Any Jokes?

Question

Please! I need to crack up! It's been boring the past few days... You know, no surprises, laughs. EXCEPT FROM XMAS! I absolutely need one!

Answer 1

An old man and woman were sitting out side their house one day when the old man said. " Darling do you remember when we first made love to each other?" "yes i do" " then how about we go to that very same spot and do it again?" " oh billy thats a silly idea but i'll play along." So they went behind a shop near a fence. The old man took off his trousers and the old woman took off her skirt. A passing by policeman sees them undressing and thinks " i gotta see this" Amazingly, he sees the couple having hard sex as if they were professionals. After hours, the old man and woman got up panting. The officer walked up to them and said " im sorry sir but that was something else! You must have had a terrific sex life together! How do you do it? Whats your secret?" " The old man looked at him and said, " 20 years ago, that wasn't an electric fence"

Want another!! WELL HERE I GO!!

Once upon a time, a man directly from China moved to New York. Because he could barely speak english, the only place he could get a job was at a convenient store. A woman came up to him and said, " What is your name?" The China man did not say anything because he could not understand what she was saying. She thought he was being rude and left. At the end of the day, the boss came and said" Bob, when someone asks your name, say, 'My name is Bob'" The next day, a man walked in the store asking the price of a strawberry. Bob said, " My name is Bob." The man left the store. At the end of the day, the boss told Bob," if someone asks for the price of strawberries, say ' 10 cents 10 cents'" The next day a woman was asking if the peaches are fresh. Bob said "10 cents 10 cents" At the end of the day, the boss said, if some one asks you if the peaches are fresh, say ' Yes yes very fresh!'" The next day, a man came in the store and said "should i buy the apples?" Bob said "Yes yes very fresh!" At the end of the day, the boss said "if someone asks you if they should buy the apples say ' Yes do it now before someone else does!'"
At closing time, Bob was the last one in the store. A robber came up to him and said "Whats your name!?" Bob said "My name is Bob." "How much is in the cash register!?" shouted the robber!?" "10 cents 10 cents" "Are you being fresh with me?!" " Yes yes very fresh!" " Well prepare to die" "Yes do it now before someone else does."

YOU OWE ME I HADDA THINK OF THESE JOKES AND WRITE EM! hope i helped tho.

Answer 2

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!

"And to what school would you have been going? I myself went to St. Mary's, I did." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters..."It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Answer 3

> We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve party.
> We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
> covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
>
> We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
> arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
>
> The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We
> didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
> the bird.
>
> My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
> cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
>
> Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that
> The house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi
> driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say
> goodbye to my mother.''
>
> A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so
> long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the
> bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
> She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to
> Wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked
> ... I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back
> yard!'
>
> The cab driver hit a parked car.

Answer 4

What was Grandpa's answer to why the chicken crossed the road??








Well, in my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. We just said the chicken crossed the road and that was enough.



What was kernel Sanders answer?









I missed one?

Answer 5

Maxine was in a bar, just sitting there sipping on club soda when a man walked up to her & offered to buy her a drink.

Maxine said, "No thanks - alcohol is not good for my legs."

The man asked, "Oh - do they swell?"

"No", Maxine replied, "they spread"

Answer 6

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Answer 7

Dave Chappelle: What did the fingers say to the face? Slap!!

What did the condom say to the Penis? I'll cover you, while you go in!!!!

Answer 8

my little cousin(8 age) was learning doing signature
she signed with pencil on a paper and showed it to me saying thats my signature...

i told her that there is always special thing in a signature that it is supposed Tobe same everytime you perform...

she said my signature has a specialty that its different every time =)

Answer 9

well uhhhh knock knock who's there boo boo who its just a joke u dont need to cry its a very bad joke but hopfully it helps

Answer 10

http://youtube.com/watch?v=fWos7Z_zDgg

turn ur volume LOUD the louder the funnier haha

if that doesnt make you laugh then nothing will