Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas


1.I prefer breasts to legs
2.Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3.Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4.If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5.I've never seen a better spread!
6.I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7.Are you ready for seconds yet?
8.It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9.Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10.Don't play with your meat.
11.Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12.Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13.I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14.You still have a little bit on your chin.
15.How long will it take after you put it in?
16.You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17.Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18.That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19.I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20.Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21.I do like a good stuffing.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

2006-10-31 20:31:19 · 23 answers · asked by Say It Like You Mean It 4

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

2006-10-31 20:30:11 · 14 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A blonde woman was tired of people calling her names and teasing her because of the colour of her hair, so she decided to kill herself. She found some rope and went to the park. She tied one end of the rope to a branch of a tree, climbed the tree and then tied the other end of the rope to her neck.

"Good bye, cruel world," and with that, she slid of the branch.

A couple of hours later, a man was walking in the park, when he noticed a blonde hanging from the tree, but the rope was now round her waiste.

"What are you doing?" the man asked in surprise.

"Im killing myself because the world is an evil place." she said with a tear in her eye.

"Well, isn't the rope supposed to be round your neck if your commiting sucide?" he said.

"Oh yes, but i tried that and couldn't breathe!"

2006-10-31 20:20:48 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened. He heard a looped recording which said: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

2006-10-31 20:17:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man gives blood to his girlfriend and saves her life.

After a while they break up and he asks for the blood back.

She throws a used tampon at him and screams, "I'll pay you monthly, you bastard!"

2006-10-31 20:13:41 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

King of the one-liners. Kid jokes here.
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

2006-10-31 20:10:33 · 14 answers · asked by jazi 5

A funny one. I can't remember the exact words, so I had to reword it a bit. Here goes:

A Chinese man, an English man and a New Yorker were captured by a nomadic tribe in the Amazon forest. They were told that they were to be skinned alive, and their skin to be used in the tribe's new boat. Before the horrific skinning ceremony took
place, each of the men were allowed to choose they way they die. The Chinese man requested some poison, he took the medicine, and uttered his last words "Ah mi tuo fo!". The English man asked to be hung, dieing just as his short prayer finished,
"...Amen.". Then only one man was left. "And you?" the Chief asked the New Yorker. The New Yorker requested a sharp spear, repeatedly stabbed himself all over the body, and said "So much for the new boat, asshole!"

2006-10-31 19:59:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

2006-10-31 19:51:00 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger

ps.. dont take offensive if ya blonde as i am blonde and i thought it was funny

2006-10-31 19:48:45 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat. Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving!
Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.
The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped off the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.
Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid fellow that got in our car while we were pushing."

2006-10-31 19:47:22 · 22 answers · asked by anitha 4

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he s*its in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

.


She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix hi

2006-10-31 19:46:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says - "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning "Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?"
The man says - "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers prints headline "Islamic extremist kills American dog. Connections to terrorist networks are being investigated"

2006-10-31 19:33:07 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

I was one time in the supermarket. I was thinking what gift to buy for my husband then i come to a good idea. I was so happy that i screamed "Yeah! hahaha!" I totally forgot that i was in the supermarket. Everybody around was looking at me anyway i was embarrass but i also find it funny.
What do you think?
So what's yours?

2006-10-31 19:23:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

WIFES PRAYER.
when i lay me down to sleep
i pray for a man whos not a creep
one whos hansome, smart and strong
one whos will* is thick and long
one who'll screw me till ma bodys twitchin in the hall the garden or kitchen.
i pray that this man will love me no end and never attemp to sha* my best friend.
then as i kneel and pray by my bed i look at the wa*nker you sent me instead.

funny eh? another one of ma mams jokes/riddles

2006-10-31 19:08:25 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

....why is two times ten the same as two times eleven?

2006-10-31 19:00:44 · 7 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

i just seen your double, i swear.
i thought it was you i even
shouted your name & whistled but it just carried on scratching its ar*e and eating its banana

i know its not that funny but i thought it was very funny when my mother sent me this via txt mesage

2006-10-31 18:56:58 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did I scare you? Oh well, just answer the question. My roommate is behind me. He's on his computer too.

2006-10-31 18:52:07 · 16 answers · asked by apologetickid 2

my language is not english so i am having a hard time answering this riddle hope you can help me english people:

some one sent me a riddle like this:

"a riddle that will kill your brain: there are only three words in english language that ends in "gry", angry and the other one is hungry. everyone knows what the third word means and what it stands for. everyone uses them everyday and if you listen to me carefully, i've given you the third word. what is it? "---GRY"

2006-10-31 18:23:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a word of 5 letters. People eat me! If you remove my first letter I will be a form of energy! If you remove my first 2 letters I will be needed for living! If you remove my first 3 letters I will be near U! If you remove my first 4 letters I will be a drink for you. Who am I?

2006-10-31 18:20:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is a riddle

2006-10-31 17:53:59 · 15 answers · asked by Jeffrey S 1

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

At what time do you go see the dentist?
A: At tooth-hurty (2:30)!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Is it dangerous to write on an empty stomach?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-31 17:53:16 · 19 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-10-31 17:34:40 · 18 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

i own cows and take good care of them,but there is a man down the road with 14 teen head of cows ,and thy get out about evey night,when thy come down to my place his bull and my bull fight and the next day i have to fix fence , this has been going on for a long time,i have called the law and thy have seen them out and have help me put his cows back on his land, but this is getting old if you no what i mean. some people that live on this road have to fence there yard and put a gate up on there drive ways to keep his cows out of ther yard.these cows have been a pain in the butt .what would you do? it dont seem like the law cares , and im tried of fixing my fence, i would like to shoot his cows but it not cows worng its the owner.he dont even have a fence to keep them in, most of his fence is on the ground.if anyone has been throw this tell me what you did.

2006-10-31 17:32:04 · 7 answers · asked by thekid2064 2

2006-10-31 17:21:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A monkey one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight.
Lots of other monkeys, all free and nibbling on bananas. "Hey," he called. "I'm a monkey from the laboratory and I've just escaped.
Are you wild monkeys?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.


Our friend trotted over to them and started eating the bananas. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild monkeys do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that tree there? It's got papayas growing in it. We eat that as well." The papayas tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "It's fantastic out here in the world" he told them. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild monkeys all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

2006-10-31 17:05:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Every day he
takes the elevator down to the ground floor to go to work. Upon returning from
work, however, he only travels half way up in the lift and walks the rest of the way,
unless it is raining. Why?

2006-10-31 16:39:13 · 8 answers · asked by Raj_Hyderabad 1

They should make one thats an article, and after about thirty seconds of reading the article it pops off at you, that my friends would scare the **** out of everyone

2006-10-31 16:31:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A math teacher calls a student to the front of the classroom to help with a problem.
Teacher: If your father had ten dollars in his wallet, and you asked for five, how much would he have left?

Student: He would have ten dollars!

Teacher: You don't know your math.

Student: You don't know my father.

2006-10-31 16:25:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."

He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going.

"Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

2006-10-31 16:19:54 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

you saw me eating the grass on ur lawn.....would u come pet me, hug me, milk me, or eat me =( ?
(i am a COW!)

2006-10-31 16:15:22 · 19 answers · asked by Moo 4