Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

a man finally goes with his wife to church. the man was so impressed with the preachers sermon, that he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"preacher, i'll tell you that was a d*mned fine sermon." the preacher says "why thank you sir, but we dont use profanity in the house of the Lord."

the man says, "but preacher, that was the best d*mned sermon i ever heard." the preacher says again, "sir, i must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again."

the man says, "well..i was so impressed with your sermon that i placed $1000 in the collection plate."

the preacher says " NO $HIT?"

2007-12-28 21:03:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time
ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and
told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet.
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what
had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet,
but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled,
but I never screamed.”

“So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated.

“Well,” Joe continued, “two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them
say, ‘Should we take them home or eat 'em now?’”

2007-12-28 20:49:55 · 26 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

we have 20 ltr water & there are 3 jugs 19 ltr, 13 ltr & 7ltr by using this all three we have to fill two jugs with 10ltr water in each. Pls help how?

2007-12-28 20:16:38 · 6 answers · asked by vinoy28 1

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box,opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,"Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying,YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

2007-12-28 18:57:24 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

2007-12-28 18:45:31 · 2 answers · asked by Hussaine 1

A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."

2007-12-28 18:20:56 · 4 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

2007-12-28 18:18:40 · 5 answers · asked by qwert 7

Blow Up

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

2007-12-28 17:23:18 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last week i went to Madurai to meet my friend.But he with his family have gone for an excursion.
As i was in thirst, i knocked next by house .A 10 year girl gave me water.
I asked her what she was doing?. She said,"I am cooking the child and burning the mother".( puzzle 1)
I asked her where her father is?. She said,"He has gone to
mix the sand with the sand". (puzzle 2)
I asked her where her mother is?. She said,"She has gone to
make single in to double". (puzzle 3)
I was not able to follow her. Knowing my face she said that she will ask one puzzle and if i answer it,she will explain every thing
in detail.
The puzzlle is : (puzzle 4) A cap in the top and a cap in the bottom, a burning candle in-between. what is that ?

Can any one help me in solving all the puzzle.

2007-12-28 17:20:02 · 11 answers · asked by S.M.R. 3

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush

2007-12-28 17:11:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marraige proposal

Boy friend: Darling! i can't marry You; because my family members are not accpeting.
Girl friend: who are there at your house ?
Boy friend: MY Wife and Three Chilldren

:-D
have a nice day..

2007-12-28 16:33:28 · 37 answers · asked by *♥SwEeTy♥* 6

There is a puzzle for you.



There is a bus with 7 girls.
Each girl has 7 bags.
In each bag, there are 7 big cats
Each big cat has 7 little cats.
Each cat has 4 legs.
Question: How many legs are present in bus?

2007-12-28 16:07:29 · 44 answers · asked by green valley 1

a black guy that was overweight found a lamp and rubbed it, a genie popped out and said you get three wishes, the black guy says i want to skinny, white and surrounded by p*ssy, the genie says abracadbra your a tampon.

2007-12-28 15:31:06 · 37 answers · asked by RegalTitan 2

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

2007-12-28 15:19:44 · 13 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

this is her brother.
okay.
why is it when i spill water i spill it on my shirt?
i hav 8 stained shirts from dr. pepper.

2007-12-28 14:46:35 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

this might be an awful riddle.....lolz

2007-12-28 13:19:43 · 12 answers · asked by racoonxoxo 2

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

2007-12-28 12:43:29 · 23 answers · asked by vivienne s 2

1st_typeriter is the longest word that you can type by only using a single row of a keyboard. (1st row)

2nd_most of the people read the first truth must have atleast looked at their 1st row once

3rd_a smile is coming out of your lovely gradiant lips right now =)

4th_instantly stopped that wonderful smile, and made me unhappy =)

5th_starts to smile again

enjoy your holidays all of you

and happy new year

*you have two days left* *finish anything that you want to do in 2007, in two days* *remember you wont get this year back* come on you wil always get a better year

happy holidays

2007-12-28 12:16:48 · 3 answers · asked by oOo_tophothari_oOo 3

An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.


Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:


"Dearest Wife,


Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

2007-12-28 11:41:03 · 16 answers · asked by oOo_tophothari_oOo 3

before and after marriage ---- man

before marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

scroll down for after mariage
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After marriage...
Simply read from bottom to top.

2007-12-28 10:30:14 · 15 answers · asked by oOo_tophothari_oOo 3

A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says "Can I help you?" The penguin says "Has my father been in here today?"
And the bartender says "I don't know, what does he look like?"

2007-12-28 10:28:17 · 21 answers · asked by abluheron1 4

So a Guy walks into a bar and he says, "Ouch"

2007-12-28 10:23:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the **** are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

2007-12-28 09:58:16 · 11 answers · asked by Chica 1

action.He meets a girl in a bar and she takes him back to her place.Thor,having the stamina of a God,then has constant sex with her for 14hours.Later,Thor is boasting to his fellow Gods about his prowess,but Odin tells him off."You can't submit human women to so much divine sex,"he says."They don't have the strenght.You might have injured her.Go back to earth,find this woman,and apologise".So Thor goes back to the girl's flat and knocks on the door.The girl shffles to the door and opens it."Look",says Thor."Sorry about last night and everything.I ought to explain.You see,I'm Thor......"
"Oh.You're thor are you?"complains the girl."Poor you.I can't even pith."
****
Little Johnny runs into class late."I'm sorry,miss,"he says,"i'm late cause I had to make my own breakfast this morning."Teacher accepts this but for his punishment makes him stand at the front of the class and answer some geogarahy questions."Now,Johnny,"says the teacher,

2007-12-28 08:32:14 · 11 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

tell me if its funnyyy:P


theres something big and scary
its lying on my wall
its not a monster its not a fairy
its nothing bad at all!
but then i start to thnk again
with my face full of grief
its not my cat its not my pen
then it must be my roast beef!


haha i wrote that when i was like 5 now im 15.. is it good :(

2007-12-28 08:28:08 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the
fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
sh*t when you hear the price."

2007-12-28 07:31:04 · 44 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Before his inaugaration, George W Bush was invited on atour of the White House by Bill Clinton.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asks Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
Once inside, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, Bush told his wife about the urinal.
He said, 'When i'm President, i'll have my own personal gold urinal.'
Later, his wife had lunch with Hillary Clinton, she told her how impressed George had been by the fact Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bil and Hillary were getting ready for bed.
Hillary said,'Well, i found out who urinated in your saxophone.'

2007-12-28 07:15:01 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: "I've got
another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard!"

2007-12-28 07:13:01 · 52 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

George W Bush visits a school to deliver a talk on greek literature.
he sits in front of the classand says, 'Who knows what a tragedy is?'
A small boy says, 'Say my friend got run over by a tractor and died. Would that be a tragedy?'
'No' says Bush, 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl says 'Is it when a bus full of little children crashes and they die?'
Bush replies, 'No, but it would be a great loss.'
Another boy says, 'Would a tragedy be if Air Force One was shot down and you died?'
Bush asks, 'Why do you say that?'
The boy says, 'Because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!'

2007-12-28 06:49:27 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

a magican was sawing his new assistant in half, when:

she asked 'what happened to your old assistant'
he repiled 'she now lives in London and Manchester!'

2007-12-28 06:09:17 · 20 answers · asked by jon h 6