Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-28 17:36:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thought this was cute:

A pregnant lady named her children: Dominique, Regis, Michelle, Fawn, Sophie and Lara. What will she name her next child: Abby, Jessica, Tilly or Roxy?

2006-09-28 17:28:51 · 14 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

If you know any please let me knwo right away. Thank you for helping me. ^_^

2006-09-28 16:49:48 · 5 answers · asked by Michael M 1

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

2006-09-28 16:41:16 · 17 answers · asked by sunshine 2

2006-09-28 16:39:08 · 32 answers · asked by katsushiro 2

2006-09-28 16:37:31 · 12 answers · asked by katsushiro 2

2006-09-28 16:36:37 · 22 answers · asked by katsushiro 2

I thought this was a good riddle.....

There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time

2006-09-28 16:36:20 · 4 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

2006-09-28 16:36:06 · 9 answers · asked by katsushiro 2

2006-09-28 16:29:43 · 13 answers · asked by IVAN G 1

Mc Donalds Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

2006-09-28 16:17:21 · 27 answers · asked by sunshine 2

2006-09-28 16:17:18 · 37 answers · asked by IVAN G 1

cause they're two lines long.

2006-09-28 16:12:56 · 12 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

A man wanted to enter a club one night, one of the hottest in town but did not know the password that was required to get in. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

Why??

2006-09-28 16:10:31 · 7 answers · asked by missmozee 3

how many times does it say "five dollars" on a five dollar bill?

best answers gets 10 points

2006-09-28 15:59:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-28 15:57:59 · 16 answers · asked by crystal lee 5

I've heard 'Stoppenzie Floppenzie' and 'tzwei titzen pullens' any other good ones?

2006-09-28 15:53:42 · 11 answers · asked by schlepp 2

there was this magical mirror to which if you told it one truth it would grant you any wish. if not the mirror would vaporize you. a brunet walk up to it and said: "i've been thinking, i'm the most beautiful woman in the world!" --'poof!'-- the mirror vaporized her. later a redhead walked up to it and said: "i've been thinking, i'm the most beautiful woman in the world!" --'poof!'-- she is also vaporized. then a blonde walks up to it and says: "i've been thinking...." ---'poof!---........

2006-09-28 15:53:03 · 10 answers · asked by jqdsilva 3

two vampire bats are hanging in a tree just before dawn, when one says to the other, 'did you hear that? my belly just rumbled. I’ve gotta get some food.' his pal tells him that it is far too dangerous as the sun will be up soon, but he promises to be quick, and takes off
within a minute, he’s back on the branch, blood dripping from his mouth
'that was quick, where did you go?' asks his pal in astonishment
'well see that tree over there?'
'yeah.'
well I didn’t.'

2006-09-28 15:52:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm blonde and I think most dumb blonde jokes are very funny! I just don't take them personally.

2006-09-28 15:48:56 · 19 answers · asked by Margie 2

Marys mother had 2 sons, a daughter, and an odd infatuation with money. She loved money so much in fact that she had a habbit of naming her children after money. Her first born son was named Diamond, after a dime. Her second son was named nick, after the nickel. What do you think she named her 3rd child, and only daughter?

2006-09-28 15:48:17 · 16 answers · asked by iswd1 5

a blonde was suffering from constipation, so her doctor prescribed suppositories. a week later she went back to the doctor, still suffering the same problem. 'have you been taking them regularly? asked the doctor
'what do you think I’ve been doing,' replied the blonde. shoving them up my butt?'

2006-09-28 15:41:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck named Bubba on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke! !" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

Bubba jumped up and yelled, "Don't you touch me...I'm drawin' disability!!!"

2006-09-28 15:36:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

08 degrees 33 minutes north
01 degrees 39 minutes west

And i got it while i was killing a guard in the ardougne market

2006-09-28 15:34:03 · 1 answers · asked by Wind Chime 4

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Arkansas recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"


"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Yeah . Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"


The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The redneck said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the redneck.

(We in Arkansas may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as some government employees.)

2006-09-28 15:30:31 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

HOW TO HUNT
by Dick Cheney

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: A Travel Guide

A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

BRIDGE TRAVEL
by Ted Kennedy

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

2006-09-28 15:27:24 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

..."The check's in your mouth" and "I won't come in the mail"

2006-09-28 15:27:20 · 4 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

two blondes were walking along the railroad one morning after spending all night at a nightclub. 'wow, these stairs are killing me,; said the first blonde. the second blonde groaned back. 'the stairs don’t bother me as much as the low handrail.'

2006-09-28 15:27:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

diamonds are a girls best friend
dogs are a mans best friend
so which is the dumber sex?

2006-09-28 15:18:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-28 15:15:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous