These are true things said in court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________...
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
2007-12-31 01:23:11 · 9 answers · asked by >o_OStarry Eyed>VandazZ 3 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
haha! i gotta tell my dad(and sisterz and mom) these! they looooov stuff like this(as do i)
keep em comin! * for u
2007-12-31 04:59:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Heard them before, but still brilliant. Especially the last one.
2007-12-31 11:40:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
haha these are great, but the last one is the best!
2007-12-31 03:57:44 · answer #3 · answered by xbrwneyedgirlx 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lol v funny
2007-12-31 02:38:16 · answer #4 · answered by Gers 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hilarious 5 thumps up wait a minute i only have two yeah thats what i meant two thumps up
2007-12-31 02:31:57 · answer #5 · answered by MEETOO 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lmao thanks for the laugh
2007-12-31 02:03:54 · answer #6 · answered by Nelly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
These are awesome. Remind me to never get one of these lawyers if I ever got to court!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!
2007-12-31 02:03:22 · answer #7 · answered by Daisy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lol
2007-12-31 01:59:03 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
HAHA!!! my Fav is
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
XD XD XD XF ROFL!!!!
2007-12-31 01:58:16 · answer #9 · answered by NONAME 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋