Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

a blonde goes into work one day and her boss is standing on a table with his finger in the light socket, she asked him what he was doing when he replied" the area manager is coming today and if i tell him i am a lightbulb he will call me crazy and send me home" she laughed it will never work and sat down, 10 minutes later the area manager came in the room and saw the boss and asked him " what on earth are you doing?" the boss replied "i am a lightbulb" looking amazed the area manager sent him home for being crazy, at that moment the blonde cleaned up her desk and walked to the door. the area manger asked her "and where do you think you are going??" the blonde replied " i am going home as i cant work in the dark"

2006-10-30 04:59:30 · 35 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

2006-10-30 04:58:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde walks into currys and says to the clerk can i buy this television? the clerk says no "why?" she asks. "because youre blonde"he says. she walks out fuming.
Next day she comes in in a brunette wig and asks the same question. again he says "no because youre blonde" she leaves again fuming.
day after that she comes in in a red head wig and says "can i have this television please" the clerk replies "no because youre blonde."
She rips off the wig and says "how do you know im blonde even with the wigs on and why cant i have this t.v because im bloinde!
the clerk says "because thats not a t.v its a microwave"!!

2006-10-30 04:53:39 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

2006-10-30 04:53:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

"That's surely somethin', Willard. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, from two to four years."

2006-10-30 04:53:02 · 10 answers · asked by ? 6

A big hurricane is coming into your town. As you drive out of town with a car packed FULL of provisions, you see three people sitting on a bus stop. One is your sick, dying grandmother. One is your best friend who saved your life. The other is the man/woman of your dreams. You only have room in the car for ONE person. What do you do?

2006-10-30 04:49:05 · 12 answers · asked by Mesie 2

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

2006-10-30 04:48:25 · 25 answers · asked by netwalker01 3

2 blondes sitting in the kitchen and one says to the other " whats your favourite appliance and why" thinking long and hard the other replies" well the washing machine always makes me laugh"
why asked the first one, so the second one chuckling says " well it always takes the piss out of my knickers"

2006-10-30 04:44:21 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

This is very interesting so do it in your head.
Take a number between 2-9
Take that number and multuply it by 9
you will then have a 2 digit number
take those two digits and add them to gether
take that number and minus 5
take that number and coraspond it to the alphabet like A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 E=5.... and so on.
take that letter and think of a country that STARTS with that letter.
take the last letter in that country and think of an animal that starts with that letter.
Then take the last letter in that animal and think of a color.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................o yeh and one last thing there are no orange kangeroos in demark!!!!

2006-10-30 04:34:36 · 27 answers · asked by mr. fancy pants 3

A blonde a brunette and a red head are on the run fromn the police.
they run into an alley and each jump into a different bin.
The policeman rattles each bin to hear whats inside.
he rattles the brunette and she says"Meow" the policeman thinks shes a cat and moves on.
The red head says"woof!" the policeman thinks shes a dog and moves on.
then he rattles the next bin and the blonde says "potatoes"

2006-10-30 04:33:23 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do
the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey!! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

and. THE best one ...

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is
not, in fact, up there?"

2006-10-30 04:33:20 · 10 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

whats got 70 arms, 70 legs and stinks of wee???



the conga line in an old peoples home

2006-10-30 04:29:19 · 12 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A MAN AND HIS SON ARE IN A CAR...THEY HAVE AN ACCIDENT.
THE FATHER DIES AND THE SON IS TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL.
THE DOCTOR AT THE HOSPITAL SAYS:
I CANNOT OPERATE THIS BOY, HE IS MY SON.
HOW CAN THIS BE?

2006-10-30 04:28:39 · 5 answers · asked by Pringuita 3

a blonde woman walks down the road when she hears a little cry for help from a rose bush, she looks inside and sees a fairy trapped, so being a caring woman she reaches inside and frees the fairys wings and gently pulls the fairy from the bush, the fairy was so thankful she gave the blonde 2 wishes, the blonde thought for a minute and said "ok i wish i had a never ending bottle of diet coke" so the fairy granted her wish, the blonde opened the bottle and guzzled down the coke only for it refill,
with a look of amazement the blonde said " wow that is so cool i wish i had another one"

2006-10-30 04:27:10 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Test for Dementia"

"It's that time of year to take our annual 'senior citizen' test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you
lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence.


Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't


Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even
overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.


4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight,
TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is
also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany, or no man's land"?


Answer: You don't bury survivors.


If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said,
"You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.


5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?


Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

2006-10-30 04:24:38 · 18 answers · asked by biggsy 1

a blonde woman gets a job on a building site. on the first day the foreman tells her to go and get a wheelbarrow, 10 minutes later she returns with a wheelbarrow inside another wheelbarrow, the foreman looks confused and says to her " i told you to only get one" when she replied " you didnt think i was going to carry it did you ?"

2006-10-30 04:16:42 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

a one legged man in Riverdance
a one toothed man in a corn-on-the cob eating contest.

see if you can do better

2006-10-30 04:15:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day a boy was writting something on a dog.his father came there.
father:what ru writting on a dog.
boy:my mam told me to write an essay on dog.

2006-10-30 04:15:16 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can't really explain the word explain to anyone. Its HaRd!!! to me...

Just Try...


PS: Does anything ryme with circus?

2006-10-30 04:11:46 · 5 answers · asked by Ms. Me 2

A redhead goes to the doctor and says "Where ever I touch myself it hurts" the doctor asks her to show him so she touches her shoulder and screams, then she touches her thigh and screams even louder the doctor looks at her and says "Your not really a redhead are you?" and she replies "How do you know?" to wich the doctor replies "That's a broken finger"

2006-10-30 04:11:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 04:03:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 03:59:26 · 14 answers · asked by financialadvisors01 1

A blonde redhead and brunette die and they have to climb a stairwell to heaven which has 100 steps. However, the devil will be telling them jokes along the way and if they laugh the devil eats them and they go to hell!
The brunette goes first and makes it top the 37th step.
the red head goes next and makes it to the 69th step.
Now the devil feels sorry for the blonde and so only gives her 1 joke on the first step. The blonde doesnt laugh and goes up the stairwell. she makes it to the 99th step and luaghs.
the devil says "why did you laugh you could have made it top heaven?"
the blonde says "i just got it!"

2006-10-30 03:56:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there is this little boy named jack he had a blackstallion that he rode every day. one day his mom told him that he could not ride the horse untill she got out of the shower. he goes mom please let me ride him ill be really careful. she agrees and so she takes him out side and helps him on the horse. his mom leaves and gets in the shower. a few minutes later jack got tired of riding the horse and he wanted to get off. here is the question would you help Jack off the horse??

2006-10-30 03:55:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

look at the letters on the number keys.

2006-10-30 03:51:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

cos i told a donkey to f@ck off, does that count?

2006-10-30 03:47:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 03:45:38 · 16 answers · asked by morts 1

A blonde is driving along the road in her brand new ferrari sports car. She pulls out on a lorry driver who is less than impressed and makes her pull over. He draws a circle on the ground and tells her not to step out of it. he then proceeds to destroy her car. He rips out the seats and dents the bonet. There is a little smileon her face. He then kicks the windscreen through and rips off the wheels. The blonde is smiling still. Then he takes a baseball bat and goes crazy, the car is completely destroyed by now. He turns and the blonde is laughing. He says " How can you be laughing i desicated your ferrari!!"
The blonde replies " because every time you turned your back i stepped out of the circle!"

2006-10-30 03:41:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ***** is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

2006-10-30 03:39:21 · 7 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

My brother pointed out that if Tess Daly had married John Tickle (from Brainiac) her name would be Tess Tickle (say it out loud..... got it???? ..... no.......say it faster.........now????? Ok)
Does anyone here have a silly name or know of anyone with one.
Just for a laugh.
10 Points to the one that makes me laugh out loud!!!!

2006-10-30 03:17:13 · 46 answers · asked by Emma W 4