I'm going through a tough time... Anything to cheer me up?

Question

Clean jokes only please! (=

Answer 1

Two frogs are taking a walk and one of them says, "I'm hungry." and the other one agrees, so they go to a diner. When they go to the diner the waiter asks the two frogs, "What will you be having today?" One of the frogs gets an egg salad, while the other gets a chicken salad.

Twenty minutes later the two frogs ask the waiter where their salads are. So the waiter asks the chef the same question, and he says, "Which came first? The chicken or the egg salad?"

And then everybody laughs

Answer 2

Birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you belong to the zoo. Like a monkey like a donkey, the gorilla is you.

I'm not saying that it's u.......

School joke:

There were 3 students that got reported to the principal. one said "What did you do? Why did you get here? I said the S-H word. Another replied "I said the F word". The other replied "I said CHRISTMAS".

HEHEHE.

Two people were talking. One was Filipino, one was American.

Filipino: Sorry.
American: Sorry too
Filipino: Sorry three.
American: Sorry "for (4)" what I did.
Filipino: Sorry five(Ha! Do you think I'm d-u-m-b?)
American: Sorry, but your SICK!
Filipino: Huh? Wasn't it supposed to be six???

ADD:

Mr. and Mrs.


1. One day, a husband's wife was gone for long. (about 4-5 hours).
Mr: Where could she be? Could she be in the mall, the market. Or maybe she died because of a car accident!

Mr: I wish she's not in the mall or market...

2. One day, Mr. Cruz's wife was in the mall.
Mr: Honey. Where have you been?
Mrs: I went to the mall for window shopping.
Mr: Then where are the windows you bought???

HAHAHA

Mother and son:

Son: Mommy! I'm fifth honor in class!
Mother: Wow son! How many are you in class anyway?
Son: Five!

Answer 3

The population of this country is about 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes...


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. What did a blonde say when she got pregnant?

A. "I better go to Jenny Craig's to lose weight."


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Q. How did a blonde get caught cheating on a test?

A. She wrote on her test "Ha ha! You did not catch me cheating while I was writing the test!"


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Q. Why did a blonde get a refund for a donut?

A. There was a hole in it.


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Q. Why did a blonde say she won after she lost in the game connect four?

A. She said, "Look I got four in a row: one, three, four!"


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Q. Why did a blonde butcher a dog and set it on fire?

A. She heard from someone that "hot dogs" taste delicious
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What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?

She moved.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin out and throw it back.


I hope they make you feel better

Answer 4

FROG: what does my future hold?
FAIRY: you'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.
FROG: great! Will I meet her in a party?
FAIRY: no. in biology class.

things you don't want to hear during your own surgery:
-where's the new scissors? why does this damn one got rust?
-10ml? does anyone survive on that? I said 5ml only!
-doc, we've ran out of anaesthesia.
-the stomach's open for like hours, where's the needle and thread?
-fire! fire! everyone out!

MRS: honey, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS:both?could a person be pretty and ugly?
MR: what i mean is , you're pretty ugly.

TEACHER: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
PETER:ma'am, pick me!ma'am pick me!
TEACHER: okay Peter, what is science?
PETER: science is our lesson for today.

a great example of globalization:

princess Diana, a Welsh princess with an Egyptian fiancé,
crashed in a French tunnel while riding in a German car with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
chased by Italian paparazzis on Japanese big bikes.
An American doctor tried to save them using Brazilian meds.
This message was made by a Filipino on a Finnish Nokia phone
smuggled from China by a Pakistani based in Quiapo.

hehehe!

Answer 5

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was dead

Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
because it was tied to the 1st monkey

Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
peer preasure

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
it was doing a monkey impression.

Answer 6

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new
Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise
this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to
best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance
between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN
written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and
press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and
place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder
and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brake

Answer 7

I don't have a joke but I have a great big smile for you.It is grinning from ear to ear.Can you picture it ?Now how about a great big smile back for me.Feel better now

Answer 8

What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? Some Ting Wong lol

Answer 9

why did google spank yahoo?

to know the answer, go to this link - http://lost.eu/68dd3

Answer 10

MY BFF DREAM IS TO SEND A DUCK INTO SPACE!!!!