Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-31 09:45:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Write on both sides of the paper turn over

2006-10-31 09:45:25 · 11 answers · asked by ..:: 4NN3 MON D4H HOOPS::.. 2

Forty gypsies arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

St Peter said ''Sorry, we've only got room for 12. You have to decide amongst yourselves who is coming in.''

Five minutes later, St Peter says to God '' They've gone''.

God said '' What, all forty?''

St Peter says '' No , the f***ing gates"

2006-10-31 09:41:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- £50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . "Their sign
pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down
and drove off.

The following day the same police officer was patrolling in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- £50.00."

2006-10-31 09:40:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gifted!

2006-10-31 09:34:57 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-lit dinner for two
Lust: Do I have to buy you dinner first?
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals -- to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: Remember sex? Me either.

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: You smell French perfume
Lust: You smell Brut aftershave
Marriage: You smell evidence that the baby needs changing...

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when she is cold
Lust: I can think of a way to stay warm...
Marriage: Your teenage daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids asking, "Are we there yet?"

2006-10-31 09:33:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila(r). Tequila(r) is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila(r) can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila(r) almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila(r). Tequila(r) may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila(r). However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

2006-10-31 09:31:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a wind tunnel!

2006-10-31 09:31:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man espcapes from a prision one night and makes his way in to a quiet suburb where he breaks in to a couple home who are about to go to bed.. The convict makes his way upstairs to thier bedroom and proceeds to threaten them, Upon seeing the man's wife he leans over toward her,with that he ties up the husband and goes back over to the wife leans over again,then leaves toward the bathroom, While he is gone the husband quickly says to the wife"Honey from the looks of the mans clothes he has just escaped from prision and who knows how long it has been since he has had sex and from the way he was kissing your neck he might want to make love to you , I know your scared but he will kill us if you dont so be brave honey I Love You" "No" says the wife " acutally he wasnt kissing my neck but telling me how cute he thought you where then when he leaned over the second time after he tied you up he asked me where the vasiline was ,I told him it was in bathroom so "Honey be brave " "I love You

2006-10-31 09:30:51 · 10 answers · asked by stargazer 5

whats the difference between posh spice and a kit kat.................... you only get four fingers in a kit kat, sorry posh fans

2006-10-31 09:28:18 · 10 answers · asked by chickenfoot 1

Tony Blair, John Prescott and Jack Straw are on a long flight in Blair Force One.

Straw pulls out a £100 note and says "I'm going to throw this £100 note out and make someone down below happy".

Not wanting to be outdone, Prescott, says, "If that was my £100 note, I would split it into 2 x £50 notes and make two people down below happy".

Of course Blair doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, I would take 100 x £1 notes and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it any longer, comes out and says,

"I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 50 million people happy"!

Note from Asker [Reagan Syndrome] he even forgot - we don't have £1 notes anymore!!

2006-10-31 09:23:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
Those in West Virginia may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they aren't as dumb as most government employees.

2006-10-31 09:22:31 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've sure got old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees and I've got diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, I have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and I've lost all my friends.

But, thank God - I still have my driver's license!

2006-10-31 09:19:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

i would like to buy that t.v. please. The assistant says, sorry, we don`t serve blondes. The blonde storms out, goes home, and dyes her hair black. She returns the next day, points, and says, i would like to buy that t.v. please. The assistant says, sorry, we don`t serve blondes. She says, how do you know i am a blonde? he says, cause that`s a microwave, not a t.v.!

2006-10-31 09:17:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

brunette says "my husband had dandruff so i gave him head and shoulders", blonde says "how do you give shoulders?"

2006-10-31 09:16:01 · 16 answers · asked by mishnbong 6

I will tell you next week.



lmao (sorry, couldnt help myself)

2006-10-31 09:09:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Consumer Survey company was hired by a Mustard Company to find out how many people liked hot mustard and how many like mild. The report the Survey Company revealed is here:

Number of people surveyed: 300
Number of hot mustard users: 234
Number of mild mustard users: 213
Number who use both hot and mild: 144
Number who never used mustard: 0

After the Survey Company completed its report, they were fired and had their check cancelled. Why?

2006-10-31 09:03:27 · 8 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

Little Sally and her mom are walking in the park when they see two birds having sex. "Mommy," little Sally asks,"What are they doing?" Her mother replied, "Making cake, dear."
Later that afternoon, Sally sees her two dogs having sex. "Mommy," she says,"They're making cake!"
"That's right, Sally!"
Later that night, Sally hears moaning and banging from the room next next door where her mother and father were.
The next morning, Sally says, "Mommy! You and Daddy made cake last night!"
"Why Sally, how did you know?" her mother asked.
"Because," Sally said, "I licked the icing off the couch."

2006-10-31 08:48:00 · 14 answers · asked by Sadistic Blues 1

fancy going upstairs to do it? the groom asks. SHUUSH!!, the bride says, these walls are paper thin, and everyone will know what we are doing. She suggests, we will talk in code, like you say to me, have you left the washer door open? They climb into bed, and he says, "have you left the washer door open?" she says "no, i closed it" she turns over, and goes to sleep.
Next morning, the bride awakes feeling very frisky,she nudges her hubby and says, actually, i think i did leave the washer door open, fancy doing some washing?
He replies: No thanks, it was only a small load, so i did it by hand!

2006-10-31 08:43:03 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Enjoy...

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as
one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come
together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together
again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in
public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma
just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."

2006-10-31 08:28:57 · 15 answers · asked by kisme86 3

Blonde girl get's hit with a car as she is crossing the road. In a panic, the driver rushes to her aid.

"Are you ok?", he asks.

"No, everythings a blur, I can't see a thing!"

The driver leans over her to test her eyesight, and says, "How many fingers have I got up??"

"OH JESUS, I'M PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN!!!"





please don't tell me you never got it...please think about it for a minute.............fingers below waist c'mon think about it...

2006-10-31 08:28:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

which came first... the chicken??... or the egg??...

2006-10-31 08:26:08 · 28 answers · asked by iCaRRieDaWaTeRMeLoN 1

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."


"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

2006-10-31 08:25:02 · 16 answers · asked by neha 3

There is an island with two tribes. One tribe will always tell the truth, the other will always lie. You come to a Y in the road and find a tribesman standing there. You do not know what tribe he is from and he tells you that you may only ask him one question. You need to get to the airport. On of the roads will take you there, the other will surely result in grave danger. What one question do you ask to find the way?

2006-10-31 08:21:05 · 14 answers · asked by acaballr 1

she says, we learned how to count today mummy, all the others got to 5, i got to 10, is it cause i`m blonde?
Mother: yes dear.
The next day, she says, today mummy, we learned the alphabet, all the others got to E, i got to S, is it cause i`m blonde?
Mother: yes dear.
The next day,she says we talked about breasts today, all the others are flat chested, i am 36DD, is it cause i`m blonde?
Mother: No dear, it`s cause your`e 25.

2006-10-31 08:18:20 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

So he knows which end to wipe.

2006-10-31 08:05:49 · 21 answers · asked by travelgirl 2

What would they say about you (their user)?

What would they think of you?

What would they think of other icons?

C'mon, let's make this funny.

2006-10-31 08:03:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

the teacher notices he is squirming around and itching a lot, so she goes to speak with him, and he whispers, he has recently been cirumcised. The teacher tells him to go to the principles office, to call his mum, and ask her what to do about it. He returns to class, and 5 mins later, there is a lot of noise and commotion coming from the back, so the teacher goes over, and the little boy is sat with his dick hanging out. The teacher says, "what are you doing? i thought i told you to ring your mum?" he replies, "i did, and she said, if you can stick it out till lunchtime, i`ll come pick you up"

2006-10-31 07:57:40 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 history teachers sitting talking in a nudist camp. " tell me, asks 1st, have you read marx?" " yes, replies 2nd, i think its from these wicker chairs.

2006-10-31 07:56:05 · 15 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

a man walks into a show shop and asks for an expensive pair of shoes, the server brings out a pair of red leather shoes priced £35,
the man dismisses them and asks for a more expensive pair, the server returns with a pair of green crocodile skin shoes priced £90,
the man dismisses them and asks for a more expensive pair, the server returns with a pair of genuine kangaroo skin shoes priced £250. the man looks long and hard before asking "havent you anything more expensive", so the server returns with the ultimate pair of shoes, these shoes are pure white human skin, they form like an invisable layer on your feet, and are the most comfortable shoes ever and a snip at just £2500, the man looked impress but pondered then he asked " do you have any other colours?" "yes" said the server "we have them in black for £1.99"

2006-10-31 07:55:59 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3