06 10:58:46 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's black and doesn't work?

Half of London

I live in hornsey so YES it is true

2007-12-06 10:56:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men are with dogs. One has a German shepherd and the other has a chihuahua. The guy with the German shepherd said "come on, lets go into that restaurant". The other guy said "dude, we have dogs! we cant". The guy with the German Shepherd said "watch" . So he puts on a pair of black sunglasses and walks into the restaurant. The owner then yells at him, and the man replies "Im so sorry, but im blind and this is my guide dog" So the owner apologizes and sits him down. The other guy shrugs and says "i might as well follow him" So he puts on a pair of black sunglasses and walks in. The owner then yells at him, and the man with the chihuahua replies "Im so sorry, but im blind and this is my guide dog". "a chihuahua??" says the owner. "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!?!?!" shouts the guy with the chihuahua in shock..

haha star if you like!

2007-12-06 10:44:11 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man who took great care of his body. One day whilst looking at himself in the mirror he noticed he was all tanned except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it, so he went down to the beach, stripped totally naked and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.
A short while later, two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one of them was using a walking cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she started prodding it with her cane remarking to the other old lady "There's just no justice in this world!". The other old lady asked what she meant.
Well, she replied, when I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I really enjoyed it. Then when I was 40 I asked for it and at 50 I even paid for it. When I was 60 I started praying for it and when I reached 70 I forgot all about it.
Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm to old to squat!!

2007-12-06 10:31:53 · 20 answers · asked by clara 5

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'

2007-12-06 10:20:49 · 8 answers · asked by ferrisdidit 4

And everytime he passes the receptionist he stands right next to her and inhales a lung full of air saying "as always, your hair smell lovely this morning". After a few weeks of the same routine, Jane the receptionist starts to get really pissed off and decides to complain to the HR department and file a law suit for sexual harrassment, the senior HR officer says that just because a man passes you a compliment on how your hair smells nice does not constitute sexual harrassment to which Jane replies "it does when the person doing the smelling is a dwarf".

2007-12-06 10:20:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Paddy.

Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Paddy, so he asks Ciara's dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Ciara's father, "Ciara really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Paddy's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Ciara comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Paddy escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Ciara rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

2007-12-06 10:19:38 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob was sitting in the bus. On his right was his friend Joe and on his left was a woman who was a complete stranger.

Bob whispers to Joe: "Lets get off at the next stop I have to pee really badly and I don't think I can hold it much longer..."
Joe: "Just pee in that woman's pocket"
Bob: "Don't you think she will notice?"
Joe: "Did you?"

2007-12-06 10:14:45 · 6 answers · asked by Ooh-La-La! 3

what did the blonde say when someone blew into her bra







































thanks for the refill

2007-12-06 10:00:26 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The way you get to heaven int this joke is that there are 100 steps and on each step St. Peter tells you a joke if you laugh then you don't go to heaven. A brunette got to the 50th and laughed. A redhead got to the 65th and laughed. A black head got to the 92nd step and laughed. Then a blonde got all the way to heaven and as soon as she was through she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked St. Peter.
"I just got the first one!"

2007-12-06 09:51:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Madame.

Madame Who?

Ma damn foot would be up your damn a** if you don't open this door!

2007-12-06 09:48:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"
And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

2007-12-06 09:47:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay, a guy is at a water fountain, and when he bent over, ten gay guys ran up to him and starting banging him. Then since his face was near someone's but, they took a huge dump on his face.

2007-12-06 09:45:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

are getting back together again for Christmas. Paul has given her a new leg, it's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler!!

2007-12-06 09:44:53 · 14 answers · asked by eddiesleftfoot 2

There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

2007-12-06 09:43:07 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.

2007-12-06 09:38:49 · 8 answers · asked by Mera 7

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

2007-12-06 09:37:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-06 09:34:08 · 60 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

2007-12-06 09:30:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United States Congress, this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capital.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

2007-12-06 09:29:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Snowflakes

2007-12-06 09:25:30 · 8 answers · asked by kjtinkerbsc 1