Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-30 18:20:24 · 11 answers · asked by RPS K 1

While Bob waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: "You weigh 195 pounds, you're married, and you're on your way to San Diego." Bob stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and computer read: " You weigh 184 pounds, you're divorced, and you're on your way to Chigaco."
Bob said to the man, " Are you divorced and on your way to Chicago?"
"Yes" came the reply.
Bob was amazed. Then rushed to the men's room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: " You still weigh 195 pounds, you're still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego."

2006-08-30 17:44:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint: think of relationships.

2006-08-30 17:24:52 · 12 answers · asked by Display Name 3

2006-08-30 17:20:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A friend was pointing out the fact that I did something I got mad at my husband for doing, and I said " well you cant stick a finger up your butt without throwing a rock" I dont know why or where that came from.

2006-08-30 17:02:51 · 16 answers · asked by sunistao 3

Three nearly deaf men are sitting on a park bench. The first one says, "Windy, isn't it?" The second replies, "No, I think it's Thursday." To which the last says, "Me too, let's go get some coffee." Think about it...

2006-08-30 16:52:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest..In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree..He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created..So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

2006-08-30 16:52:13 · 23 answers · asked by Ruby 4

my frist name is crystal

2006-08-30 16:47:40 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Schwarzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?

2006-08-30 16:31:35 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science
Exam answers. These are real answers from school kids. Enjoy.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
To drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
Pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
Water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the
Moon, and nature hates a vacuum - I forget where the sun joins in
This fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
Intercontinental.


Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.
Abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
Borax, and the abdominal cavity The brainium contains the brain; the
Borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
The five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

2006-08-30 16:28:06 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

oooh,you're busted!

2006-08-30 16:25:34 · 16 answers · asked by L.T. 4

:-]

2006-08-30 16:24:24 · 8 answers · asked by Thrasymachus 2

remember which section we r in .....

2006-08-30 16:22:43 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

John finds a lamp, rubs it and out comes a genie.

The genie says he will grant John three wishes with one condition: everything he wishes for, his wife will get double. So John says thats fine.

First John wishes for a million pounds, so his wife got 2 million. Then John wished for a ferari and his wife gets 2.

Pausing for a moment, John says "Why dont you scare me half to death?"

2006-08-30 16:17:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Be funny.......LOL

2006-08-30 16:16:47 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

Give me freaking ambiguity or give me something else!

Country wisdom

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness doesn't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal; it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one, if one doesn't eat.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-30 16:14:58 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

knock it off or i'm telling on you!

2006-08-30 16:13:33 · 5 answers · asked by L.T. 4

Lil. Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars, a man sitting opposite watched him finish six of them off.
The man said
"Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you,"
To which Johnny replied
"My Grandad lived to be 105".
"Did he eat lots of chocolate bars at once?" said the Man.
"No," said Johnny "he minded his own XXXX business only

2006-08-30 16:05:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now
I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've
got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in??"



Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

2006-08-30 16:01:42 · 4 answers · asked by Purplgirl 5

3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench and a man in a trench coat came up. He flashed the first lady, she had a stroke, he flashed the second lady and she too had a stroke, and he flashed the 3rd lady but her arm wasn't long enough. I almost lost it not because of the joke but the fact my grandma told me the joke I never heard her say anything like that before it was great. What do you think?

2006-08-30 15:57:03 · 11 answers · asked by melbow35 2

like the little hearts
and the clubs or whatever???

just curious!!
thanks guys!!

2006-08-30 15:55:22 · 9 answers · asked by jaimeblondz 2

I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID

2006-08-30 15:49:15 · 5 answers · asked by CAbmxRacegirl 2

Grows in dampness and darkness,
into the modern shape of total devastation.

2006-08-30 15:44:30 · 18 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

On the top floor of a cheap flat in California a man was doing carving with his best sharp knife. On the middle floor a man was in a bath made of very rusty cheap metal. On the bottom floor a man was having a party. Suddenly the man on the top floor dropped his knife through the floorboards and chopped off a part which was very special to man on the middle floor. The knife with the mans private parts still atached broke the rusty bath and went to the bottom floor.

The 3 men met in a lift and discussed their day. "I had a terrible day " the man on the top floor said "I lost my best knife!"

"I had an even worse day" the man on the middle floor said. " I had to have plastic surgery for some new private parts"

"Sorry you had such bad days" The one on the bottom floor said "But mine was great. We thought all the party food had been eaten, but then I found one more mini-sauasage on a stick!"

2006-08-30 15:44:25 · 40 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-08-30 15:31:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-30 15:22:46 · 12 answers · asked by trxr4kdz 5

first of all, excuse my language. IT'S JUST A JOKE

Little girl :"Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut !"
Mommy:"You mean it's small ?
Little girl :"No, it is salty ........


Lady:"Hello rescue 911 ?? A maniac has broken into my house and he is rap.......ing....meeh rigghht ..... eh. ehh nowww, can youu jussst ahhhhrest himm tomorrowwww mooorning ... ahhhhhh ...... !!!!!!!!!?!


SEX is like NOKIA (connecting people), like NIKE (just do it), Like PEPSI (ask for
more), like SAMSUNG (everyone is invited)


Dualism Theory about BRA.
If you use it, it will thighten 2 things but if you take it off it will harden 1 thing

Why a penis is more practise than a credit card?
1. accepted all over the world
2. automatic refill
3. no due date
4. no authorization
5. no need an autograph after using it.

Have a great day ahead!!

2006-08-30 15:21:02 · 9 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

coin on the ground they are ecstatic and head to the pie shop after a nice warm mince pie each they set off down the lane again whan one tramp starts getting stomach cramps so jumps over the field wall and squats down just as he does he hears this crunchin and growling sound so he quickly pulls his pants up and runs off still needin the loo he jumps over another hedge and squats and asks the other tramp to watch out for him this time so as he trys to unload he hears the horrible noise again so runs off screamin at the other tramp what is it?what was that?the other tramp says calm down you idiot i saw everything he says well what was it then a bear or a bull or maybe a wolf ....tramp 2 says no you daft **** we are that hungry the noise was your **** tryin to eat the bloody grass

2006-08-30 15:19:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey guys can u guys go here http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=13050855&ifid=13050855&indicate=2

and on the big gray box
press mark ddecastro plz????
i really need htis
yea plz press on Mark decastro
noone else

this is a big joke
plz press Mark Decastro

2006-08-30 15:11:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a keen country boy applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store in the area-you could get anything there. the boss asked him, ‘have you ever been a salesman before?'
yes, I was a salesman in the country, ‘said the lad. the boss thought he’d give the boy a chance and said, ‘you can start now. I’ll come by at five o'clock and see how you are doing.'
the day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. the boss arrived and asked, 'how many sales did you make today?'
'one, ‘said the young salesman
'only one?' blurted the boss. 'most of my staff usually make over 30 sales a day. how much was the sales worth?'
"forty one thousand, two hundred and sixty eight dollars, ‘said the young man
'how did you manage that?' asked the flabbergasted boss
'well, ‘said the young salesman, ‘this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boating department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his little hatchback probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new car.’
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, ‘you sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?’
‘no, ’answered the salesman. ‘actually, he came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, “your weekends shot, you may as well go fishing.”

2006-08-30 15:11:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous