Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Starting last year, Grandpa Leroy Johnson started receiving a $500.00 check in the mail every month and naturally, he just cashed them.

He thought nothing about it, but as it turned out an insurance company had made a mistake with the address and sent them to the wrong location.

The checks were actually intended for another Leroy Johnson, and so, as one might expect, Grandpa received notice to pay back the $6,000.00.

Seriously upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant, about the notice.

His grandson asked, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa said, "Nope, I jist figgered the Democrats wuz back in office."

2006-09-28 15:14:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

She wanted to know what it was like to be invisible. : )

2006-09-28 15:12:14 · 21 answers · asked by Margie 2

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at

Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@ home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."

Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"

Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."

Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"

Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State

Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"

2006-09-28 15:11:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

three unemployed blondes were out shopping one day when they found an oil lamp in a antique store. together they began rubbing it and miraculously, a genie appeared. 'I will grant you all as much intelligence as you desire,' said the genie. 'wow,' said the first blonde. I’d like to be ten times smarter than I am now,' and in a flash the genie granted her the wish. the next day the blonde got a job as a teacher. 'hmmm,' said the second blonde
I’d like to be twenty times smarter.'
'your wish is my command,' said the genie, as he blinked his eyes and granted her the wish
the next day she found a job as a nuclear physicist. 'well,' said the third blonde. 'I like things the way they are. I don’t have to go to a job and think all the time...if anything I’d rather be ten times dumber!'
'allright,' said the genie, and granted her wish
the next day she woke up and found she was a man

2006-09-28 15:06:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-28 15:05:34 · 9 answers · asked by gizbit76 2

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

2006-09-28 14:51:33 · 19 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window

2006-09-28 14:47:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Imagine that you are recentley kidnaped and you are put in a room completley made out of steel (the walls, cieling, and floor). The only thing you have is a operating phone. You call for pizza, and ask them to hand deliver the pizza to you. You get the delivery, and you eat the pizza. But, the only question is how does it taste. Hint: There are no doors or windows.

2006-09-28 14:43:29 · 21 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

2006-09-28 14:34:45 · 18 answers · asked by Randomgal 2

What did the ghost shake at the party?
Her boOoOo-ty
Who was the ghosts favorite former UN Secretary General?
BoOoOo-trous BoOoOo-trous Ghali

What disease frightens ghosts the most?
BoOoOo-bonic Plague

What do ghosts use to make beef or chicken broth?
BoOoOo-llion cubes

What sound do crying ghosts make?
BoOoOo-hoo

What was the ghosts favorite TV show?
BoOoOo-ffy the Vampire Slayer

Who was the ghosts favorite conservative intellectual?
William F. BoOoOo-ckley

What’s the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts?
BoOoOo-bies

Who was the ghost's favorite crooner?
Pat BoOoOo-ne

What sound do ghost bombs make?
BoOoOo-m

2006-09-28 14:34:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

and I thought blondes were dumb

2006-09-28 14:28:25 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

would you consider yourself a master baiter?

2006-09-28 14:26:33 · 4 answers · asked by guitar_lady81 4

I Rode But Yet I Walked

2006-09-28 14:08:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is the title of a 1964 hitchcock film and it rymes with barny!!!

2006-09-28 13:54:26 · 15 answers · asked by volleyballMVP 2

She paid for a meal then sneaked out without eating it.

2006-09-28 13:54:14 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a friend of mine and it would be really funny to see some crazy answers. Of course, my answer is the best!!
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AnMuiH9NTREU_Ts2w3.ELqvsy6IX?qid=20060928110623AAFY3i2

2006-09-28 13:52:33 · 6 answers · asked by Melissa C 5

when you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for three weeks whining

2006-09-28 13:37:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-28 13:32:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This man says to his wife , you want have sex ? his wife says no! So the man went back to his wife and said, do you want have sex? She said, no! He said, is that your final answer ? She said yes! he said , okay I'll phone a friend!

2006-09-28 13:17:47 · 11 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

2006-09-28 13:07:55 · 20 answers · asked by MS.KNOW IT ALL 3

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your butt."

2006-09-28 12:57:35 · 22 answers · asked by bugguy 2

Me and my friend are at school bored out of our brains and we would like to have a laugh so please send me the best joke/jokes you know..... ta

2006-09-28 12:48:29 · 7 answers · asked by Mel B 1

you need to gag someone. the guy you need to gag is weraing socks but feet and toes and soles stink what do you do

2006-09-28 12:34:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

anyone got any??

2006-09-28 12:33:53 · 10 answers · asked by Tigers Gal! 4

One day a man and his wife went to play golf. The man told his wife to be careful because there were alot of very expensive mansions surrounding the golf course. She dais " don't worry honey I will". Next thing yiou know the wifes golf ball goes through one of the masions woindows. So the husband and wife go to the mansion to see what the damage is. They knock on the door and no answers, so they knock again. The man tries the door and it's open. So they walk in. Down the stair comes a firgure, turns out to be a genie. The genie says, " thank you so much, I've been trapped here for years.. I'll grant you three wishes, anything you want, BUT you have to grant me one first!
The man says sure. What'd you want. The genie replies " I've been here for years and miss the company of a women. Allow me to sleep with your wife.
The man thinking this is imposible because he is a genie says sure.
The next morning he goes back and finds his wife in bed with the genie and a HUGE smile on her face.

2006-09-28 12:26:26 · 12 answers · asked by ♥♥Soon to Be Mrs.F♥♥ 6

Why is it that the second some one.. no no wait.. A WOMEN posts a "JOKE" about men, some men in here react by saying the person is a sexist???!!!!!

I don't get it?!? There are hundreds of jokes about dumb blondes (all women) and about women but you'll find most of us laughing along... just go to the link and see how some of the guys reacted! Im not saying all men, i just find it funny how some take it so seriously!! ITS A JOKE GUYS!! GEEEEEESS LAUGH A LITTLE!! hahahahaha
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AthPdIzNZtydHoMJ25dVUebzy6IX?qid=20060928155734AAElRci

2006-09-28 12:25:46 · 10 answers · asked by **ELLE** 3

One day a man and his wife went to play golf. The man told his wife to be careful because there were alot of very expensive mansions surrounding the golf course. She dais " don't worry honey I will". Next thing yiou know the wifes golf ball goes through one of the masions woindows. So the husband and wife go to the mansion to see what the damage is. They knock on the door and no answers, so they knock again. The man tries the door and it's open. So they walk in. Down the stair comes a firgure, turns out to be a genie. The genie says, " thank you so much, I've been trapped here for years.. I'll grant you three wishes, anything you want, BUT you have to grant me one first!
The man says sure. What'd you want. The genie replies " I've been here for years and miss the company of a women. Allow me to sleep with your wife.
The man thinking this is imposible because he is a genie says sure.
Cont... in Details!

2006-09-28 12:13:04 · 4 answers · asked by ♥♥Soon to Be Mrs.F♥♥ 6

2006-09-28 12:11:50 · 13 answers · asked by Neurosurgeon Freak 2

someone give me a good joke.

2006-09-28 12:01:00 · 15 answers · asked by Emo Chick 1

artificial intelligence

three blondes find a magic lamp, when the genie came out he said they could each have one wish. the first blonde sais I dont like being dumb, i wanna be smart POOF - shes a brunette. the second blonde sais " i like being stupid, but maybe I'd like a be a little smarter" POOF - she turns into a red head. the third blonde sais I like being dumb, in fact, I'd like to be dumber POOF - shes a man

2006-09-28 11:57:34 · 36 answers · asked by sweetestrose1983 2