Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

2007-12-01 13:19:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, **** loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

2007-12-01 13:17:34 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."

2007-12-01 13:15:16 · 7 answers · asked by Hue V 1

Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!" These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?" She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"

2007-12-01 13:05:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A taxi driver has a sister but the suster says that she has no brother!How is this possible?

2007-12-01 12:56:16 · 29 answers · asked by ♥Mina♥ 3

'We found out that white horses eat more than black horses, so we got rid of the white horses'

'That's silly - why should the white horses eat more than the black horses?'

'We tried every way to figure it out, and we couldn't figure any reason, unless it was because we had more of the white horses.'

2007-12-01 12:55:04 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

2007-12-01 12:46:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

2007-12-01 12:34:30 · 31 answers · asked by Mansour S 5

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.
His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."
Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see a man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill an lands at his feet!
"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife & instructs her to make nachos.
"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas &burritos &Other things?" she inquires.
"No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home,
I kept hearing Him yell, ' THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!', 'THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!'

2007-12-01 12:28:49 · 26 answers · asked by °º© r u b y l i g h t s ©º° 4

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

2007-12-01 12:23:15 · 10 answers · asked by Mansour S 5

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.


Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor.. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it lloose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl out, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS

2007-12-01 11:52:38 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What do you get when you assume?

2007-12-01 11:38:30 · 10 answers · asked by caveman 7

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-12-01 11:35:34 · 15 answers · asked by John 4

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."

2007-12-01 11:31:53 · 24 answers · asked by John 4

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

2007-12-01 11:21:26 · 20 answers · asked by John 4

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant,
and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand!
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,
"Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the
statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

2007-12-01 10:51:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Girl-"Mommy! Mommy, I got five dollars!"
Mom-"Where did you get that money from?"
Girl-"From Billy down the street!"
Mom-"How did you get it?"
Girl-"Billy sat on top of a tree and watched me do cartwheels!"
Mom-"You know he only wants to see your panties."
Girl-"Oh."
<------------1 WEEK LATER------------->
Girl-"Mommy! Mommy! I got ten dollars!"
Mom-"I thought I told you to stay away from him!"
Girl-"Don't worry, Mommy! I tricked him! This time I didn't wear any!"
Mom- O_O!

2007-12-01 10:49:40 · 12 answers · asked by omg_itz_nancy 2

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"


Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.


The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.


The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."


Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.


Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.


The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"


The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

2007-12-01 10:20:32 · 15 answers · asked by omg_itz_nancy 2

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut
up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he
went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he
met a policeman.

my most embarrasings times

My most embarrasing moment was when i was in elementary school. I was in the bathroom while my bestfriend waited for me outside. When I came out I thought I saw my mom so I ran up to her, said hi mommy and hugged her. The lady turns around and says sorry honey I'm not your mom. So I walk away embarrased while my friend is laughing and making fun of me

Old computer programmers never die, their computers have fatal errors

2007-12-01 10:16:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-01 10:11:26 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired." = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.

"Can I call you sometimes?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you..., and eventually have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice ****!

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you." = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I l

2007-12-01 09:53:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose ...empty



One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of aninflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all.

(That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.



My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.

We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained.

"It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"

Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.



"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.



The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.



We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever
he can get out of the house.

2007-12-01 09:43:47 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The size
One day there was this couple sitting at the kitchen table talkin bout there sex life.They discovered that their sex life had gotten well boring.All of a sudden this alien couple landed and there yard and after a disscusion they agreed to switch sex partners.Well when the human woman saw the alien males dick she laughed cause it was no longer than 1 inch.The alien man soon discovered what was wrong so he told her that he could fix it. He hit himself on the head with his hand. It instantly grew a foot. The woman was astounished. Later when the couples went back to there normal partners the human man asked how was it. The human lady said it was great but how was yours. The man replied it was great but she keep hitting me in the head.

2007-12-01 09:40:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

2007-12-01 09:36:27 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

What nationality is Santa Claus ?....






North Polish.

2007-12-01 09:32:42 · 7 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?....







Claustrophobic

2007-12-01 09:28:10 · 9 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs

Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo

Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard


Your Momma's so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap!

Yo mamma's so old, she farts dust.

Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.

Yo mamma's so old, when God said, "Let there be light," she flipped the switch.

Yo Mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach

Your momma so stupid, when I told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a spoon!

2007-12-01 09:27:24 · 5 answers · asked by ·!¦[Starsky & Hutch]¦!· 2

" DO I HAVE TO EAT MY BRUSSEL SPROUTS?"

2007-12-01 09:25:53 · 8 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

10. A car wash kit.
09. A table saw.
08. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar.
07. A case of Castrol GTX oil
06. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated.
05. Custom engraved bowling ball.
04. New outboard motor for fishing boat.
03. Rambo Trilogy on DVD.
02. New satellite dish with sport package.
01. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic.


BE NAUGHTY - SAVE SANTA A TRIP!

2007-12-01 09:19:35 · 20 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is sitting up against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied GRIN on its face!


The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'

2007-12-01 09:10:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous