2006-09-29 03:19:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
2006-09-29 03:22:16 · answer #1 · answered by Pd 6 · 6⤊ 2⤋
Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.
Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina
Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either
2006-09-29 11:10:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
George Bush is sitting in the oval office when one of his advisors burst in yealing "Mr President have you heard? 5 Brazillian soldiers have been killed on the western border...". He expected a reaction, but was confused when Bush, ashen faced, begins wailing "NOOOOOOO, it can't be true........" then looks up and enquires ".....how many is a brazillian again?"
2006-09-29 04:47:12 · answer #3 · answered by kezls_79 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why did the chicken joke, the answers were so nutty that I couldn't stop laughing.
I was in class and the teacher kept shushing me.
2006-09-29 03:28:39 · answer #4 · answered by tangie1247 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man.
His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else.
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit.
The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man, "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row ... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your Father died. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
http://fartimer.com/archive.shtml
2006-09-29 03:25:36 · answer #5 · answered by angel 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Making Love to a Woman
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
2006-09-29 04:07:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
YES I HAVE A FEW THAT DO THAT TO ME.
AH! LOVELY SNOW!
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and the wife and I took our coffee and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I
did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all of our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again.
I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our
neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff
so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Boy
do I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the nasty
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Blasted snowplow came by
twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of that white mess fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went
and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I
think the jerk is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What? Is she
nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I
think she's lying.
December 24: 6" of snow. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
fingernails. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling
and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
snowplow.
December 25: 20 more inches of the messy slop tonight. Snowed in! The
idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Gee, I hate the snow! Then the
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with
my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's wacky. If I
have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
scream.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why in the world did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above - 0. Still snowed in. That woman is
driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.
January 2: Weatherman says it's the warmest winter they have ever had,
but looks like a cold streak is coming.
January 4: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to this bed?
2006-09-29 03:26:40 · answer #7 · answered by baptism_by_fire_2000 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Yeah. i posted it this morning and got a violation for it..
My Girlfriend wanted me to kiss her where it smells, so i took her to Grimsby
2006-09-29 03:23:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes, but I don't remember it.
2006-09-29 03:21:40 · answer #9 · answered by ☺Smiley☺ 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
yes, yes I have
2006-09-29 03:30:52 · answer #10 · answered by markhatter 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋