Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him,Doctor?" The Doctor replied,
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

2007-12-23 22:33:39 · 18 answers · asked by free the weed 3

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

2007-12-23 22:31:10 · 25 answers · asked by free the weed 3

While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!" He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?" The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else." Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks,"What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know."Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."

2007-12-23 22:27:48 · 12 answers · asked by free the weed 3

whats pink and fluffy?

pink fluff

2007-12-23 17:42:36 · 7 answers · asked by Ems 4

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

2007-12-23 16:49:40 · 24 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

2007-12-23 16:33:41 · 28 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

One day a blonde walks into a store. The blonde is looking for a tv, when she spots on in the corner of the store. The blonde asks the sales clerk, "I would like to buy that tv over there in the corner. The sales clerk replies, " No, I do not sell anything to blondes. So, the blonde goes home and dies her hair black. Later that day, the blonde (who's hair is now died black) goes back to the store and asks the same sales clerk is she can buy the tv that is in the corner. The sales clerk replies, "No, I do not sell anything to blondes." So the blonde goes home again frustrated now knowing how the sales clerk knew that she was blonde since her hair was dyed black. When she gets home she dies her hair red. She goes back to the store again, and asks the same sales clerk if she can buy the tv that is in the corner. The sales clerk replies, "No, I do not sell anything to blondes." Angrily the blonde then says, "How do you know that I am blonde if my hair is now red?" (read below)

2007-12-23 15:58:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

2007-12-23 15:17:41 · 14 answers · asked by Mrs.Smith 4

So Assclowns from space have landed and demand you recite a Limerick worthy of them or they are going to bury the planet under sixty metres of rotting seaweed.

What Limerick do you recite

2007-12-23 15:15:23 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I found this messed up map on uncyclopedia.org what is different about it and a regular map?http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/3/33/WorldSmall.png

2007-12-23 15:11:49 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is 3 men and a pilot on an air plane.
1 man goes to the pilot and says"Exuse me what do i do with this empty beer bottle...I cant find a garbage." the pilot replies "Oh...just through it out the window."
Another man goes to the pilot with another beer bootle and says the same thing. again the pilot tells him to throw it out the window

The 3rd guy goes to the pilot with a bomb and says what do i do with this bomb? The pilot says to throw it out the windo.

So when the guys land, the pilot is walking and he c's a guy crying and he asks y? The guy says he got hit in the head with a beer bottle.
The pilot sees another guy crying..he asks y and he also got hit wit a beer bottle

Then he is walking and he sees a guy hyserically laughing,,, the pilot asks why and he said "Well, I farted and then, that building blew up!!"

LOL!!

2007-12-23 15:07:04 · 16 answers · asked by SLA 3

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

2007-12-23 14:40:42 · 10 answers · asked by Mrs.Smith 4

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-
the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-12-23 14:32:02 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang.

She walked up to the Hell's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door.

"Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice.

A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!".

"Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back.

"Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off.

"Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys".

"Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the t-i-t-s a few times".

2007-12-23 14:28:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hear it all the time but never quite know what it means

2007-12-23 14:26:03 · 7 answers · asked by bored123 1

One night, after watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, a man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky.

He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes."

"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

2007-12-23 14:21:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-12-23 14:18:48 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

* You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

* Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

* A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

* You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

* You can always warm coffee up.

* Coffee comes with endless refills.

* Coffee is cheaper.

* You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

* Coffee never runs out.

* Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

* You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

* You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

* You can smoke while drinking coffee.

* You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

* Coffee smells and tastes good.

* If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

* You can always get fresh coffee.

* You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

* They sell coffee at police stations.

* You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

* Coffee goes down easier.

* If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

* No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

* A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.

* Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

* Coffee smells good in the morning.

* Coffee is good when it's cold too.

* Coffee stains are easier to remove.

* Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

* Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

* Coffee doesn't shed.

* Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

* You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

* Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

* No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

* Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.

* When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

* When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

* Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.

* Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

* INSTANT COFFEE!

* You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

* It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

* Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

2007-12-23 14:18:08 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it just me or are you getting strange urges to burn down the nearest Gap store everytime you play around on Y!A?

Star if you agree

2007-12-23 14:13:18 · 19 answers · asked by Will S 6

I have this sheet for extra credit at school...with all of these picture puzzles. You're supposed to find out what the common...saying...thing is from looking at the picture...but some of these TOTALLY stump me...please help!


Example:

T
O
U
C
H

would be Touchdown...because...it's touch...going down, yeah.




Alright, here are the ones I need:



CCCCCCC



SHORT
BRAINS






MAN
1 x 10



DICE o DICE

2007-12-23 14:10:12 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because their peckers are on there face.

2007-12-23 14:01:14 · 3 answers · asked by MARIE S 4

Eggh...I have this extra credit puzzle sheet thing...and I TOTALLY can't find the answers for some of them. Alright...you have to figure out what the common thing is by looking at the picture

EXAMPLE:

T
O
U
C
H

was one of the questions...answer: Touchdown...(because...its' touch...going down, yeah.)


And here are some of the ones I'm stuck on.


EZ
iiii



ONCE
2:30


DICE o DICE



MAN
1 x 10


0
PhD MD
MA LLB







Yep, that's about it...PLEASE HELP?

2007-12-23 13:56:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to a prison to visit someone. The sercurity guard at the front dest asked him who are you going to see?

The man said..." Brothers and sisters I have none, But that man's father is my father's son."

Who is her going to see?? Think about it then anwser...

2007-12-23 13:31:05 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other." The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the cops".

2007-12-23 13:18:42 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called
the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your
boss or colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your
private life.
If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or BothersomeEmployerElimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery
store.

2007-12-23 13:17:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two but don't ask me how they got in there.

2007-12-23 13:13:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help
Hotline. I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan. I explained
that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and
wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....

2007-12-23 13:12:17 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes up to his father and says
"Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"
The dad replies
"Before or after sex?"
"Both"
The dad thinks for a moment then says
"Before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose.."
"And after sex?"
"Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog with mayonaise around its mouth?"



lol

Got any funny jokes?

2007-12-23 12:26:44 · 13 answers · asked by nemo! 2

A Scotsman, an Englishman & an Irishman are sentenced to spend 15yrs in solitary confinement.The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he wants.
The Scotsman says, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The victim of his own logic the judge reluctantly agrees & the Scotsman takes his wife & heads off to solitary.
The Englishman says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees & off goes the Englishman with his telephone.
The Irishman pulls out a hand-held calculator a & furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me." The judge agrees & off goes the Irishman with his ciggies.
After 15 years they open the Scotsman's cell & out he comes with his woman &15 children. "That wasnae so bad," he says.
The Englishman emerges & announces he is now a multimillionaire having set up a successful business by telephone.
The Irishman then emerges, trembling like a leaf....

2007-12-23 12:19:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three hunters tell stories to each other.
First one said: “Recently I was attacked by two wolfs. But I was not upset. I shot them only once and killed both of them with one bullet”.
Second hunter said: “I had a similar case. Three wolfs attacked me. I shot twice and killed all of them with two bullets”.
Third hunter said: “I had a similar case as well. Pack of wolfs attacked me. I shot several times but missed. My gun was unloaded. So I ran and climb a tree. The wolfs were sitting around waiting for me. Finally I was sleepy and frozen. And then I fell down right in the middle of the pack of wolfs.”
All others were amazed. “What happened next?” – they yelled.
The third hunter replied: “Those f..king wolfs ate me up”.

http://www.flintstories.com/anecdotes.php

2007-12-23 11:56:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous