Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
He replied, “ If I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:1)Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.3)There are 12 disciples, not 10 4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C 7)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*it out of him 8)When David was hit by a rock he was knocked off his donkey, not stoned off his *** 9)The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not reffered to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook 10)The cross is not called"The Big T"

2006-10-30 08:53:58 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

AGE: You know you're getting old, when.....
...the end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants
...the four-letter word for something two people can do together in bed is 'Read'
...the names in your little black book are mostly doctors
...when the candles cost more than the cake
...you and your teeth no longer sleep together
...you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a roller coaster
...you can live without sex, but not without glasses
...you have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it
...your back goes out more than you do
...your ears are hairier than your head
...you're asleep, but others worry that you're dead
...you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm
...you sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
...work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work
...the gleam in your eye is the sun hitting your bifocals
...you start having dry dreams and wet farts :)

2006-10-30 08:53:27 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

The barman asks what everyone wants to which the man asks for a pint of lager, the flamingo asks for a Gin and Tonic in a tall glass with ice to which the cat says give me a whisky but i am not fcuking paying for it. The barman bemused asks what the hell is the deal with the flamingo and the cat, to which the man replied i met a deaf genie who granted me 3 wishes so i asked for lots of money, a bird with long legs and a tight p ussy.



I know its lame but i thought it was funny.

2006-10-30 08:48:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

you can find it on the wall of the third stall in the LA county park men's room.









[rimshot]

2006-10-30 08:42:54 · 11 answers · asked by johnny come - lately, esq. 2

A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

2006-10-30 08:39:55 · 57 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Christopher Reeve in a house fire.

2006-10-30 08:35:52 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A a mental hospital

2006-10-30 08:31:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

When your sliding into first and your butts about to burst diarhea, when your sliding into second and your butt just cant take it diarhea......I know there are more words I just cant think of them. Someone help me out here.

2006-10-30 08:29:39 · 3 answers · asked by irishfan46241 4

A female terrorist believed to part of Al-Qaida was today found dead in her bathroom.
Police belive she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong cnut.





Sorry, but you were warned!!!! ;o))

2006-10-30 08:27:37 · 42 answers · asked by jennijan 4

Being an old codger nearing seventy, I sometimes dream of the days when I was thirtyish. I would go clubbing and sit at the bar sipping a martini--I thought it made me look cool--and work on the decision to get up and ask a woman to dance.

Usually my dancing was so bad that I'd decide to let the poor lady escape the dance floor and I would return to the Bar and order another martini.

Now-a-Days, all this reminds me of is a classic novel, and that's the riddle.

2006-10-30 08:21:29 · 9 answers · asked by Terry 7

2006-10-30 08:19:18 · 9 answers · asked by good bhoy 2

a man walks in a pub and asks for a pint and a whisky, he drinks the pint and pours the whisky in his top pocket. the barman is confused. he asks for the same order all night and does the same thing each time. eventually the barman snaps, right ive had enough you must leave your to drunk. hearing this the drunken customer says get outside and ill kick your head in, just then a little mouse pops out of his top pocket and says YEAH AND BRING YOUR F*****G CAT

2006-10-30 08:16:38 · 17 answers · asked by ? 4

A a tourist

2006-10-30 08:15:35 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a young man from devizes whose balls where of different sizes, one was so small it was no good at all, and the other won several prizes

2006-10-30 08:11:22 · 20 answers · asked by will ing 2

a boy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me" the doctor says, "Next!"

2006-10-30 08:10:50 · 19 answers · asked by connie 1

whats easier to build a snow man or a snow woman a snow woman because once you build a snowman you have to scoop all the snow out of his head and use it to make his testicles

2006-10-30 07:57:03 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

two blondes come out of a resturaunt.
one walkes up to her car and realizes that she locked her keys in the car.
she says "oh no how could this day get ne worse??!!"
just then a rain drop hits her in the head.
she says "uhoh we gotta hurry and get the keys out so we can get in and put the top of the convertible up"

2006-10-30 07:50:39 · 17 answers · asked by Kit-E-Kat 1

a man is dead on the side of the road, and a rock is next to him. how did he die?

he was perfectly healthy, and there are no internal, or external injuries.

2006-10-30 07:49:05 · 21 answers · asked by sam 3

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

2006-10-30 07:46:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

and says her fanny is sore.
Doc takes a look, looks to the nurse and says, 'pass the scissors'
After snipping away for a few minutes he says to the dwarf ,'Is that better?'
'Great', she replies, 'What did you do?'
Doc says, 'just snipped the tops off your wellies!!'

2006-10-30 07:46:08 · 17 answers · asked by jennijan 4

clean...or...dirty or just tell me web sites pleze

2006-10-30 07:46:00 · 6 answers · asked by Mikey 3

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

2006-10-30 07:41:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will give you a hint. He's Everywhere!! He's Everywhere!!

2006-10-30 07:39:43 · 10 answers · asked by barrettins 3

2006-10-30 07:36:49 · 13 answers · asked by irishthug 1

A cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

2006-10-30 07:34:23 · 11 answers · asked by Coyote 3

how dare you steal my joke, i'm the only one who finds that fanny anyway,

the joke was a man walk in to a bar ouch

2006-10-30 07:32:13 · 7 answers · asked by destiny 2

A blond woman decided that she was going to take up horse riding. So she gets the horse ready, and gets on him. The horse is trotting along, but after a while he starts to go a little faster. The blonde gets a better grip and continues her ride. But the horse starts going faster and faster and faster. She starts slipping down the side of the horse and is holding on for dear life when she decides to try and throw herself from the horse. Her foot gets caught in the reins and she is being dragged by the horse! Just when she is giving up and about to be unconcious............the Walmart manager comes up and unplugs the horse.




Whew, that was long!

2006-10-30 07:29:39 · 18 answers · asked by me 6

rhyme or limerick..heres one to get u into the swing..

Old miss hubbard went to the cupboard
to get her ol' dog a bone..
she bent over..
oh god...Rover took over..
oh lordy..she got a bone of her own!

or...

mary mary
kinda contrary
trim that pu++y
it's so darn hairy!

2006-10-30 07:27:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 07:27:39 · 8 answers · asked by irishthug 1

just 2 or 3 please

2006-10-30 07:26:41 · 5 answers · asked by somethingfishy 1