Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

2007-12-28 05:58:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest-rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and said in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares"

2007-12-28 05:53:31 · 13 answers · asked by j j 2

Ok, let me try to remember what it is. I probably will mess it up a lot

You come to a fork in the road, which only leads to two towns. One of those towns is where the people always lie, and the other is where the people always tell the truth. You want to go to the one where people always tell the truth. On one side of the fork, there is a person from the town that always lies, and on the other side of the fork, there is a person from the town that always tells the truth. But you don't know which person comes from where. You can only ask one question, which is directed to both of them(i think). So, what do you ask in order to make it to the truth town?

If you can't understand it that good, just tell me and I'll try to make it clearer.

2007-12-28 05:45:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-28 05:44:44 · 19 answers · asked by country bumpkin [sheep nurse] 7

2007-12-28 05:41:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

2007-12-28 05:40:35 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you start, you have juicy breasts and thighs, and when you're done all you're left with is a greasy box.

2007-12-28 05:31:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

the farmhosue pub welington road yate who is playing tonight any ideas

2007-12-28 05:22:07 · 2 answers · asked by sean k 1

im really upset right now and i need a good laugh so if u can tell me any embarrassing moments i would apreciate it. most embarrassing wins best answer

2007-12-28 04:28:05 · 9 answers · asked by 24love101 2

2007-12-28 04:09:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

He stayed up nights wondering if there was a dog.

2007-12-28 03:59:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please! I need to crack up! It's been boring the past few days... You know, no surprises, laughs. EXCEPT FROM XMAS! I absolutely need one!

2007-12-28 03:55:40 · 13 answers · asked by CarMs™ 2

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-12-28 03:51:39 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I drift forever with the current
Down these long canals they've made
Tame, yet wild, I run elusive
Multitasking to your aid.
Before I came, the world was darker
Colder, sometimes, rougher, true
But though I might make living easy,
I'm good at killing people too..

star if your stumped.. not...


update 30 minutes
winner easy 10..

2007-12-28 03:22:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman went to her Gyno for her annual exam.

He got between her legs and took one look and her and said
"That has got to be the BIGGEST hole I have EVER seen"

She was upset and couldn't believe her doctor would be so rude, but she was too embarassed to say anything.

When she went home , she decided to have a look for herself.

She place a mirror on the floor, Sqauted over the mirror trying to get a good look at herself in the mirror.

Her husband walked in and said "What are you doing"

She was embarassed and said the first thing that came to mind "Oh im doing this new dance I seen on Tv"

To that her husband point to the mirror on the floor "oh ok well be careful not to fall in that big hole"

2007-12-28 03:00:50 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies,"Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third lets out a long sigh and says to the first two,"I don't have time for this bulls***. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

2007-12-28 02:22:53 · 12 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

2007-12-28 02:15:55 · 9 answers · asked by Zephyr 3

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

2007-12-28 02:10:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Called me to get my phone number.
2. Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
3. Put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. Tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5. Sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. Tried to drown a fish.
7. Thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. Got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. Tripped over a cordless phone.
10. Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11. Asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
12. Studied for a blood test.
13. Thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
14. Moved when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home.
15. Took the 22 bus twice because she missed the 44 bus.
16. Turned around and went home when she arrived at the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left."

2007-12-28 01:31:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A yiddish mama in new york has a son, who was The Grand Lama and living in a buddhist monastery in tibet and hadnt seen him for years. She wanted to visit him and a local travel agent looked into it and then told her it was very difficult; she had to fly to India, then fly to a city called Darjeeling at the foot of the himalayas, then take a bus to Nepal and from there go by yak train into Tibet to the monastery. Then to top it all off, the monastery had rules forbidding outsiders to say more than 3 words to the Grand Lama if they came.
The old mama didnt care and bought the tickets.She flew to India and to Darjeeling, then went on a bus to Nepal and rode by yak into Tibet to the monastery. She came to the door and asked to see "the Grand Lama". The man warned her about the 3 word rule and she insisted she would obey it if they let her see the Grand Lama. They let her in, and escorted her to the Grand Lama. She approached him and said
"Sheldon, come home."

2007-12-28 01:19:05 · 3 answers · asked by polldiva 3

A Lecturer teaching medicinewas giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. ''This,'' he explained, ''is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste.''
After sating so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. his class watched in amazement, most in disgust. Butbeing the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. ''If any of you had been observant,you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.'' LOL

2007-12-28 00:56:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is the first time she has met his family and is very nervous. They all sit down to eat.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to the broccoli casserole. The build up of wind makes her eyes water, so she lets out a dainty little fart.
Hearing it, her boyfriend's father looks over at the family dog snoozing at her feet and sternly says 'Ginger!'
The woman smiles in relief.
A couple of minutes later, she feels the pain again. This time, she doesn't hesitate, and does a louder and longer one.
The father looks at the dog and yells 'Ginger!'
Again she smiles in relief.
Minutes later she has to fart again, this time without thinking, she lets rip with one as loud as a foghorn.
The father looks at the dog in disgust and yells 'Damn it, Ginger, get away from her before she craps on you!'

2007-12-27 23:52:26 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she
continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

2007-12-27 23:29:49 · 26 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

The handsome young man seated at a restaurant table fancied himself a lady-killer. He flirted with the beautiful waitress throughout the meal. but she remained unruffled. By the time she brought the check, he was getting a little miffed. He looked straight into her eyes. "Aren't there three little words that you'd like to have me whisper in your pretty pink ear?"
"Yes", she said, looking straight back at him. "Keep the change."

Funny?

2007-12-27 23:09:02 · 7 answers · asked by Lei Al 2

2007-12-27 23:03:17 · 6 answers · asked by ? 4

2007-12-27 22:57:55 · 8 answers · asked by ? 4

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:
"You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.

" What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: "well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?
"The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says "he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse".

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, "Chief, can i talk to my horse again"? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says "Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse.."

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells

"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!"

2007-12-27 22:57:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthily examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventual approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

2007-12-27 22:56:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-27 22:56:26 · 1 answers · asked by ? 4

* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

* There would be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

* Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.

* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

*porn sites would convert into health sites.

*women would not bake cookies anymore.
*girls would urge to shove their boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

2007-12-27 22:26:13 · 11 answers · asked by cold kid 2