Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

2006-08-31 16:29:05 · 17 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

i knew a muslim
his name was jim,
somebody threw a tomato at him,
tomatoes are soft,
they dont hurt skin,
this one did,
it was still in the tin!!!

2006-08-31 16:22:35 · 15 answers · asked by david_c1980 1

2006-08-31 16:19:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What word is plural and mausculine, but when you add an s to the end it turns singular and feminine?

2006-08-31 15:54:26 · 7 answers · asked by johnny swanberg 2

2006-08-31 15:52:52 · 7 answers · asked by True Blood 2

2006-08-31 15:50:55 · 7 answers · asked by True Blood 2

2006-08-31 15:36:02 · 3 answers · asked by Blue POOP 1

2006-08-31 15:30:33 · 59 answers · asked by JUNE L 3

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

2006-08-31 15:30:07 · 15 answers · asked by Woody 3

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

2006-08-31 15:27:42 · 17 answers · asked by Woody 3

"Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is an eternal rule" ~explain the significance of this quote
i know u might have to think a little but u can probably get 10 points

2006-08-31 15:26:31 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 15:22:34 · 33 answers · asked by ? 6

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

2006-08-31 15:18:20 · 14 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Al Gore, Vice President
And
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Al Gore, VP

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

2006-08-31 15:17:32 · 11 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

2006-08-31 15:16:45 · 12 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

2006-08-31 15:16:40 · 10 answers · asked by ? 6

A gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his a-s-s of.

"Why is it so damn cold down here? "Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

2006-08-31 15:15:04 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy people?"

"No," I said, "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 90?"

2006-08-31 15:04:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept in Daryl's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Whoa, bad night?
You look awful!"

He said, "Geez, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Wow, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

2006-08-31 14:57:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

2006-08-31 14:55:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

2006-08-31 14:45:19 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you're over 40, it's smart to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Remember: always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Ready?

OK, then scroll down:
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Continue Scrolling Down
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A Little Farther...
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Now: scroll up.

That's enough for the first day. Great job!

When finished, break for a beer.

2006-08-31 14:43:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am the center of gravity, hold a capital situation in Vienna, and as I am foremost in every victory, am allowed by all to be invaluable. Though I am invisible, I am clearly seen in the midst of a river. I could name three who are in love with me and have three associates in vice. It is vain that you seek me for I have long been in heaven yet even now lie embalmed in the grave. What am I?

2006-08-31 14:40:16 · 10 answers · asked by Lola 3

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, his wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this."


The man steps up and watches as she puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She then puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

"So," she says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what have you learned from this experiment?"

"Plenty!" he says, which brightens her considerably.

"Really, darling?" she says, almost melting.

"You bet," he responds. "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

2006-08-31 14:39:37 · 14 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

...well?...answer it! ^_^

2006-08-31 14:39:00 · 35 answers · asked by WW2 Dude 2

The train is leaving the station. A man yells through an open window to another man, still standing on the platform: "Thank you for a wonderful weekend. And tell your wife she's better in bed than anyone else."

Another passenger then says: "Excuse me, how can you tell someone that his wife is better in bed than any other woman?"

"Well, it isn't true, but Jones is a nice man, and I just wanted to be polite."

2006-08-31 14:38:18 · 12 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I
turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say
a word... he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told
her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To
my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept
thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me." Then I said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. ! Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any! We had
a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only
did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing
so hard!

2006-08-31 14:37:32 · 7 answers · asked by AmandaB 3

2006-08-31 14:37:01 · 4 answers · asked by ANGEL 1

Joe bought a bag of oranges on Monday, and ate a third of them. On Tuesday he ate half of the remaining oranges. On Wednesday he looked in the bag to find he only had two oranges left. How many oranges were originally in the bag?

2006-08-31 14:32:30 · 26 answers · asked by Lola 3

i am very delicate
the moment you say my name, i break
what am i?

2006-08-31 14:28:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous