Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

DR SEUSS: ”Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told."

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: "To die in the rain. Alone."

JERRY FALWELL: ”Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the&nbs p; 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. "

GRANDPA: ”In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough."

BARBARA WALTERS: ”Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON: ”Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace."

ARISTOTLE: "It is the nature of chickens to cross the road."

2007-12-30 23:35:03 · 5 answers · asked by LeeA 3

COLIN POWELL: ”Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...”

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: "We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.”

JOHN KERRY: ”Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. "

NANCY GRACE: ”That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks."

PAT BUCHANAN: ”To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American."

MARTHA STEWART: "No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. "

2007-12-30 23:34:00 · 4 answers · asked by LeeA 3

DR. PHIL : " The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems ".

OPRAH: ”Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. "

GEORGE W. BUSH: “We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. "

2007-12-30 23:32:41 · 6 answers · asked by LeeA 3

2007-12-30 22:34:09 · 21 answers · asked by boncylad 2

Foul Mouths
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

2007-12-30 20:24:28 · 12 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long
time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at
all".

2007-12-30 20:12:18 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for 7 years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first 7 years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 words were "too cold". The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "bad food".

The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I quit". Good they said, "all you have done is complain."

2007-12-30 20:11:26 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Michael Mullens was in court for non payment of maintenance to his ex wife. The judge decided to increase his wife's allowance. So he told Michael I have decided to increase this allowance and give your wife 50 Pounds per week. Michael replied "you're a gentleman sir, and I might even send her a few bob myself.

2007-12-30 20:11:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks for two hours south whilst his friend walks west for two hours aswell.

Both men are 27 years old and are single.

The time is exactly 5pm when they start walking.

They have both set their watches to the same time exactly.

Why would red take cup to boing car broken??

2007-12-30 18:53:04 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smartest
Three men were walking through a park when they suddenly came upon a river. "I wonder how we are going to cross this river?" said one man.

Then a genie appeared before them and said,"I will grant you each one wish so you can cross the river."

The first man said,"I want some strong muscles!" Poof! he had strong muscles! He began to swim across the river but nearly drowned half way.

The second man, seeing this mistake wished for strong muscles AND wood. He built himself a raft. He too attempted to cross the river but half way through, his raft sank and he had to swim the rest of the way.

The third man, seeing these two mistakes thought for a while. "Hmmm...Aha! I wish to be a woman!" Poof! He had turned into a woman!

The woman pulled out a map, located the nearest bridge on it, and hiked about 5 feet to it and crossed it.

2007-12-30 18:48:39 · 13 answers · asked by debbie 5

There was a man who couldn't talk and he wanted to learn how.

So he went to an oprera and heard the singer go "Meeeeeeeeeeemeeeeeemeeeeeeee."

Next he went to a pottery store and heard a salesman going "Forks and knives, forks and knives."

Next, in the street he heard a kid go "He stole my lollipop!"

He walked around all day learning these phrases. While he was practicing he accidently walked on a murder scene and practically tripped over the dead guy in the street. Before he knows it, he's talking to a policeman who asks "Who killed this man?"

"Meeeeemeeeeemeeeeee"

"Well, how did you kill him?"

"Forks and knives, forks and Knives"

"But why did you kill him?"

"He stole my lollipop!"

"Okay, you're coming with me mister!"

2007-12-30 18:47:31 · 8 answers · asked by debbie 5

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together. After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued, "Yeah, I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best."

He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

2007-12-30 18:30:39 · 33 answers · asked by threes|the|charm 2

father and son in car..get in car accident ...father dies on the spot.. son is injured..brought to the hospital ...needs surgery ..doctor walks in the room and says ''i cant operate on him thats my son''..whos the doctor?

2007-12-30 17:58:16 · 11 answers · asked by what e 2

One bright morning... in the middle of the night... two dead boys got up to fight...they stood back to back...facing each other... drew their swords...and shot each other...the deaf policeman heard the noise...and came and killed the two dead boys... If you don't believe my story is true...ask the blind man, he saw it too.

2007-12-30 17:12:14 · 6 answers · asked by mao ying 3

Because she couldnt control her pupils

2007-12-30 17:08:19 · 6 answers · asked by dontbedenied 3

i need some pranks to pull on my friends truck but i dont want to break anything. HELP.... PLEASE

2007-12-30 16:19:19 · 9 answers · asked by jimbo 1

2007-12-30 16:03:37 · 13 answers · asked by Alan T 1

just curious

2007-12-30 15:04:19 · 13 answers · asked by redhotchilipeppersrock 3

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

2007-12-30 15:02:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

My neice just sent me this email...it is a true story...thought you'd all enjoy it.
Pls star if you like it so I can tell her. Thx.

What a dad!
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a

teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring
at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got
drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.

2007-12-30 15:02:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did one transistor say to the other transistor?







Hey, when did the brown's get set free?

2007-12-30 14:55:42 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why Men Can't Win




If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

2007-12-30 14:51:41 · 14 answers · asked by ? 3

This is a trick question! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

2007-12-30 13:47:47 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you trap an elephant?

Dig a hole, put peas around the hole and fill the hole with ash.


So when he comes up to take a pea u kick him in the ash-hole

2007-12-30 13:08:10 · 24 answers · asked by Buddha Belly 2

whats this some sort of joke??

an english man an irish man and a lepricorn walk into a pub the lepricorn looks around and says oh bejeezus i'm in the wrong joke!!

Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

"Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability."

2007-12-30 12:57:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."






I know it's pretty corny, but I chuckled, thanks for the star if you did too.

2007-12-30 12:52:39 · 13 answers · asked by Will S 6

The Christmas Party - not far from reality -


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
every- thing for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. However, to the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short
people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with
high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The F**king Holiday Party

Vegetarians!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die, you hear me?
The **** from HELL!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Katie

2007-12-30 12:50:20 · 8 answers · asked by Stubborn Cat 2

2007-12-30 12:50:08 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the womman lose the beauty pagent?

She was ugly.

(out of things to write at this part)

2007-12-30 12:32:58 · 7 answers · asked by X 4

How do you get a sarcastic, cynical, pessimistic to stop posting jokes?

Stop reading them!

Hahahaha.

2007-12-30 12:30:24 · 6 answers · asked by X 4