Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I asked him if he fell. He replied no Im trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket you f'n clown.

Do you think he was sarcastic and funny or serious?

2006-10-31 01:57:57 · 9 answers · asked by SunGod 4

2006-10-31 01:56:21 · 3 answers · asked by Pipo 1

It played in the elastic band.

2006-10-31 01:54:11 · 8 answers · asked by SunGod 4

Okie, people, here's the big question:



Are you male or female?



To find the answer, look down ...


...


...


...


...


...


...


...


Not here, stu pid!

2006-10-31 01:45:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old woman from Capri?
Who was crossed with a Chimpanzee
The results were quite horrid
Big t*ts and no forehead
Blue balls and a prick on each knee.

2006-10-31 01:39:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-31 01:25:52 · 27 answers · asked by arthur b 1

2006-10-31 01:24:24 · 8 answers · asked by momiekins 1

anything as stupid as "yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry!" lol

2006-10-31 01:20:20 · 10 answers · asked by [michelle] 2

2006-10-31 01:13:46 · 8 answers · asked by Richard 1

2006-10-31 01:04:30 · 13 answers · asked by ® Espresso ® 4

2006-10-31 00:50:51 · 8 answers · asked by Amber 2

8 things women won't say

2006-10-31 00:48:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

It finally all makes sense... I never looked at it this way before...
MENtal illness,
MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause,
GUYnocologist...and when we have REAL trouble, It's a...
HISterectomy!!!!
Ever notice how womens problems start with MEN???
Send this to all the women you know to brighten up their day!!!!

2006-10-31 00:29:00 · 35 answers · asked by T - C - B 3

Four people decided to emigrate from China to America, ther were two men Chu and Bu and two women Su and Fu.
On arrival in the United States the immigration officer explained that they would have to take american names. As they knew little about american culture except some things gleaned from films and the tv they asked for help in choosing their new names.
The immigration officer said it was easy and after a little thought said
"OK Chu I think that we'll call you Chuck and Bu we'll call you Buck"
At this point the two women decided to go back to China.

2006-10-31 00:23:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The labour party have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom.
As it more accurately reflects the labour goverments politcal stance.
A condom allows for inflation, holts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actully being fucked!!!!

2006-10-31 00:06:45 · 15 answers · asked by T - C - B 3

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

2006-10-30 23:55:29 · 22 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence,
soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

2006-10-30 23:43:06 · 26 answers · asked by Gopinath B 1

2006-10-30 23:34:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

many people are at a loss to respond shen someone says,"you dont know jack schitt".now you can intellectually handle the situation.Jack is the only son of Awe schitt and O.schitt.Awe schitt,a fertilizer magnate,married O.schitt, a peartner of kneedeep & schitt inc. in turn jack schitt married Noe schitt,and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children:Holie schitt,Fulla schitt,Giva schitt,Bull schitt,and the twinsDeep schitt and Dip schitt. against her parents will,Deep schitt married Dumb,a high school dropout. after being married 15 years,jack and noe schitt divorced.Noe schitt later married mr sherlock,and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name.she was known as Noe schitt sherlock.

2006-10-30 23:24:16 · 23 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror!

2006-10-30 23:22:20 · 16 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.

4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When Pat is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask her a mail question. The only reason why she drinks water or smokes at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.


10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on an upcoming software upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all you co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't Be doing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack **** about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on
weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

2006-10-30 23:11:29 · 10 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-10-30 23:08:53 · 13 answers · asked by mary 1

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

2006-10-30 22:56:54 · 11 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

2006-10-30 22:50:01 · 8 answers · asked by bilezlatko 3

There was an old man who lives by himself ever since his son went to jail. The season whenever the chili grew *i forgot* was quickly approaching and it reminded him of his son.


Dear Son,


The season is approaching and I do not have any one to help me dig and plant the chilis.


Love,

Dad


The son wrote back 2 days later


Dear Dad,


Don't dig up anything. I buried a body there.


Love,

Your Son


The next day, a bunch of cops dugged up the whole garden with disappointment that there were no bodies.


The son wrote a letter to his dad the day after that


Dear Dad,



This is the best that I can do.



Love,
Your Son

2006-10-30 22:39:55 · 5 answers · asked by eeekkk 3

Underwear Under Where?!

look under the bed,
look under the christmas tree,
there you'll find a present from me,
crotchless pink panties and a cat o' nine tails,
we will have a great christmas,
i found them i the sales,
so don't be shy- put them on,
don't be shy- it will be fun,
we will have a rollickin' good time,
cos babe your looking fine,
and santa's sack is bulging now i've necked my glass of wine.

2006-10-30 22:34:21 · 7 answers · asked by tjyf j 1

Try this:
Open a word file and type this

=rand(200,90)

And then press enter wait 3-4 seconds and see what happens They say that Microsoft is ready to pay a lot of money for someone who will be able to explain this

2006-10-30 22:31:23 · 13 answers · asked by quay_grl 5

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

2006-10-30 22:30:10 · 14 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT ****!NG THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR @RSE!"
The teacher fainted :)

2006-10-30 22:22:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Choose one of each above. I was just curious.

2006-10-30 22:22:37 · 13 answers · asked by Ali 1