Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

ancient roman jokes

2007-12-02 09:18:07 · 1 answers · asked by James Crawley Maximus Meridius 7

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Management said, "Someone might steal from it at
night." So they created a night watchman position
and hired a person for the job.




Then management said, "How does the watchman do his
job without instruction?" So they created a planning
department and hired two people; one person to write the
instructions and one person to do time studies.




Then management said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created
a Quality Control department and hired two people. One
to do the studies and one to write the reports.




Then management said, "How are these people going
to get paid?" So they created the following positions,
a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more
people.

2007-12-02 09:16:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and founded him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?"
" Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly will need batteries, and my toys will eventually get
broken." answered the pessimist.......
Passing the optimist room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. " What are you so happy about.?"
To which his optimistic son replied: " There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

2007-12-02 09:12:01 · 9 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud’s trailer house, Bud asked, “What is the usual tip?”

“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”

“Is that so?” snorted Bud. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

“What are you studying?” asked Bud.

The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”

2007-12-02 09:07:36 · 13 answers · asked by John 4

You know pairs of jeans? well have you noticed that in the front pockets, there is usually a smaller pocket on the inside of at least one of them?
And have you noticed that this pocket is so pointlessly small that virtually nothing at all can fit in it, and if you did actually manage to find something that does (like a small coin) then you will find that you will have severe difficulty getting it out again because your fingers will not even fit into the miniscule pocket to get the damn thing back out again!!

I mean, what is the point of that???

2007-12-02 09:03:37 · 6 answers · asked by Jimmy 6

They both use rubber gloves to do cavity searches.

2007-12-02 09:00:35 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded
to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband was con cerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed
hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst...
my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.'"

2007-12-02 08:50:13 · 13 answers · asked by wildeyes_heart_of_stone 3

what is a tounge twister?

2007-12-02 08:37:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Muffins
2 Muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other,
"Hey, is it getting hot in here?"
The other replied, "HOLY SH*T! A talking muffin!"
-------------------------------------------------------------

bad day
How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?


She has a tampon behind her ear and doesn't remember what she did with her pencil...
---------------------------------------------------------------

lubed up
Why should'nt you use crisco as a sexual lube?

It's shortening
----------------------------------------------------------------

Adam
After God had created Adam he noticed that he
looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said
"Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll
love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and
understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will
she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and
a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Swallowed Whole
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Bunk Beds
Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse", she replied.

Little Michael just said, "Oh, okay" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!

2007-12-02 08:26:35 · 25 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS?!' replied the homeless woman,' I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgust

2007-12-02 08:18:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because he kept throwing away the 'w's!

2007-12-02 08:18:02 · 6 answers · asked by keshequa87 6

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife.

"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?"

"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

2007-12-02 08:14:14 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

2007-12-02 08:08:06 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

i want to laugh thanks!

2007-12-02 08:01:06 · 6 answers · asked by Emily 2

Ok, I am trying to make a list of things I can do to have a snow day tomorrow. There is a storm possibly coming and I really want school off ( I haven't done some of my homework hehe)!
Can you suggest any rituals besides
1. spoon under pillow
2. pjs inside out and backwards
3 icecubes down toilet
4. throw icecubes at a tree
5. and throw a paper cup out a window
6. Put a dollar and a picture of Mary under your pillow and if it snows put the money in a poor box
7. Snow dances and chants
8. Hang discoballs from your window
9. and put 12 orange index cards on the hood of your car.

Any More?

2007-12-02 07:52:52 · 4 answers · asked by love2lax11 1

Check out the following link

http://www.nothingtodo.co.uk/view/84/the-twelve-days-of-christmas.html#content

2007-12-02 07:51:12 · 20 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

2007-12-02 07:50:39 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

2007-12-02 07:39:25 · 17 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

1: Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

2: Can fat people go skinny dipping?

3: Why don't they make mouse flavoured cat food?

4: Why do they sterilize the needle before giving a lethal injection?

5: Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

6: What is the speed of dark?

7: Why do we call it a 'TV set' when you only have one?

8: If nothing sticks to teflon, how does the teflon stick to the
pan?

9: If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture paints a 1000 words. How dangerous is a fax?

10: If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

11: What was the best thing before sliced bread?

12: Why do banks charge a 'non-sufficient funds' fee if they know you haven't got the money?

13: Why isn't there a 'B' battery?

14: If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

2007-12-02 07:36:02 · 9 answers · asked by monkeynuts 4

There was this really old guy at a dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said,"Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!

"I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said,"Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".

Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

2007-12-02 07:32:41 · 16 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

... from out of
nowhere, Cindy Crawford appears. The two become friends, and eventually,
lovers.

One day a trunk full of men's clothing washes ashore. The shipwrecked sailor
checks it out. He asks Cindy Crawford if she would mind putting on the
pants. She says "Sure", and does. Then the shipwrecked sailor asks her to
put on the mens shirt and tie. She does. Next he asks her to put up her hair
and wear the men's hat. Cindy Crawford says ,"Ok", and does.

Finally, the shipwrecked sailor asks Cindy Crawford to draw a fake moustache
and asks her if he can call her Bob. Cindy thinks that this is quite
strange, but says" Ok, I'll draw a fake moustache, and you can call me Bob".

The shipwrecked sailor says, "Hey Bob, you won't believe who I've been
sleeping with."

2007-12-02 07:31:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

...No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

2007-12-02 07:10:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

.................. is when you're in deep water.

2007-12-02 07:06:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her thong underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future mother & father-in-laws were standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

2007-12-02 07:01:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

a junky walks into a corner shop and asks the man
" have you got an cat food?"
the assistant replies
" oh no, i know what you're like you dirty b*~ggar, show me a cat and you'll get cat food !"

the man pulls a cat from his pocket and show him it. he gets the food

next day, same junky, same shop
" can i get some dog food?"

" show me a dog and you'll get dog food ".. hauls a dog from his toher pocket and gets the food..

NEXT DAY, the junky comes in with a huge parcel.. wrapped and bowed and lays it on the counter..

the assistant says
" whats this now ? "

junky says " present for you "..

the assistant opens it up, and there lies the biggest pile of p*ss and crap you've ever seen

" can i get some toilet paper ? "..

2007-12-02 07:00:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde forgets her husbands phone number, so she calls him to ask his what it is.

2007-12-02 06:57:20 · 18 answers · asked by Sucre Noir 5

any ideas as to what this means

2007-12-02 06:55:54 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady bought a car and when she was driving it she tried to turn on the radio, but it didn't work. Yhe lady went back to the car's dealer and and told to the vendor, the car's radio doesn't work. the vendor told her that the car's stereo is activated with the voice, the vendor got inside the car and say loudly and clearly "Iglesias" the radio turned on and asked "Julio or Enrique Iglesas?" And then the car stated to play a song of Enrique Iglesias. Happy with it the woman drove away again in her car. Minutes later the lady decieded to try the radio and say "Kenny" The radio started on and asked "Kenny Rogers or Kenny G"? And started to play a song of Kenny Rogers. Later on the lady got close to a cross and a guy didn't respect the red light scraching the lady's new car left fender and the lady shout MOTHER FU***R" and the radio started on and asked George Bush father or Goerge Bush son?"

2007-12-02 06:55:34 · 5 answers · asked by Javy 7

It is almost christmas and I want to see a good spoof of "The 12 Days of Christmas."
Ex.
On the 12th of Christmas my redneck friends gave to me:

12 kids drumming on trash can
11 new boxes of plastic utensils
10 make shift chairs
9 plastic Kroger purses
8 five stringed guitars
7 hunting rifals for shooting
6 outdoor sofas
5 chicken wings
4 dried dog terds
3 tire swings
2 empty beer cans
and tornado blowing away my trailor

Be the first to make me laugh, and I will give you 10 pts.

2007-12-02 06:40:46 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed *****.'

2007-12-02 06:35:52 · 17 answers · asked by John 4