Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Shopping Mall

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Famous Grouse whisky and women with big t its.

2007-12-27 21:50:14 · 19 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

2007-12-27 21:48:50 · 16 answers · asked by arun 2

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

2007-12-27 21:33:03 · 18 answers · asked by GoodGirlGoneBad 3

A policeman comes to tell an Irish woman about her husband's untimely drowning in a vat of beer at the brewery.
She sobs 'Oh.the poor man. Please, tell me; did he suffer much?'
'I don't think so' replies the policeman, 'He come out twice to go to the toilet'

Q. Why did the Irishman put ice in his condom?
A. To bring the swelling down

A policeman finds a bloke in an alley with his finger up his mate's butt.
'What are you doing' he asks.
'He's drunk and i'm trying to make him sick' says the bloke.
'You wont make him sick by doing that' says the policeman.
The bloke says 'I will, when i put it in his mouth.'

Q. What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
A. Lipstick, on a good day

Q. How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?
A. Irresistible.

A little boy asks his father 'Dad, what's a transsexual?'
His father replies 'Ask your mother; he'll know.'

Q. Why did the blonde stop using the pill
A. Because it kept falling out

2007-12-27 21:01:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Many times,I chase a person in a bike thinking that it is a nice girl but after overtaking,I find that they have mush.

From their back,they appear to be girls.

Girls are also wearing pants and shirts and look manly.

Can you help?Some of the men do not have mush also.

2007-12-27 20:45:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-27 20:17:03 · 32 answers · asked by ? 5

2007-12-27 19:46:58 · 0 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are the one.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-27 19:45:12 · 3 answers · asked by ? 4

What make of camera is showing on tv the one with the little boy playing with his dog, he throws it on to the compost heap then washes it and then puts in on the table were his mum is talking on the phone.

2007-12-27 18:00:15 · 10 answers · asked by D K 1

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

2007-12-27 16:57:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-12-27 16:22:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men stop at a motel with $10 each. The innkeeper says " the room is $25, i'll give you each a dollar back and keep $2 for myself." then they each payed $9 x3 = $27 + $2 for the innkeeper is $29 where is the other dollar?

2007-12-27 14:55:06 · 7 answers · asked by dilligaftoker 1

Funnies answer takes it all.
This time tell me what you really think....
Don't hold back....lol....hahahahaha...
Now get to typing.....hahahahaha

2007-12-27 14:13:27 · 22 answers · asked by rick 3

Clean jokes only please! (=

2007-12-27 13:22:04 · 12 answers · asked by No One 3

2007-12-27 13:11:28 · 9 answers · asked by jayman 2

the most original/ best 1 i havent heard wins

2007-12-27 12:15:41 · 9 answers · asked by foxy07 3

An oldie but a favourite of mine..........

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like mad. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing in front of the worried parents but he kept on laughing and laughing and laughing...his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a paediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and...guess what he found?

























.......The birth control pill. :)

2007-12-27 12:08:15 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

Farmer Brown goes out one day & buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster & says: "OK,old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says:"You can't handle all these chickens; look what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside & the young take over, so take a hike!"
The old rooster says:"Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster snarls:"Scram!Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute & then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles:"You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
The two roosters line up at the back of the farm house.

2007-12-27 12:00:36 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-27 11:58:40 · 11 answers · asked by Wylie Coyote 6

The Inebriation Scale

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing a*se.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets p*ssed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

2007-12-27 11:56:44 · 18 answers · asked by tastybits 7

yea..not really a question..

but something stupid i've done is run into a mailbox while trying to catch a frisbee..

2007-12-27 11:10:57 · 15 answers · asked by Kylie 1

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

2007-12-27 11:08:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in

2007-12-27 11:06:56 · 8 answers · asked by gemma s 1

So these two blonde chicks are drinking and driving. The driver ses the flash of the police car lights in her rearview. She pulls over.
"Like oh no, it's the cops!" she squeaks. "But like, don't worry just do what I do".
So she peels the label off her beer bottle and sticks it to her forehead. The passenger does the same. The officer approaches the vehicle and smells the distinct odor of beer.
"Have you ladies been drinking?" he asks the blondes.
"No way silly!" said the driver blonde pointing to the label on her forehaed. "See? We're on the patch!"

2007-12-27 10:56:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ther was a little boy who had a speech problem. One night on halloween he went up to the door and rang the door bell.

(little boy) "Bic or beat"

(man) " Do what?"

(Little Boy) "BIC OR BEAT"

(man) Ohhhhhhhhhhh....... You mean trick or treat
.
(man) "what are you suppose to be?"

(Little boy) "A birate"

(Man) "a what?"

(Little boy) "A BIRATE"

(man) "Ohhhhhhhhh, you mean a Pirate"

(man) "well, if your a pirate, where are your bucanners?"


(Little boy) " there on my Bucking Head, you bucking Dick"

2007-12-27 10:42:41 · 5 answers · asked by pony_1972 2

Ok there are 3 blonde guys on an island. While walking on the beach one of them tripped on a genie lamp. The genie popped out and said i will grant each one of you one wish. The first guy said i wish i was smarter so i could get off this island. Poof he was a red-head. He built a raft and oars and left the island. The second guy said i wish i was even smarter so i could get off the island but without as much work. Poof he was a brunette and he built a raft but with a sail. He sailed away from the island. The third guy said ok i wish i was even smarter so i can get off this island but without as much work. Poof he was a woman and he walked across the bridge.

2007-12-27 10:33:54 · 21 answers · asked by Allie_girl 3

, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

2007-12-27 10:22:14 · 13 answers · asked by puma 4

ok a dog wants a job..
and he goes to a store
and talks to the manager
the manager asks the dog
if he was billingual [if he could speak more than one language]
and he goes , ''meow''

2007-12-27 10:13:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your *** without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.The second guy arrives with ten berries.When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8..but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

2007-12-27 10:12:09 · 5 answers · asked by Wendy 2

2007-12-27 10:08:56 · 8 answers · asked by Primrose P 1