Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.
He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we ....?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my ti*s and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my thing and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?'"

2006-10-31 05:24:44 · 21 answers · asked by Pd 6

he will lose 60pounds in three days on the program. why not? he thinks. so he aplies and the next day a gorguess girl comes to the door wearing nothing but a pair of trainers. there is a sign round her neck saying if you can catch me you can have me. he runs of the door and after a mile he catches her.
he takes her home that night and has his way with her. he weighs himself the next morning and hes lost 10 pounds.
then a knock came at the door and a sexy as hell blonde wearing nothing but a pair of trainers is stood there with a sign round her neck saying if you can catch me you can have me. and again he chases her and after three miles he catches her. he then takes her home and has his way with her.
he weighs himself and sure enough hes lost 20 pounds.
the next day a knock comes on the door and to the guys surprise there is the ugliest guy imaginable is stood before him wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes. the sign round his neck read "if i catch you i can have you!"

2006-10-31 05:15:20 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 boys form a single line que. A magician shows them the 5 hats that he is having: three of them are Red and two are Blue. He then asks the boys to close their eyes and puts one hat on each one's head at random. The remaining 2 hats are kept hidden. Now the magician asks the boys to open their eyes and asks the last boy: "Without looking at your hat, can you tell me its colour?" The boy keeps guessing for some time and finally says: "No". Then the same question to the boy in the middle also gets a negative answer. At last, the magician asks the first boy in the que: "Can you tell me the colour of your hat without, of course, looking at it or looking back at your friends?" The boy thinks for a while and says: " My hat's colour is red". Yes that was the correct answer. How was it possible?

2006-10-31 05:02:33 · 12 answers · asked by Hobby 5

Riddle of the day:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, scroll down








































* Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round. *

2006-10-31 05:00:52 · 10 answers · asked by Fitty4ex 3

2006-10-31 04:59:26 · 24 answers · asked by lola o 1

Q:How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

2006-10-31 04:53:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-31 04:36:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner', 'Blank Screen Saver', 'East Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!



Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high enough IQ to realize things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box, possibly from miss-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can be thrown away.

Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal. Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.) Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26 different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and Styrofoam packing material.

All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot from the case before using.

Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64 Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.

Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D); attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2) to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live = neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.

Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G') into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key, simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)

If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa) and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.





You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying start:

Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!

Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a drawer.

Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!

Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer. These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.

Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal

Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.

Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead

Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.

Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.

Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to OFF mode and any messages will disappear.

Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat

Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability, or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **

** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.

2006-10-31 04:23:52 · 11 answers · asked by Nose Lobes 2

They took my 10 lb Pumkin and took the candle too why?

2006-10-31 04:19:28 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

but it has no teeth answer?
you don't get best answer unless you get the correct # of trees

2006-10-31 04:19:19 · 8 answers · asked by dms_91 2

2006-10-31 04:14:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time that they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't want to do this and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. After a while she became annoyed, and because she now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: She took a polaroid picture of her, sucking her new boyfriend's penis, while almost naked and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time in college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

2006-10-31 04:13:29 · 14 answers · asked by G 1

3 men were standing in line to get 2 heaven 1 day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, so St. Peter had to tell the 1st 1, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. U c, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment block, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldnt hang on 4 very long, suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

2006-10-31 04:10:27 · 35 answers · asked by Gunner 4 life 2

Here's what happened.. I came into work today (halloween day) all dressed up in my costume and everything. Well I noticed that my chair was missing and there was a different one at my desk. I didn't think anything of it.. I sat down and there was blue INK all over my chair. So it got all over my hands which then in turn got all over my costume so now I look like a giant Smurf. Well my boss put ink all over my co workers chair in an attempt to play a joke on him but he caught on (he's a smart one) and then he switched chairs with me. So I got all the ink.. Now I want to get him back. Please keep i nmind I work in a professional office so please don't suggest anything to extreem. But I definatly want something GOOD. Thanks, Jennie

2006-10-31 04:10:20 · 5 answers · asked by Jennie 1

i wrote this riddle myself this morning

from baking a pie to fixing a wall,
i am the key to the knowledge of all
i have a spine and i have a back,
but a head is something that i lack
What am I?

2006-10-31 04:02:46 · 15 answers · asked by CJ 2

A Christian Sunday School Teacher asked her children to draw a picture to illustrate a story from the Bible. After half an hour she looked over the shoulder of a little boy who had drawn a modern airliner with 4 faces in the windows.

"What's that illustrating" the teacher asked

"That's the flight to Egypt" he replied pointing to the plane

"And who are these people?" the teacher asked pointing to the faces in the window

"Well" replied the little boy "That's Joseph, that's Mary, and that's Jesus"

"and who is the other person?" she asked

"Well" said the little boy "That's Pontious the Pilot!"

2006-10-31 03:43:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-31 03:19:33 · 23 answers · asked by Professor Armitage 7

I asked ..."Can you make me laugh? ..a story, or joke...Im ready to give points!"

Isn't that similar to asking "Do you have a favorite joke?" or "what's your favorite quote?" I was just saying it in a fun way.

whats the deal?

2006-10-31 03:06:06 · 12 answers · asked by Al 2

had one before where hold up to mirror and read someting anyone remember it.

2006-10-31 02:59:21 · 7 answers · asked by good bhoy 2

A NEWSS PAPER!

2006-10-31 02:47:29 · 9 answers · asked by kirstie d 1

your mom is so fat her cerial bowl comes with a life guard!
your moms so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
your mom is so poor she used fruit loops as earrings!
your mom is so poor i went to her house and i saw a lit cigarrtee and put it out and she yelled, " who turned off our heat!"

2006-10-31 02:44:56 · 13 answers · asked by kirstie d 1

2006-10-31 02:42:17 · 6 answers · asked by 13rich02 2

ive used up my daily limit on answer and voting!

2006-10-31 02:36:40 · 23 answers · asked by Just passing the time! 5

2006-10-31 02:35:58 · 16 answers · asked by Matt33098 2

They are called Rebuses..you have to figure out what "phrase" or "sayingg" they represent...here is an example:

Salt- Good Morning Pepper- Hello would be " Season's Greetings"

Here are the ones I cant get"

1) Sun
Old Things

2) THAT .

3) HAY
HAY
HAY
HAY

2006-10-31 02:15:56 · 6 answers · asked by elvisdan77 4

2006-10-31 02:13:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many men does it take to screw in, a light bulb??

Tell me how many and the rational for your answer.
Best and hilarious answer gets the 10 points... : )

Have a great week everyone,,,,, (",)

2006-10-31 02:12:22 · 10 answers · asked by DiL 3

a scabby cat or a battered tuba?

2006-10-31 02:03:30 · 19 answers · asked by markhatter 6

2006-10-31 02:02:47 · 3 answers · asked by markhatter 6

Do you think yahoo should have a special section, just say in jokes & riddles, that is marked adult content? They can set users up into categories of adult (18+) and child (under 18) and for adults they must provide yahoo with some sort of proof, otherwise they are put into the child category, even if they are 70, so they can't view the adult content. I see on this site many people get annoyed when they see a curse word or a racy joke, even if it states right in the title it is an adult joke. Sometimes these people just can't take the joke, other times they claim kids are always in this section. Do you think yahoo should do this so we can lose the censorship and enjoy everyones jokes? And if you don't like adult content, just don't click on the tab. Let me hear your thoughts!

2006-10-31 02:02:19 · 10 answers · asked by Michael D 5