Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

q.) what did a blonde chic's leg say to the other?
a.) nothing, they haven't met!!

2007-12-05 09:38:39 · 8 answers · asked by - JR 2

2007-12-05 09:34:21 · 50 answers · asked by mizzty12 1

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half a head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some a**hole out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager.

2007-12-05 09:21:05 · 9 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration. The crowd is huge. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry -- both being figureheads and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" he doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice --

2007-12-05 09:18:02 · 12 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

A blonde goes into the local auto parts store and asks for a seven ten cap.

All the guys look at each other and say, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She says, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they ask, thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she says it's a Buick. "Okay lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?" they ask.

She says, "I don't know, but it has always been there."

One of the guys gives her a notepad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter look at it upside down as she writes it... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing hysterically.

2007-12-05 09:13:21 · 17 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

A mafioso's son is sitting at his desk, writing a Christmas list to Jesus. First he writes, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

Then he gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear Baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

2007-12-05 09:09:37 · 8 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas," but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.

The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation, and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.

2007-12-05 09:07:50 · 10 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

At midnight, a middle-aged man was waiting at a train station to cross the country, heading back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train car, he noticed that the car was almost empty except for a young beautiful nun who sat by herself reading the Bible. The man sat near by her hoping to get some companionship during the long ride.

However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just kept on reading the Bible without even acknowledging him. Half an hour went by slowly and silently, making the man more and more anxious to start a conversation. But he did not know how to start. The man then put his hand on the nun's lap. The nun blushed with a little bit of anger.

Nun: Dear sir, do you believe in God?
Man: Yes, I do.
Nun: Have you read the Bible? You know, it is wrong to put your hand on my lap. Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page 157.

The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly until the train reached the east coast. The next day, he looked at the

2007-12-05 09:05:50 · 9 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the *exact* words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

2007-12-05 09:02:44 · 7 answers · asked by ツ Petar 4

... This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a blue suit.
He asks, Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing? But, she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a check to buy one.
When she came back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it costs.
He says, "Actually it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow ift she would mind if her husband were to be buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.


So.... I switched the heads"

2007-12-05 08:21:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why can't Kevin Laroche, who is now living in Canada, not be buried in the USA?

2007-12-05 08:13:05 · 26 answers · asked by blue-eyed babe 3

i have a blank "happy birthday mom" card im thinking to place this under some random person's door and i am wondering what should be written in it as a prank?
note: a single man lives there

2007-12-05 07:56:32 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers,
"Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are
like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many
types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like
a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

2007-12-05 07:40:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

----------------------------------------...

This useful tool, commonly
found
in
the
range
of
8
inches
long.
The functioning of which is
enjoyed
by
members
of
both
sexes.
Is
usually found hung, dangling
loosely,
ready
for
instant
action.
It boasts of a clump of
little
hairy
things
at
one
end
and
small
hole at the other. In use, it
is
inserted,
almost
always
willingly, sometimes slowly,
sometimes
quickly,
into
a
warm,
fleshy, moist opening where
it
is
thrust
in
and
drawn
out
again
and again many times in
succession,
often
quickly
and
accompanied by squirming
bodily
movements.
Anyone
found
listening in will most surely
recognize
the
rhythmic,
pulsing
sound, resulting from the
well
lubricated
movements.
When
finally withdrawn, it leaves
behind
a
juicy,
frothy,
sticky
white
substance, some of which will
need
cleaning
from
the
outer
surfaces of the opening and
some
of
from
its
long
glistening
shaft. After everything is
done
and
the
flowing
and
cleansing
liquids have ceased
emanating,
it
is
returned
to
its
freely
hanging state of rest, ready
for
yet
another
bit
of
action,
hopefully reaching its
bristling
climax
twice
or
three
times a
day, but often much less.

What am i???????

As you may have already
guessed,
the
answer
to
the
riddle
is
none other than your very
own..........










Toothbrush.........

what were you
thinking?

2007-12-05 07:29:29 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is there a Dr. Salt?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?

2007-12-05 07:29:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

2007-12-05 07:28:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is the word abbreviate so long?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

2007-12-05 07:26:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-05 07:25:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do we drive on parkways but park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't superglue stick to its container?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

2007-12-05 07:24:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

My first is in motive and also in moat
My seconds in novice but isn`t in note
My third is in genie but isn`t in grants
My fourth is in senior but isn`t in plants
My fifth is in murder and also in head
My sixths in reader and also in read
My sevenths in paper but isn`t in soft
My eighths in cafe and also in loft
My ninths in crumpet and also in toyed
The whole thing is something you`re best to avoid

2007-12-05 07:24:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands?
What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

2007-12-05 07:24:10 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Since cats always land on their feet and jelly bread always lands jelly-side down, what happens if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is another word for thesaurus?
What is the speed of dark?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

2007-12-05 07:22:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't hot water already hot?
Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Shouldn't it be some things in moderation?

2007-12-05 07:21:57 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?

2007-12-05 07:20:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

remember a doggie is not just for christmas...................................................................................................................................................................

it's a good position all year round :)

2007-12-05 07:12:26 · 16 answers · asked by puma 4

I regularly ordered Chicken Almond Ding from my favorite Chinese restaurant, but had no idea exactly what was in it. So one day I decided to ask the chef what it was.

"Ah yes," he told me, "The chicken is bird meat, raised on a farm and free range, all natural, very high in protein and quite tasty when cooked."

"Yes, yes, I get that." I said. "I mean, what are the other ingredients?"

"Ah yes," he said, "The almond is a nut, very nutritious, also high in protein, made by Blue Diamond company and slivered to decorate and flavor the chicken."

"Of course, of course I know what an almond is" I said impatiently. "But what in the world does the "ding" mean?"

"Ah, ding?" He answered. "That's the sound the dish makes when it's ready to come out of the microwave."

2007-12-05 07:09:20 · 4 answers · asked by Vangorn2000 6

2007-12-05 07:06:05 · 28 answers · asked by blackjanuary 3

my girlfriend thinks this is funny and she is dyslexic,your opinion?

2007-12-05 06:57:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

and one of them "says if your boyfriend was a soda what kind would he be ? the first woman thought about it a few seconds and said i guess mine would be a 7 up because hes seven inches and hes always up, the secound woman took a little longer to think about it but she says i guess mine would be a mountain dew because hes always mounting me and were always dewing it,they third lady took so long thinking about it the other women had to ask her what kind would yours be ? she said mine would be jack daniels the other two women said thats not fair jack daniels is a liquor the woman said yeah thats my man

2007-12-05 06:34:40 · 21 answers · asked by puma 4

Flibble Family Christmas Pudding Recipe

1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon of brandy



Sample the brandy to check for quality.


Take a large bowl.


Check the brandy again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.


Pour one level cup and drink.


Repeat.


Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.


Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.


Make sure the brandy is still OK.


Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.


Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.


Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.


Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity.


Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.


Check the brandy


Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.


Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.


Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.


Don't forget to beat off the turner.


Throw the bowl out of the window.


Check the brandy again.


Go to bed.


Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway

2007-12-05 06:25:50 · 10 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6