Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

14. If u can't drink drive, y do u need a driver's license to buy liquor, y do bars have parkin lots?
15.why is it that a doctors work is called a practice?
16. Y is it that when u r drivin and lookin for an address, u turn down the volume?
17.If a cow sneezed would milk come out of his nose
18.what hair color do they put on bald mens drivers lisences
19.IF THE BLACK BOX SURVIVES A pLANE CRASH WHY ISNT THE WHOLE PLANE MADE OF THE STUFF
20.WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM
21.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
22.Why do they call it “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when they know the answer is going to be everyone?
23.How many people do you need to consider it a mass suicide/murder?
24.Could a tanning bed kill a vampire? If not would they get a tan?
25.How long is it until your relationship is considered a long-term relationship?

2006-09-29 05:17:45 · 8 answers · asked by baby 2

1. if a store is open 24/7 why are their locks on the doors
2. why is it that dogs stick their heads out windows but hate when you blow in their face
3.why are they called APART-ments when they are stuck together????
4. Why is an autograph called an autograph when it isn't a graph on automobiles?
5.If Ms. Cleo can predict your future why does she ask you for your name?
6.is their any lacktose and tolerent people in Wisconsin
7.can you teach a new dog old tricks
8.and if you can then why cant you teach a old dog new tricks???
9.Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
10.Why, when we send something by ship its called cargo and if we send something by car its called a shipment?
11.If you get olive oil by squeezing olives, how do we get baby oil?
12.Why do you have to have a drivers licence to buy alcohol if you can't drink and drive?
13.b4 they invented drawing boards where did they go bak to?

2006-09-29 05:16:39 · 10 answers · asked by baby 2

a man use to trevil all arround the country through his cammels once he reached a river he had to cross it to get going
the only way that he could cross that river was by a boat unfortunatly for him there was only a single boat waiting so he decided to trevel through it with all his cammels on the board as all cammels climed the boat
the boat got that much filled as if a leaf more could have sank it
now one of the cammel started to poop on the boat
now the question is what would have happend ?

A. the boat sank
B. stupid man jumped off the boat to save his cammels and died
C. nothing happend(why)

2006-09-29 04:51:05 · 15 answers · asked by Mr Mysterious 1

Sing a song of six ________
A pocket full of _________
Four and twenty __________ _________
___________ in a _________
When the _________ was open
The ______(s) began to __________
Oh what a _________ _________ it is
To set before a _____________

2006-09-29 04:23:17 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 04:20:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want the confederate flag down
Let's move to the city!
That is enough children.
We have too many dogs!
I don't want to go huntin'
I'll take a root beer.
I'll take a root beer.
I'll take a root beer.
Did you get the new Snoop Doggy Dogg CD yet?
I wish Hank Williams Jr. and George Jones would quit drinkin'.
I'm too drunk to go huntin'.
I'm tired of beer
My CB antenna is too high
Go outside to spit.
The death sentence?! That's a little harsh don't you think?
Honey your jeans are too tight.
Who is Richard Petty?
I want "Romeo and Juilet" instead of "Hustler."
The Dukes of Hazzard is dumb because the characters are immature.
The color of the General Lee is ugly.
Those tires are too big for my truck
What is a moon pie?

2006-09-29 04:14:20 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-09-29 04:13:55 · 1 answers · asked by ham b 1

please send me jokes please?

2006-09-29 04:08:25 · 8 answers · asked by clarkey 1

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my gut is too big?
I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, we don't need another dog.
Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Checkmate.
She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

2006-09-29 04:06:59 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-09-29 03:58:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every
time I see your mother kiss your cheek!"

2006-09-29 03:55:51 · 15 answers · asked by hlpz76 4

Codes are used often this day and time. With special codes, you could have sent messages during the War, or you could send messages to friends that no one else could read. Below is a coded message the needs to be deciphered. Can you figure it out??

RU BLF TLG GSRH IRTSG GVM KLRMGH

2006-09-29 03:55:46 · 6 answers · asked by missmozee 3

One For The Ladies



A recent study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.


When a woman is ovulating, for example, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.


And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in gasoline and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes, and a chain saw shoved up his as s.

2006-09-29 03:49:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

John went to a pub, noticed a neighbour with a glass and in deep thought. 5 beers down, the neighbour had not sipped from his glass and so, John decides to make a joke out of that.

He goes to the table, picks the glass and drains the content into his stomach. Looking sad, the neighbour grumbles but before he could talk, John offers to buy him 3 beers. the neighbour shakes his head and say:

"That is not the problem, john. This morning, i woke up really late and when i got to work, i got fired. leaving the office after packing my stuff, i go to the parking lot and my car was stolen. I walk home and guess what meets me? my wife making love to the gatekeeper on the sofa. As if that is not enough for one day, you come here and just drink up all my suicide poison!"

2006-09-29 03:49:54 · 14 answers · asked by theKenyan 3

2006-09-29 03:46:23 · 4 answers · asked by jason a 1

God doesn't think he's fred!!

2006-09-29 03:42:23 · 19 answers · asked by Les-Paul 3

2006-09-29 03:42:19 · 19 answers · asked by jason a 1

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m so sure you can hear me thinking. ” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas. “If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..)

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher.”

2006-09-29 03:36:54 · 11 answers · asked by kav 2

2006-09-29 03:36:37 · 10 answers · asked by opjames 4

2006-09-29 03:36:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the farmers market...
a mango cost 10 cents
a plum cost 5 cents
and a banana cost 15 cents

How much does a pineapple cost?
How much does an orange cost?

2006-09-29 03:31:14 · 8 answers · asked by missmozee 3

There once was a King that was very sick and about to meet his maker. He had two sons that he loved both the same and had no favorite. He wanted to leave his fortune and his reign to one of his sons but he had to choose only one. So he thought and he thought, then finally he came up with a solution. He told his sons that they would compete in a race to Mecca by horse and who ever horse got them there “last” would be the winner and heir to his fortune. So the sons set out the next day riding their horses as slow as possible but were getting nowhere in the desert heat. That night they stopped at an inn and told the inn keeper about there endeavor. The inn keeper told them two words and the next day they set out riding as fast as they could. What did the inn keeper say to the two sons?

2006-09-29 03:23:56 · 6 answers · asked by missmozee 3

* Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?


* Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, "Hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?




* Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?


* Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?


* Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?


* Why do toasters always have a setting on them, which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?


* What do people in China call their good plates?

2006-09-29 03:22:48 · 14 answers · asked by Forumaddict 1

2006-09-29 03:19:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 03:15:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-29 03:15:22 · 13 answers · asked by jason a 1

2006-09-29 03:06:06 · 29 answers · asked by Richard O 2

1)Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2)When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3)never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4)When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5)Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6)Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

7)Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

8)Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss off

2006-09-29 03:05:57 · 19 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-09-29 03:00:46 · 15 answers · asked by jason a 1

2006-09-29 02:58:15 · 18 answers · asked by kitten6444 4