Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

The love poem.

Arms that open wide,
Eyes that say "I tried",
Lips that stole sweet kisses in the snow,
Flowers in the morgue,
Lights out on the porch,
Alone with but a memory,
My hardened body,
The whipped cream in the fridge,
The love that knows no reason,
The love that has no switch,
You can't turn it on and off,
The waxing of the moon,
The eyes that smile when tears subside and comfort in the gloom.

2006-10-30 22:20:45 · 14 answers · asked by tjyf j 1

honey, will you pose for me???
She says: "But honey, I am not a model .I'm old."
The old man replies :" so what , i am not photographer either."
I read it just now in a newspaper.What do u think?

2006-10-30 22:19:24 · 13 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT ****!NG THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR @RSE!"
The teacher fainted :)

2006-10-30 22:16:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a women *im just gonna call her sarah* has a brother that just recently passed away. At the funeral, Sarah met a guy and they hit it off quick and been dating for a while now. After a few weeks, he left without any notice, no calls, no replies back to her. Sarah then killed her sister... Why?



*if you get this, you got a criminal mind ... thats what I've been told. Just sharing ^_^*

2006-10-30 22:16:28 · 9 answers · asked by eeekkk 3

He is asked to pick his squid from the tank, he decides to pick one that is slimy, green and has a huge hairy lip, the manager takes the squid into the kitchen for culling, Gervais the chef picks up his huge knife to kill the squid when the squid turns to him in a whingeing voice and says, please dont kill me, i dont wanna die, please let me live. Gervais felt guilty that this poor squid had feelings so he calls Hans the washer-upper, Hans lifts the knife and once again in a annoying whingeing voice, the squid whines at him, please dont kill me, im dont wanna die, please let me live, Hans looked at Gervais and said I cant do it, I cant let this poor squid die

The moral of the story being.......

"That Hans That Do Dishes Can Be As Soft As Gervais, with Slimy Green Hairy Lip Squid"

2006-10-30 22:13:27 · 5 answers · asked by Jussy 1

there were 10 fishes swimming.. 6 of them drown... HOw many fishes are swimming now?

and yet another one...

There are 5 birds on the tree... a boy shot 1 bird with his slingshot. How many birds are left?

2006-10-30 22:08:28 · 12 answers · asked by eeekkk 3

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, & the little fellow just can't reach.
After watching the boy's sorry efforts for some time, the priest walks up behind the little fellow and places one hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
"And now what, my little man?"

To which the little guy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"

2006-10-30 22:05:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

my next door neighbour used to call his son EMDEN.

2006-10-30 22:03:11 · 11 answers · asked by ram kiran 1

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

2006-10-30 22:00:47 · 23 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

Two priests were on vacation, being determined to make it a real vacation they bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. (so that they will not b identified clergy).
Well, in the morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in bikini came walking towards them.
As she passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", addressing them individually and passes by. They were both stunned.
Next day, they bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again both were settled in beach chairs after a while, the same topless blonde, wearing a string came toward them and greeted" good morning, Father".
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, but how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela She said

2006-10-30 21:58:22 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

An old man was dying and his wife and family were standing around the bed. He had four tall and handsome blond sons and one small dark-haired boy. In the last few moments of life he beckoned to his wife and whispered, "Patsy, my life is over, please tell me the truth. Is that small lad, that little one, is he mine?"
"Oh yes, with my hand on my heart, I swear he is yours."
At that, the man died peacefully with a smile on his face.
"Phew," said the wife to herself, "thank goodness he didn't ask me about the other four." :)

2006-10-30 21:51:04 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off
at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can
tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every 
Tuesday
night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a 
robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and 
pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict  himself to
anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he
finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.


"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

2006-10-30 21:50:10 · 22 answers · asked by wandabeppe 3

...why did the dude wear a helmet when operating his PC?

2006-10-30 21:46:44 · 5 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

2006-10-30 21:38:39 · 24 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

2006-10-30 21:35:58 · 18 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

The famous question:

"Did the chicken or the egg come first"

And please if you dont mind could you also put down why you feel that way? Thanks.

2006-10-30 21:32:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i stand before fifty roman...
five comes after zero
and if you add eh
you will be the last

What is it?????

2006-10-30 21:29:17 · 4 answers · asked by lazareh 2

i was just sitting on a tree and trying to be a BABy squirrel !!!

2006-10-30 21:28:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge & heavy suitcases when a guy walks up & asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases. "It's 5:45."
Stranger: "That's a nice watch!"
"Yeah, check this out, time zone display for every time zone in the world & the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons & a voice says "The time is eleven 'till six"
. "That's not all" He pushes another button & a map of New York City appears on screen. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,"
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet", says the inventor.
"But check this, it’s got an FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, & impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books.”
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"It's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it, take it or leave it." "
The stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, & peels off the watch
& the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."

2006-10-30 21:20:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What goes ha ha ha bonk?
Father Christmas laughing his head off!!!!

2006-10-30 21:08:41 · 5 answers · asked by Angel 1

A man goes in a pub looking real bad-tempered and orders 2 whiskeys, drinks one and pours the other into his shirt pocket. The barman says, "Excuse me mate, why did you just do that?".
"None of your business you twunt, I've been looking for a fight all day now get me 2 whiskeys." Came the reply.
He does the same, drinks 1 and pours the other into his shirt pocket. Again the barman asks "Why did you do that?"
"I told you it's none of your business, I've been looking for a fight all day and if you poke your nose in again I'll take you outside, now get me 2 more whiskeys."
As predicted, he did the same again. The barman couldn't help himself and said again "Look mate your behaviour's somewhat disturbing, why do you keep doing that?"
The man looked up and said "That's it, I warned you not to poke your nose in my business, get round the bar, get outside and I'm going to give you a proper hiding"
With that a mouse popped out of his shirt pocket and said "Yeah, and bring yer f*cking cat

2006-10-30 20:56:11 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

does anyone know one its for my dad

2006-10-30 20:49:23 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 20:42:03 · 37 answers · asked by TheHangoverKid 1

2006-10-30 19:32:16 · 20 answers · asked by shwet_4u b 1

I have two coins. Together they equal 30 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What two coins do I have?

2006-10-30 19:14:36 · 16 answers · asked by c00kies 5

Complete @*** pirates???? they both love the cock and are happy to smoke all the monkey pole in the continental Unitited STates.............................Deet da Deet!!!

2006-10-30 18:49:07 · 6 answers · asked by x_ducati 2

Two baseball players go duck hunting. One says to the other, "I wonder why we aren't getting any ducks?" The other answers,"I don't think we are throwing the dog high enough..."

2006-10-30 18:32:51 · 13 answers · asked by Mary B 2

Jewish guy walking by the river hears a woman screaming , help help my dogs fallen in an he's drowning , so he dives in gets the dog on the bank gives him the kiss of life an saves the dogs life , oh thank you thank you she says , are you a vet , he says , am i a vet course i'm a vet i just jumped in the river i'm saturated !

2006-10-30 18:26:07 · 32 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Because her husband had a Hollow-weenie.

2006-10-30 18:09:58 · 20 answers · asked by Michael F 3

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why can you get rich by keeping your mouth shut?
A: Because silence is golden! :)

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

At what time do you go see the dentist?

Good luck! :)

2006-10-30 17:47:48 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6