Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

7. Category: Humor
MsgTitle: Banned from Wal-Mart (Thu 12-06-07 08:12)
MessageText:

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
"Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcemen! t came o ver the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart

2007-12-07 01:44:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back , someone in the other stall keeps answering all my Questions!

2007-12-07 01:40:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh s ** t, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you d ** khead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ****
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her a * s
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

2007-12-07 01:39:21 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running round her feet.
He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product? And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge but, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

2007-12-07 01:39:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A vampire goes to a bar and asks the barman:'Do you have a glass of boiled water?' He says yes and he gives him one..then the vampire takes out a pad and says:'Its tea time'

was it funny or not??

2007-12-06 23:34:17 · 16 answers · asked by Cathy 4

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

2007-12-06 23:03:43 · 14 answers · asked by coolfluke 3

Once there was a competition held that one who can stay in a room with a pig for 20 days will be awarded Rs 15 lakhs. So 1st the pilot went to stay with him but after 2 days he came out saying I can't stay there.
Then an astrologer went he stayed there for 5 days and then came out saying I cant stay there.
Now Santa went in there and stayed there for 5, 6, 7, 8,9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 days.On the 15th day when the people out of the room were very excited to meet santa, the pig came out saying I cant stay there.

and

What will you do if a sardarji throws a grenade at you?
ans: Just pull the pin and throw it back at him!

2007-12-06 22:44:51 · 7 answers · asked by Andy 1

Banta: “My grandfather’s watch fell into a well and when it was found after 30 years, it was still keeping correct time”
Santa: What is so great about it? Once my grandfather fell into a well, and after thirty years when he was taken out, he was still alive.”
Banta: “How can it be possible? What was he doing in the well for thirty years?”
Santa: “He was winding your grandfather’s wrist-watch.”
and
Once Morron entered a cybercafe to check his mails.It was crowded so he had to wait.As he waited he saw a man checking his mails.He stood behind him and watched.The man typed his password and was waiting when morron cried out "Yes yes I know your password.I can read your mails now.
"Surprised the man asked "Oh yeah, tell me what is it".
Morron replied " Five stars."
and
Santa:What should we do? The water level has risen above the danger mark.
Banta:Raise the danger level mark up by a few meters.

2007-12-06 22:43:02 · 3 answers · asked by Andy 1

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage
in front of a huge crowd.

'The Senator' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all
before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to
the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I
can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits
rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the
cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of
arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did
you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY
person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a
momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into
their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little
wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her

2007-12-06 22:28:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up a certain things
that have occurred since the beginning of this month!
While still filled with illusion, I had written you a letter in
which I had asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of
roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain
studying the whole year, Not only was I first in my class, but I had the
best grades in the whole school! I'm not going to lie to you, Santa,
there was no-one in my whole neighborhood that behaved better than me!
With my parents, my brothers, my friends, and even with my neighbors, I
would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was nothing I wouldn't do for humanity.
What balls you have leaving me a ****ing yoyo, a stupid-***
whistle, and a pair of socks!!! What the **** were you thinking, you fat
son-of-a-*****, that you've taken me for a sucker for the whole
year, to come up with some **** like this under the damn tree! As if you
hadn't ****ed me enough, you gave that ****head across the street
so many ****ing toys, he couldn't even get into his damn house.
Please don't ever let me see you trying to fit your big fat ***
down my chimney next year, or I'll **** you up. I'll throw rocks at
those stupid-*** reindeers of yours, and scare them the **** away. You'll
have to walk your big fat *** back to the North Pole, just like I
have to do because you didn't give me that ****ing bike, you punk *****!

You know what, Santa? **** you!!! Next year, you'll find out just
how bad I can really ****ing be. You've been sleeping on a
mother******* far too long so watch your back next year, you fat *****!

2007-12-06 22:28:51 · 14 answers · asked by jake5282 2

2007-12-06 22:20:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

2007-12-06 21:53:14 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I work in quite a large office and often hear the "fake laugh". Do you what I mean. It's when people laugh at something that's obviously not funny. Do they do out of nerves or maybe "brown-nosing/butt sucking" Just wondering.

2007-12-06 21:50:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

For Years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever sqeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And I protected them by law.
I gruaded them very carefully,
And I always wore a bra.
after 30 years of absolute care,
My gyno, Dr, Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,.
"O.K.", I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
"And tell me when it hurts", she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped on a pedal,
I couldn't believe my eyes,
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being sqashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
with in it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath", she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good", I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy, I was praying.
It sqeezed me from both up and down.
It sqeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindforls.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a Cyst. in there,
It would have gone "Ker-Pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!

2007-12-06 21:42:20 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

what gets wetter as it dries?????

2007-12-06 21:37:45 · 27 answers · asked by cooper 6

last day at school the kids can fetch a favourite toy.
they all tell the class about the toy and why they gave it the name it as.
now jonnny says the teacher its your turn
you won`t believe this miss ,but my teddy as the same name as jesus `s teddy bear.
oh can we see him ,
yes
johnny holds out a well loved and worn bear ,with odd buttons for eyes,
what do you call him little sue asks
with a loud proud voice johnny says`
Gladdly`
sue remarks if jesus had a bear it would not have crossed eyes and be called Gladly
picking up the class bible johnny proudly opened it and showed the class this verse






gladly my cross I`d bear

2007-12-06 21:36:34 · 19 answers · asked by HaSiCiT Bust A Tie A1 TieBusters 7

One Day this old doctor decided he wanted to retire but he would have to train the young doctor to do house calls. The first day was a training day for the young doctor. the old doctor took the young doctor to one of his house calls he told the young doctor before they entered that the women who lived here was 50 years old and had a belly ache. The old doctor walked up to the women in bed, and lisened to her belly. He told her to lay off the fruit. As the doctors left the young doctor ased the old doctor how he knew the old women had ate a lot of fruit, the old doctor replied, he stumbled into the trash can filled with apple peelings. The next day the old doctor said its your turn. The old women they went to see today was about 60 she was always tired. the young doctor looked at her and said she had been work for the church to long. When they left the Old doctor asked how he knew that. The young doctor replied, the sunday school books and the preacher under the bed. the old doctor told the young doctor your goona make a fine doctor when I retire.

2007-12-06 21:36:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this blonde and she had just found out that her boyfriend had been cheating on her with her best friend and the rest of her school day wasnt going to well either so she says to her self "ugh my boyfriend just broke up with me, everything is going bad in my life and i have no reason to live i want to hang myself" so she goes home and finds a rope and she hangs herself from the porch well some guy walks by and sees her hanging off the porch by a rope and he asks her "what the hell are u doing?" and she tells him "ugh my boyfriend just broke up with me, everything is going bad in my life and i have no reason to live so im hanging my self" well he asks "why are u hanging from your waist arent u suppose to hang yourself from your throat" and the blonde says " i tried that but i couldnt breathe!"

2007-12-06 21:33:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Someone said i should get off the stage last time, but i still would like you to rate this...lol Ok here we go..
Lamport, you're late for work again!
Yes, i'm sorry sir. I overslept."
"I thought i told you to get an Alarm clock."
"I did sir, but there are nine of us in our family
"Whats that got to do with it?"
"The Alarm was only set for eight sir!"

2007-12-06 21:30:12 · 16 answers · asked by †100% Angel† 6

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

2007-12-06 21:29:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

2007-12-06 21:23:20 · 16 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Went Out into the Real World

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying, "Why, thank you!" (though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent).

2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter and doesn't like dogs and cats.

6. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

7. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

10. If he or she says that you are too good for him or her -- believe it.

11. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month from now? One week? One day?

12. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

13. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

14. Knowing how to listen to music is as great a talent as knowing how to make it.

15. Work is good but it's not that important.

16. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

17. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

2007-12-06 21:22:39 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt!Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured,"The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

2007-12-06 21:22:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis,
I ain't got no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any
crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any
crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm
getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

2007-12-06 21:21:42 · 17 answers · asked by jake5282 2

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

2007-12-06 21:20:45 · 11 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroomtogether when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled
him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards

2007-12-06 21:19:42 · 7 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Apparently they are not allowed to make a prophet out of them........

2007-12-06 21:10:16 · 3 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

One night, a couple was lying in bed. The hubby was feeling "frisky" so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:" I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh!"
Rejected, the hubby turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over and whispers in her ear:" Do you have a dentist appointment, too ?"

2007-12-06 21:07:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few works as possible
The instructions were:
The short story had to contain the following three things:
a) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:



"Good God, I'm pregrant; I wonder who did it"


Star if u like or think its funny

2007-12-06 21:02:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know its short, but it made me laugh.
Mother: If you eat your Greens, you'll grow up to be a beautiful young woman.
Daughter said to her mom: Why did'nt you eat your Greens when you were young?

2007-12-06 20:54:59 · 38 answers · asked by †100% Angel† 6