Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

2006-10-31 23:54:07 · 31 answers · asked by Miss Juicy Jalebi 2

One I liked recently was how many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"Hey, let's go ride a bike"

2006-10-31 23:40:47 · 12 answers · asked by Barbara 6

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decides to buy her a cellphone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and
explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day
the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how
do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand
though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

2006-10-31 23:38:56 · 16 answers · asked by Electric 7

is that a cabbage under your arm or..............................

2006-10-31 23:04:54 · 37 answers · asked by markhatter 6

Two cannibals sitting round the fire.

The first one says" I don't think much of your Wife"

The other one replies" That’s alright, just eat your chips!"

2006-10-31 23:00:23 · 11 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
very
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I am afraid that I may
offend
you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number one,
you
have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But
when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

2006-10-31 22:48:50 · 39 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

>
> > > >An Irish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
> > > >
> > > >blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
> > > >
> > > >cold."
> > > >
> > > >The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
> > > >
> > > >warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
> > > >
> > > >The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, My
> > > >
> > > >hands are freezing cold."
> > > >
> > > >The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
> > >
> > > >
> > > >warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.
> > > >
> > > >The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
> > > >daughter.
> > > >
> > > >He said, "My ears are cold."
> > > >
> > > >The girl replied "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
> > > >
> > > >warm them up." He did and warmed his ears.
> > > >
> > > >The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he
> > > >
> > > >said, "My penis is frozen solid."
> > > >
> > > >The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
> > > >
> > > >mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
> > > >
> > > >Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
> > > >
> > > >The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
> > > >
> > > >don't they?

2006-10-31 22:38:53 · 16 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

At his mother's funeral, a guy saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life but he didn't know who she was.

Over the next few days the man kept on thinking and thinking about this woman - he was obsessed with her. He really wanted to meet her again and find out who she was.

Then, after a few more days, he shot his sister dead. Why did he do this?

2006-10-31 22:38:49 · 19 answers · asked by don't stop the music ♪ 6

Artery...................................The study of paintings.

>Bacteria...............................Back door to a cafeteria.

>Barium.................................What doctors do when patients die.

>

>Benign.................................What you be after you be eight.

>Caesarean Section............A neighbourhood in Rome .

>Catscan...............................Searching for Kitty.

>Cauterize.............................Made eye contact with her.

>Colic.....................................A sheep dog.

>Coma...................................A punctuation mark.

>Dilate....................................To live long.

>Enema..................................Not a friend.

>Fester...................................Quicker than someone else.

>Fibula....................................A small lie.

>Impotent................................Distinguished, well known.

>Labour pain..........................Getting hurt at work.

>Medical staff.........................A Doctor's cane.

>Morbid...................................A higher offer.

>Nitrates..................................Cheaper than day rates.

>Node......................................I knew it.

>Outpatient..............................A person who has fainted.

>Pelvis.....................................Second cousin to Elvis.

>Post operative......................A letter carrier.

>Recovery room.....................Place to do upholstery.

>Rectum..................................Nearly killed him.

>Secretion...............................Hiding something.

>Seizure...................................Roman emperor.

>Tablet.....................................A small table.

>Terminal illness.....................Getting sick at the airport.

>Tumour...................................One plus one more.

>Urine.......................................Opposite of you're out.

>2x Condoms..........................To be sure, To be sure.

2006-10-31 22:34:31 · 18 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

so there was death of a man in a room. in his house was no evidance of what happened but, a tape. when the police played the tape it had the person who was dead voice saying he had it with the world and he was going kill himself. then there was gunshot and silence. so if he had confessed to suicide, then y was it stil classed as a murder mystery?

2006-10-31 22:31:02 · 19 answers · asked by som1 3

The young couple arrived home from an idyllic honeymoon and took up married life. But within two days the new bride went round to her parent's house in tears.
"Oh mum," she sobbed, "he was so wonderful on holiday, but now we've returned home he keeps using four letter words!"
"Oh you poor darling," smypathised Mum. "What's he saying?"
"Dust, cook, wash, iron...!"

2006-10-31 22:29:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

"Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad"

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES!!!
Love,
Vinnie"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie"

2006-10-31 22:08:28 · 17 answers · asked by wandabeppe 3

Cheerleaders make me sick,
I couldn't possibly dip my wick,
It's eight inches long and six inches thick,
Tut tut...dirty mind,
I was talking about my house-brick,
Hey you let's take a swim,
Slip out of those clothes and come for a ride with Jim,
Does anybody know where I can get hold of a fire-bin?
I want to do some in...cin...erating.

2006-10-31 22:04:21 · 5 answers · asked by tjyf j 1

2006-10-31 22:04:18 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-31 21:48:40 · 7 answers · asked by squid 1

ama chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look
branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the
maff")

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I
fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working propa")

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")
oi oi! - Tradition

2006-10-31 21:43:13 · 15 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

who

2006-10-31 21:41:06 · 7 answers · asked by zack s 2

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the
audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the crowd pierces the silence...







"Well, ******* stop it then!"

2006-10-31 21:39:35 · 23 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

I only have one glove but..................

2006-10-31 21:38:16 · 33 answers · asked by markhatter 6

2006-10-31 21:37:07 · 8 answers · asked by virgodoll 4

spend all weekend in bed having sex,on sunday tom says to jeff " i am going to the shop dont you be w**king while i am gone", when he came back there was *** over the walls and ceiling, tom says " i told you not to w**k while i was out", jeff said "i didnt, i farted"

2006-10-31 21:14:22 · 17 answers · asked by captain jack 4

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a campingtrip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you #!&@#. Someone has stolen our tent."

2006-10-31 21:13:23 · 11 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

a boy had a dream where an angel told him his aunt was going to dies in a car crash. the boy told his dad this and his dad said his aunt wont die for a long time. a couple of days l8er the dad told his family that the boys aunt had dies in a car crash.
the boy has a dream a week later this time the angel said that his dad goanna die. the boy told his father and his father who now believed him went to work and all day was cautious. he almost hit by a car, he fell just inches away from broken glass, and was close to having hammer fall on his head. the dad came home and told his wife, "ive had one of the worst days of my life", the wife replied " u think u had a bad day, wot about me. today the milkman dropped dead on out porch!"

2006-10-31 21:04:57 · 24 answers · asked by som1 3

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"

2006-10-31 21:02:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little boy crying lost in a shopping centre the security guard working there walks over and ask him what’s the matter the six year old blurts out “I HAVE LOST MY MOM” the security guard said its ok don’t cry tell me what’s your mom like and we will fined her the little lad still blubbering butt slightly happier at this prospect said
“cocks and vodka”

2006-10-31 20:57:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle aged man walks into a pharmacy and asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist give him a weird look then said, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might"
*****
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

2006-10-31 20:48:47 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-10-31 20:47:04 · 12 answers · asked by chilli 4

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...

Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So
the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"
he says, there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases
the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The
doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another
and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and
no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly,dat's moch batter, how
moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash £1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman.....
> >
> >Wait for it............)
> >
> >
> >
> >
>>
>>
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >> I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

2006-10-31 20:46:22 · 18 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

2006-10-31 20:44:49 · 11 answers · asked by chilli 4

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"

2006-10-31 20:41:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous