Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

World War III.
The US has succeeded in building a super computer able
to solve any military strategic or tactical problem.
Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine
& instruct a difficult tactical problem into it.
They describe the critical situation to the computer & then
type in the pivotal question:
“ATTACK OR RETREAT?”
The computer hums away for a second & comes up with the answer:
“YES.”
Stupified, the generals look at each other.
???
One general says to another,
“Ask the computer again, it must be confused.”
The general types in:
“YES WHAT?”

The computer takes a little longer this time & the military leaders
put their faces up against the monitor.

The computer responds:

“YES SIR! GENERAL SIR!”

2006-10-30 17:02:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is the road to enlightenment, revised...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just **** off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you' re going to steal your neighbour' s milk, that' s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It' s not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don' t be irreplaceable. If you can' t be replaced, you can' t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you' re unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you' re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you' re a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don' t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don' t have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don' t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don' t get until just after you need it.

2006-10-30 17:01:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up,
and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He replies, "Hold it's nose."

2006-10-30 16:59:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97 percent of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84 percent of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less.

2006-10-30 16:55:05 · 16 answers · asked by matt s 1

plse do not give me old stuff like shaving cream in face and moving their bed and putting their hand in warm water and drawing on them or or painting their nails and giving them a makeover be creative we are in a hotel and limited to all guys a little pain is ok not too much(little pain is bengay on crotch) thanks and again creative

2006-10-30 16:48:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

2006-10-30 16:48:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats the difference between a crush, lust, and love?





Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

2006-10-30 16:43:07 · 8 answers · asked by cwoodwa 1

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?



How are we suposed to find an egg in all of this sh*t?

2006-10-30 16:40:21 · 11 answers · asked by cwoodwa 1

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Gas (at either end) is cool.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

2006-10-30 16:34:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 16:25:38 · 2 answers · asked by honeybee5484 1

Mr.Sanchez leaves his little house at 1:00 PM to go to work. When he gets to work, he enters a 5 feet wide metal detector in a 7 feet wide hall. He goes to the drinking fountain in the end of the room near the metal detector. The metal detector will destroy any metallic objects that enter through it. Yet, somebody goes into the work office and whacks Mr. Sanches with a metal pencil, and he faints. Mr. Sanchez's office is at the other side of the building, and the only door is at the enter area thingy. How could Mr. Sanchez get bopped by the metal pencil if there is a destroying metal detector? and.....did Mr. Sanchez go to the water fountain before his cubicle?...or the cubicle then water fountain? lol....i thought of this from the top of my head...


and...if you give this a thumbs down, i don't really care. I just want a funny answer to anybody i can give 10 points to...

so....

in conclusion, lol who can give the funniest answer to the question? xD

2006-10-30 16:25:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-30 16:22:25 · 11 answers · asked by >>Raj<< 1

Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit.

As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"

"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.

"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.

"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.

Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot **********?"

Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

2006-10-30 16:04:32 · 10 answers · asked by Woody 3

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty.

“Hello,” said the Father, “and how are you Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?”

She replied, “That you did, Father.”

The priest asked, “And are there any little ones yet?”

“No, not yet Father,” said she.

“Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.”

“Thank you, Father.” And away she went.

A few years later they met again. “Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan,” said the Father, “how are you?”

"Oh, very well,” said she.

“And tell me,” he said, “Have you any little ones yet?”

“Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.”

“Now isn't that wonderful,” he said. “And how is your lovely husband?”

“Oh,” she said, “he's gone to Rome to blow out the damn candle!”

2006-10-30 15:59:59 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-30 15:55:56 · 14 answers · asked by Debbie F 1

2006-10-30 15:49:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who would name a monster King Tut?

2006-10-30 15:48:45 · 2 answers · asked by txgirl716 1

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

2006-10-30 15:46:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 15:45:50 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

2006-10-30 15:43:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a BEE born in May......?

2006-10-30 15:40:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not born , but from a Mother's body drawn
I hang until half of me is gone
I sleep in cave until ..I grow old
Then valued for my hardened gold.

2006-10-30 15:30:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 15:29:07 · 5 answers · asked by gatorgirl 1

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-30 15:24:46 · 10 answers · asked by ghettogal12k 2

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97 percent of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84 percent of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less.

2006-10-30 15:19:10 · 15 answers · asked by diamonds_are_love 2

annette.what do u call a man with no arms or legs lyin at the bottom of a hole? doug. what do you call the same man lyin next to a hole ? Dougles. what do u call aman with no arms or legs rolling around in the long grass? Russel

2006-10-30 15:17:23 · 3 answers · asked by mccloy05 2

I will be prforming a pranks on a person that is asleep i need a way to make sure they stay asleep and not wake up we are only 14-15 so no i can't get them drunk or drug them plse help p.s what sleeping pranks can i do besides the usual rude awakening and shaving cream on face and hand in warm water and writing on face pls. oh and

2006-10-30 15:08:35 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 15:01:29 · 4 answers · asked by david b 2

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer

2006-10-30 14:58:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Funnier than ours i seem to laugh more at it more than ours

2006-10-30 14:55:10 · 14 answers · asked by colin050659 6