Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes
in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects,including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the
California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with Flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the Eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man whonever knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes . Despite being a little flaky at times he still could be a crusty old man and was considered to be a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart

2007-12-06 09:23:39 · 33 answers · asked by Chichiri 1

There I was on my way to work ... getting into a
fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't
even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ...
and then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the
driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you
just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff seems to get
funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a
DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are
you then?"
....and thats when the fight started...


Not meant to offend anyone!!

2007-12-06 09:21:29 · 30 answers · asked by Silent Anger 3

A joke about politics i didn't make it up but its good enjoy!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed

2007-12-06 09:08:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Was used in the NT by the apostles? :))

2007-12-06 08:06:45 · 12 answers · asked by Pivoine 7

A ma n and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, ma king noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he sa id. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband gra bb ed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

2007-12-06 08:03:29 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

For me, it's been far too long.




--that's JUMPED, with a J--

2007-12-06 08:01:25 · 19 answers · asked by Brandon's been a dirty Hore 5

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the
Assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains
to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been
buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't
stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde Pollock
and says, "One moment please, I will get the chemist."

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the Blonde.

"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the
Chemist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a normal stick of
under arm deodorant".

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out Loud from the
container, "To apply, push up bottom."

2007-12-06 07:46:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in
Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their Cows to increase
their herd.

The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and Goes to Texas to buy
a bull. She eventually meets with an old Cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's
the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes
to The local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a Telegram to my friend
in Louisiana. That says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the
Trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. is
$.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides.
"I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm
Sorry miss, but how is your friend going to understand this Telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads real slow, when she gets
this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

2007-12-06 07:43:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, is my guest. Maybe
You’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a
huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator
on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this
One isn't wearing any shoes either!"

2007-12-06 07:41:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

LOL!! I love this one.

Enjoy!!

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly......

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying :
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let 's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f ...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

2007-12-06 07:40:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The store manager reviewed his prices of the stock of Teddy Bears because he did not want to make a PROPHET

2007-12-06 07:39:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

john darwin has walked into a police station after being missing- presumed dead for 5 years. he said " thats the last time i go on holiday with those fuc*ing mc canns!"

2007-12-06 07:37:34 · 8 answers · asked by roger the alien 2

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what
happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I
Looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree,
so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mama ... I don’t know how to
tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty
miles is your air freshener."

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten
were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get
off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die. No
one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all
of the blondes started
Clapping.

A blonde buys a handgun at a local pawn shop because she thinks her husband is
cheating on her. When she gets home, she finds her husband in bed with a woman.
The Blonde grabs the gun out of her purse, loads it and points it at her own
head.

Her husband seeing this starts screaming at her not to
Shoot.

The blonde replies "Shut up stupid! You're next!"

2007-12-06 07:33:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

And she was good.
And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts.

And God asked woman what she would like to
have changed about herself.

And she asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand
and asked God what should be done with the useless tit.

And God created man... "

don"t you just love it!l.o.l.

2007-12-06 07:24:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have holes on the top and the bottom, I have holes on the right and the left. And I have holes in the middle, yet I hold water. What am I

2007-12-06 06:49:42 · 17 answers · asked by EngSupCo 3

Larry Craig? And which one lit up a cigarette first?

You know - just a slow Thursday I guess.

2007-12-06 06:49:19 · 20 answers · asked by Slappy McStretchNuts 5

There are 7 girls on a bus
Each girl has 7 backpacks
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats For every big cat there are 7
little cats

Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

2007-12-06 06:46:58 · 23 answers · asked by Matthew David 4

2007-12-06 06:45:40 · 8 answers · asked by John Musbach 1

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

2007-12-06 06:34:56 · 10 answers · asked by ding-a-ling 3

....walk into a room, and then wonder why you went there?

(Last night I climbed the stairs into the bedroom; looked around; and wondered why I had gone there. So I went back down stairs. Then I remebered. I was going to bed!)

2007-12-06 06:33:10 · 17 answers · asked by Bunts 6

An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."

On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "well, just how sick are you?"

"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"

2007-12-06 06:29:35 · 14 answers · asked by Freakin 6

a guy is transporting some chimps from one zoo to another, when his truck breaks down at the side of the road. A fellow trucker pulls over to offer assistance,after half an hour they are unable to get the truck started,the chimps start scream and jump about.
'these chimps are really getting frustrated now,how about i give you £50 to take em to the zoo while i wait for help to arrive?' the good samaritan agrees to help,loads the chimps and drives off.
about an hour later the guy is still waiting for help to arrive when the same fellow trucker pulls up again,the guy notices he still has the chimps in the back of his truck.
'hey i gave you £50 to take them chimps to the zoo for me,whats going on?'
'well'says the trucker ' i took em to the zoo like you said and had some money left over so i thought i would take em to the cinema and then on for a pizza'

2007-12-06 06:29:33 · 18 answers · asked by jonny stud 1

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."

2007-12-06 06:25:04 · 12 answers · asked by Freakin 6

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

2007-12-06 06:22:02 · 15 answers · asked by .... 6

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

2007-12-06 05:56:04 · 28 answers · asked by .... 6

Your alone and cut the big one that smells awful

2007-12-06 05:49:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

2007-12-06 05:27:04 · 28 answers · asked by .... 6

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

2007-12-06 05:12:54 · 23 answers · asked by .... 6

Its always erect, stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls and looks better with the lights on

2007-12-06 04:27:36 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

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2007-12-06 04:27:17 · 2 answers · asked by invest_in_nuclear 3