Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

is toad licking good for you, does it gave you super powers????...give me your best answer hahahahaa!!!!

2007-12-25 17:31:02 · 5 answers · asked by ThankyoutoHelp 2

If i end it early can i still give 10 points.
That roaster question...is not even funny anymore.
some of you'll just went to far....It's on now........
lol....hahahahaha

2007-12-25 17:04:40 · 10 answers · asked by rick 3

2007-12-25 14:19:47 · 5 answers · asked by Kelly 3

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

2007-12-25 13:40:53 · 16 answers · asked by infobod2nd 4

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

2007-12-25 12:52:52 · 19 answers · asked by ღ£Ðwå®Ðz§ løv£®ღ 7

Because he couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.



Funny or racist?

2007-12-25 12:40:24 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

2007-12-25 11:55:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?", he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."

2007-12-25 11:52:36 · 12 answers · asked by Mr. X 4

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies, "get your own damn blanket!"

2007-12-25 11:25:01 · 21 answers · asked by Mr. X 4

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

2007-12-25 11:19:56 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. X 4

A teacher is asking the kids what jobs their father's do. All the usual answers come up: fireman, salesman, builder and so on.
But little Johnny doesn't raise his hand.
"Come on Johnny! We want to know what your dad does!"
Johnny says "My dad is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes his clothes off in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he goes out with them, rents a cheap hotel room and sleeps with them".
The teacher quickly sets the other children some work to do and pulls Johnny aside.
"Is that really what your dad does Johnny?" she asks.
"No, he plays for England but i'm too embarassed to say!"

2007-12-25 11:05:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please star if you think they're hard.

1.Emperor Akbar once ruled over India. He was a wise and intelligent ruler, and he had in his court the Nine Gems, his nine advisors, who were each known for a particular skill. One of these Gems was Birbal, known for his wit and wisdom. The story below is one of the examples of his wit. Do you have it in you to find out the answer?

One day a scholar came to the court of Emperor Akbar and challenged Birbal to answer his questions and thus prove that he was as clever as people said he was.

He asked Birbal: "Would you prefer to answer a hundred easy questions or just a single difficult one?"

Both the emperor and Birbal had had a difficult day and were impatient to leave.

"Ask me one difficult question," said Birbal.

"Well, then tell me," said the man, "which came first into the world, the chicken or the egg?"

"The chicken," replied Birbal, very confidently.

"How do you know?" asked the scholar, a note of triumph in his voice

2007-12-25 10:55:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in
a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the
same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb,and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her
leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said


You'll love this .


Yep .. I know you will . .




"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

2007-12-25 10:53:24 · 31 answers · asked by st.abbs 5

A couple go to bed together for the first time.
The woman says, "Oh dear, what a small organ!"
The man replies, "Well i didn't think i'd be playing in the town hall!"

2007-12-25 10:49:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The History of the Middle Finger


Well, now......here's something I never knew before,
and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my
more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will
feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know
something about it?


Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle
finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle
finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English
longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting
in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow
was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck
yew").


Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won
a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their
middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we
can still pluck yew!

2007-12-25 10:01:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Twas the night after Christmas, when all through my pad,
Nothing was happening, now that’s pretty bad


The candles were lit and the bed made with great care, In hopes that Ms. Santa soon would be bare


The reindeer were nestled all snug in the shed, Exhausted from last night, Rudolf nearly dead


My stomach was full of tacos and wine, When she returns from the store we’ll have a good time


When out in the yard there arose such a racket, I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.
Out the front door I flew like a flash, To see who overturned the garbage full of Christmas trash.
The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow, Gave the light of mid-day to the objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, Twas Ms Santa decked out in Dominatrix gear
She had a flogger in one hand and in the other a whip, A strap-on and paddle dangled from her hip
“Your a*s is mine Santa, ” she shouted with great cheer,
“Now get in the house and let’s have some beer!!

2007-12-25 09:57:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde woman on board. Right after the launch, the monkey opens his instructions and starts turning out the oxygen tanks, checking the gyroscope deflector.
The woman feels uneasy and opens her instructions. They contain just one - feed the monkey!

2007-12-25 09:34:24 · 10 answers · asked by *♥* donna *♥* 7

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary.
The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber, so once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with a pin. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.
The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time nothing happened so Johnny put a little more pressure to the pin and this time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that ******* thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted

2007-12-25 08:44:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Before a friendly between Scotland and England, James McFadden walks into the dressing room to discover that half the team are sleeping.
McFadden asks "What's going on?"
Barry Ferguson says "We can't get motivated, it's only England!"
McFadden replies "That's ok, just go to the pub and i'll play them myself!"
So the team head to the nearest pub.
After a while they turn on the tv to find out the score.
The scoreline reads 'Scotland 1 England 0: Mcfadden 10mins.' The players cheer, turn the tv off and return to their drinks.
After a while Scott Brown says "It'll be full time now. Let's turn on the tv and find out how Faddie done."
The score comes up as, 'Scotland 1 England 1: Rooney 88 mins.' So the Scots run to the stadium to congratulate Mcfadden.
When they get there, he's in the corner crying.
Faddie says "Sorry lads-i let you down"
Ferguson says "Dont be daft. You drew 1-1 with England on your own!"
"I know" says Faddie "But i got sent off in the 12th min"

2007-12-25 08:17:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you smile, laugh, or giggle, etc, star please =]
Okay so a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.Unfortunately,he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9yearsold.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.Theyhave bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is alreadyasleepon the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.As youmight expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tellshisgirlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" ifshewants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!! She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!PULL IT OUT!!!PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over myface!*!*!*!*!

2007-12-25 08:16:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...
"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"

2007-12-25 08:16:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points to the person who comes up with the best punchline for this!

Merry Christmas everyone! ;-)

2007-12-25 07:07:12 · 13 answers · asked by Jack B, goodbye, Yahoo! 6

before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Love, honey

2007-12-25 07:04:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

2007-12-25 06:00:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

2007-12-25 05:56:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: What kind of bird can write?
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

Hope You had a good laugh with these Christmas Jokes!

2007-12-25 05:37:18 · 18 answers · asked by Keep your head high. :) 5

Wanna boost yr holiday spirit ?~~~~?
Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty.

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every
Unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........

2007-12-25 05:31:31 · 26 answers · asked by ๏๓ รђคภtเ, รђคภtเ รђคภtเ ....... ! 7

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

- The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

- The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

- The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.

- The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

- The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

- The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2007-12-25 02:29:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blind man and his guide dog walk into sears and go into the mens department and the blind man grabs the dog by the scruff of his tail and starts swinging the dog around over his head like a lasso. whhww whhhw whhhw








a clerk runs up and says "Sir Can i help you !?"





blind man repiles










"No, im just looking around."

2007-12-25 02:09:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Finding perfect men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

frm: http://www.ahajokes.com/mar055.html

2007-12-25 01:58:35 · 22 answers · asked by ? 7