whats a good bar joke?

Answer 1

A man walks up to the bartender and bets him $100 that he can set a cup at the end of the bar and piss in it without spilling a drop. So the bartender thinks there's no way he could do that and takes the bet. The man unzips and pisses all over the place not landing one drop in the cup. As the bartender is laughing at him taking his 50 dollars he asks the man, "Why would you make that bet knowing you couldn't do it?" So the man points to a table of guys in the back of the bar with frowns on their faces and says, "I just bet those guys $100 each that I could piss all over your bar without you getting mad."

Answer 2

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........
"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"

Answer 3

Three guys arguing in a bar around closing time. They are arguing about who has the biggest willy. Bar tender says "OK I've heard enough already. Everyone has gone home except us, so pull them all out and I'll decide who's the biggest. They pull them out and lay them on the bar and about then a drunk gay guy walks in off the street. The bar tender says no more drinks tonight, sir. The gay says "that's OK, I"ll just have the buffet!

Answer 4

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

A ham, an egg, and a biscuit walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, you'll have to go someplace else. We don't serve breakfast here."

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

A guy goes into a bar, orders and quickly downs a beer. He looks in his shirt pocket and orders and downs another beer. He looks in his shirt pocket again, and repeats the process several more times. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Why do you look into your pocket before you order a beer?" he asks.
The guy explains,"I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I've had too many."

A string goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him, "Sorry, you'll have to go elsewhere. We don't serve strings."
Thirsty, he goes into a second bar, only to be rejected again.
When he goes to his third bar, there's a sign on the wall "NO STRINGS ALLOWED."
Frustrated at the overt discrimination and more than a little thirsty, the string returns to the first bar, but before he goes in, he throws himself to the ground, scruffing himself up considerably and contorting himself into a bizarre shape. When he goes back into the bar, the bartender confronts him: "Hey, aren't you that string I just threw out of here?" to which the string replies, " I'm a frayed knot!"

This last one stretches the point, is hazardous for small children and those with weak stomachs, and requires some knowledge of old swing music, but here goes:
Roy Rogers goes into the saloon and orders his usual glass of buttermilk. He discovers they're about to have a shooting contest, and the prize is the most beautiful pair of cowboy boots ever! Of course, they go out back, and in no time, Roy and his six-gun have taken the prize. He hops up on Trigger and heads back to the ranch. He and Dale are on the front porch admiring his new boots when suddenly a mountain lion appears from nowhere and mauls----the new boots! As suddenly as it appears, the cat is gone!
Distraught and upset, Roy is ready for revenge, and he goes hunting the lion. Across the prarie he track the cat, into the mountains and into the woods, until he finally comes upon his prey and plugs it with another shot from his trusty six-gun. He drapes the corpse across the back of the saddle and heads back to the ranch.
Dale emerges from the ranch house, sees the lifeless lion on Trigger's back, and of course has to ask,
"Pardon me Roy, Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

Answer 5

Bar Jokes


A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.



Three guys were talking in the local fun bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."



A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."



A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."



A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.



A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".

Answer 6

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time.

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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of
his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the
manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
"the balcony."

Answer 7

Man comes in a bar, sits, and asks for a beer.

Bartender comes and hands him his drink.

Man asks how much it's going to cost.

Bartender: "1cent"
Man: "So cheap! But who priced this?"
Bartender: "I did"
Man: "What?! Where's the owner of this bar?!!"
Bartender: "He's up there, scr*wing my wife."
Man: "Then what the h*ll are you still doing down here?"
Bartender: "Doing the same to his business."

..sorry, i just heard this a few days ago from someone else.

Answer 8

ok there were two guys that had a few drinks at a bar they were done so they were leaving the first guy says oh no i left the keys in the car and the other says crap its raining and the tops down

Answer 9

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"

*short and to the point! haha : )