Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind- shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ***."

The rest is history...

2006-08-31 20:19:20 · 28 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What to you call a dinosaur with piles?



Answer. Mega-saur-***

2006-08-31 20:17:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the greeter. "I just can't believe you got laid twice."


muahahahahahahahaha

2006-08-31 20:16:39 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

he he

2006-08-31 20:14:14 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy in a bar has to goes to the washroom, upon
entering the mens room he notices a man standing
at the urinal with no hands. The man, with no
hands looks over to the guy and says "hey buddy
can ya help me out here" holding up his stumps
"can you please take my penis out of my pants so
I can take a piss"

The other guy feels sorry for him so he does it.
As he takes the penis out of the man's pants he
notices that his dick is covered in green slimy
goo. The guy then quickly rushes to the sink to
wash his hands and he almost makes it out the door
when the man says "hey buddy you aren't going to
leave me here like this are you?"

The guy once again feels sorry for the guy with
no hands, so he does it. Just as he is washing his
hands for the second time, curiosity gets the
better of him and he asks, "what is all that green
slimy **** all over your dick?"

The man with no hands then slides his hands out
from under his sleeves and says, "I don't know ,
that's why I didn't want to touch it."

2006-08-31 20:05:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two deaf people get married. During the 1st week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull mine fifty times."

2006-08-31 20:03:21 · 27 answers · asked by Pd 6

The local zoo's Ape died so they advertised for someone to dress up as him for a week so they could get a replacement. So this broke starts on the following Monday in his ape outfit and starts to stroll all over his cage. After four days he is getting bored and he decides to swing on an old tyre in the middle of the cage. So he takes a run towards it with all the children watching him outside however as he's about to grab the tyre he slips and falls forward, and lands in the lions cage next door. Where he starts to cry "Oh my god, Oh,my god" Where apon the lion say's "Shut it, do you want us to both get sacked"

2006-08-31 20:01:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

This old lady goes into the local taxidermist and tells him that her old cat has died after 12 years and she wants it stuffed.

The taxidermist looks at it and say's " No problems, would you like it mounting"

The old lady say's " Oh no! just sitting on it's backside as normal"

2006-08-31 19:58:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it that you cannot hold even ten minutes, even though it is lighter than a feather???

2006-08-31 19:54:40 · 15 answers · asked by iluvsk8erz_21 1

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says, "I will grant each of you three wishes."

The bear says, "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." *poof* It's done.

The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle." *poof* It's done.

The bear says, "I wish all the bears in this country were females." *poof* It's done.

The rabbit says, "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." *poof* It's done.

The bear is thinking to himself. "Why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female." *poof* It's done.

The rabbit says, "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he rides off on his motorcycle.



muahahahahahahahha.....u like it huh?

2006-08-31 19:50:21 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I came across a man on a bridge. He tipped his hat and drew his cane, in this riddle i told you his name... What was his name?

2006-08-31 19:41:29 · 24 answers · asked by ..... 2

Last time we saw this riddle:

How do you turn ordinary water into holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

How do you make soup into pure gold?

Have fun!

2006-08-31 19:31:29 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A horse is tied to a 15 ft. rope and there is a bail of hay 25 ft. away from him. Yet the horse is able to eat from the bail of hay. How is this possible??

2006-08-31 19:22:36 · 9 answers · asked by iluvsk8erz_21 1

Late one evening, a man and a his wife were driving their car at speed down a country road. The car spun of the road and hit a tree.

The man decided to seek help at a garage a few miles away.

He made sure nobody was in the car, rolled all the windows up, and locked all of the doors.

When he returned, his wife was dead, and there someone in the car he had never seen before.

No physical damage was done to the car, it was still locked?

How did the woman die?

Where did the stranger come from?

2006-08-31 19:04:48 · 26 answers · asked by iluvsk8erz_21 1

who is a funny clean comedian that every age could listen to?

2006-08-31 18:53:30 · 11 answers · asked by Ivan1989 4

Tell me a joke that will make me laugh and you will get 10 points.

2006-08-31 18:22:50 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s.h.i.t."

2006-08-31 18:11:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I want 2 join nidokidos can someone make me a member ? Can someone send me funny clippings on my email ?

My email is -

manobhiraman@yahoo.com

2006-08-31 18:09:19 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 18:06:01 · 5 answers · asked by Aloofly Goofy 6

There's this teacher who asks a question to her 3 students Mark, John and Shawn. Teachers says: " Mark, suppose ur having dinner with your date and sudddenly u really have to go to the toilet, how would you tell this to ur date? Mark replies: 'That's easy, I'd tell her, Excuse me, but I really have to piss!' "No" the teacher replies, that's very rude! John how abut u? John goes: " Pls excuse me but I need to go to the toilet", teacher says, much better but still not very polite. How abut u Shawn? Shawn replies " Excuse me but I have to shake hands with a very good friend of mine whom I hope u'll get to meet tonite!"

2006-08-31 18:00:36 · 29 answers · asked by bchboy_998 1

there was an old lady who lived in a shoe. she had so many kids, she sold them all but two. and the two that was left, they werent very smart, cause all they done, was eat belch and fart. so the little old lady , that lived in the shoe, got tired of all the bullcrap, and sold the other two.

2006-08-31 17:51:27 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

kermit the frogs finger get it ( haha)

2006-08-31 17:49:34 · 7 answers · asked by Maria T 1

2006-08-31 17:43:36 · 19 answers · asked by Zoey 5

The best will get 10 extra points!

2006-08-31 17:24:57 · 17 answers · asked by Hanna 1

All that sperm swimming around and GWB's was the fastest swimmer. **** that is sad!!

2006-08-31 17:23:06 · 8 answers · asked by melhtims 2

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go and choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and are good cooks.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited!

2006-08-31 17:22:00 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I have with

You Might Be a Redneck if

You Ever left a Car on The Side of the Road and you Did NOT go Back to get it! lol

And You Actually Know WHO is Leading The Winston Cup in Points

:-s

2006-08-31 17:18:42 · 10 answers · asked by D B 4

2006-08-31 17:15:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is cute...CUTE...with a capital Q....yea...you know...
its just a story though...so don't expect a punchline or anything...just felt like it...ok? ok...thanx

but yea...on with the story...

once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived. one day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
so all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed. she wanted to preserve the island until the very last possible moment.
when the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was
time to leave. she began looking for someone to ask for help.
just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat.
Love asked, "Richness, can I come with you on your boat?"
Richness answered, "i'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you.

(sry...theres more...it didnt fit....)

2006-08-31 17:10:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 17:08:29 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4