Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

I would really like to have a go at acting or, possibly accountancy( I may even go on a course soon for the accountancy).....

2006-08-31 23:58:00 · 19 answers · asked by Happy. 3

A painter was contracted to paint his local church.
He thought to himself"hmm these churchies are an easy touch, I'll just water down my paint by 1/2 and double my profit."
Just as he was finishing his last brush stroke, a huge thunderstorm built up out of nowhere and the torrential rain washed all the paint off.
Then he heard a loud voice boom from the sky.
"REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE."

2006-08-31 23:09:53 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Experienced people plz tell me is it true?

2006-08-31 23:04:23 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hi everyone, Surdy is back from his holidays in Burgau in Portugal and I think you guys need some smiles. I will put a few in the jokes & riddles section today to see if I can start off your weekend in a good way. Meantime, here is my thought for today :-
Never hold your farts in.
They travel up your spine, into your brain and,
that is how shitty ideas are are formed.

What is your thought for today --- funnies only please

2006-08-31 23:03:58 · 14 answers · asked by surdy 2

2006-08-31 23:03:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Aunt Eater

2006-08-31 23:02:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 22:58:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it good or bad??

2006-08-31 22:57:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?"

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?"

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."



he he

2006-08-31 22:52:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.bofunk.com/video/629/mj;s_favorite_things.html

watch the video its funny!! It's hard to explain just watch it!! Turn up your volume!!

2006-08-31 22:51:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 22:51:03 · 13 answers · asked by Khajapeer s 1

Here on earth it is true, yesterday is always before today; but there is a place where yesterday always follows today. Where?

2006-08-31 22:29:57 · 16 answers · asked by blazer_damn 2

what happen to bald guy if they experience hair-raising situation??.

2006-08-31 22:28:29 · 19 answers · asked by The Inquisitive 3

think of the infinite possibilities....

2006-08-31 22:22:51 · 8 answers · asked by Lard Cherrybakins 4

2006-08-31 22:21:24 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mario and Maria end up in the divorce court. the Judge extremely surprised at an Italian divorce. He calls on Maria, "Maria, why do you want a divorce?" Wella Judge, itsa lika,Mario is a very dirtya man, he always pick hissa nose, and alas a judge, he never a let me on a top.
The Judge then calls Mario, "Mario the things Maria says are pretty important, so what have you got to say for yourself?"
"Well itsa lika this ajudge, when I was a little my poppa he say to me, now we have emigrated to a beautifula country you must make sure that you get on with da peoples, you musta alwaysa keepa your nosa clean and never fu*k up."

2006-08-31 22:11:03 · 21 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-08-31 21:59:38 · 12 answers · asked by veerabhadrasarma m 7

2006-08-31 21:52:08 · 4 answers · asked by juan a 1

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried again, and
this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this
very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs.

2006-08-31 21:50:39 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text
of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come
running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be
CELEBRATE

2006-08-31 21:43:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://deathball.net/notpron/

2006-08-31 21:24:45 · 5 answers · asked by iluvsk8erz_21 1

what is the funniest nickname you can think about ???

2006-08-31 21:24:29 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Over hills and valleys do I wing,
Searching for the vilest things,
And when I find them I will stride,
To cast the vile things aside.

The irony that you must see
Is that the one who commands me
Is the one who put them there
Now he wants them to disappear.

You say there's too much metaphor,
And that your brain is getting sore?
Here's one last hint for you(if not too late).
The hills are metaphor times eight.

What am I?

2006-08-31 21:15:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 21:08:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am the beginning of sorrow, and the end of sickness. You cannot express happiness without me, yet I am in the midst of crosses. I am always in risk, yet never in danger. You may find me in the sun,
but I am never out of darkness

2006-08-31 20:56:49 · 10 answers · asked by iluvsk8erz_21 1

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that
noise?"

"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME!!!"

2006-08-31 20:47:13 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

2006-08-31 20:41:06 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man dies and goes to hell.

At the gate, a devil greets him..
Welcome to hell, he says.

The man asks" if this is hell, what goes on
around here?"

Devil: Do you like gambling?

Man: Yeah, i love to gamble.

Devil: Then you'll love it on Mondays, all the
gambling you want and you'll never lose.

Man: What about Tuesday?

Devil: Do you like to smoke?

Man: Love it!!!

Devil: Well on Tuesday we smoke Cuban cigars
the size of baseball bats, cigarettes, anything
you can smoke.. And you never have to worry
about cancer. you're already dead.
Do you like to drink?

Man: Let me guess..

Devil: Yep...Wednesday is All you can drink..
you'll never get sick..no hangovers,
you'll never puke just pure drunk!
Do you like drugs?

Man: I sure do..

Devil: Thursdays your night.. all the acid,
weed, coke, pcp, anything you want. you'll
never O.D.

Devil: Fridays we sleep to rest up for the
weekend....

Man: Why?

Devil: Well, are you gay or straight?

Man: *with big smile* Straight...

Devil: Ooooh.... you're really gonna HATE
the weekends!!!

2006-08-31 20:36:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)




HOW MANY ?














































WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.








The brain cannot process "OF".




Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!



Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.




Three is normal, four is quite rare.




































Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!

2006-08-31 20:31:17 · 22 answers · asked by miss simple 2

Bob says to his friend Bill, "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week." "Why is that?" Bill asks. Bob replies, "I've been screwing his wife."

muahahahahahahahahahaha....like it?

2006-08-31 20:21:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous