Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, & was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, & maybe it would come back to him. He started out with a quote,
"Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.
So he tries to regain his composure, backs up and starts again...
"Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.
So he rears back and shouts again,
"Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the microphone wire and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!
Embarassed, he started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered...
"It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!"

2006-10-30 00:40:38 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A. One's a Goodyear and the other's a great year!

2006-10-30 00:34:05 · 11 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water BOB

2006-10-30 00:33:25 · 14 answers · asked by darren v 2

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

2006-10-30 00:33:05 · 21 answers · asked by p_y_t 2

A preacher is giving a sermon & asks the question
"Where is Jesus today?" to find out the peoples’ opinions.
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in heaven."
Mary called out and answered, "He's in my heart."

A little kid with his parents is waving his hand furiously & blurts out,
"I know! I know! He was at our house all morning!!!"
The whole church got very quiet, everyone looked at the preacher, & waited for a response.
The preacher says, “Why do you think that, my son?”
And little boy says, "Well...this morning, my dad got up,
banged on the bathroom door, and yelled,

”Jesus Christ!!! Are you still in there!?'!"

2006-10-30 00:32:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go.
He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."
"Can i take a shower with you?" he asks.
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess."
So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
So the teacher says, "Okay."
So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?"
The teacher says "No!"
Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."
"Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!"
"Yeah? and that's not my finger either!"
..............................................

2006-10-30 00:24:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 00:04:16 · 10 answers · asked by asuva 1

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

2006-10-30 00:03:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Granny goes to the grocery store for cat food. She picks up three cans & takes them to the check out counter.
The guy at the cash register says, " Sorry, but we can’t sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of older people buy cat food to eat, & the government requires proof that you’re buying cat food for your cat."
With that granny goes home, picks up her cat & brings it to the counter , and the guy sells her the cat food.
The next day, she tries to buy some dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog.
So granny comes back later with her dog, and he sells her dog food.
The next day Granny rushes into the store, grabs the cashier guys’ hand & shoves it up her @ss.
“What the hell lady, you got sh!t all over my hand!!!” shouts the guy.”

Granny:“Yeah, today I’m buying toilet paper”

2006-10-29 23:52:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2. No idea how they get in there though.

2006-10-29 23:50:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mrs. O'Reilly' was walking down the street, and coming the other
way is Father O'Flannagan.
He says, "Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly...and how is Mr. O'Reilly? Isn’t me presided you marriage ceremony 5 years ago?"
She says, "That you did, Father."
The priest "And are there any little ones yet?"
She says, "No, not yet Father."
He says, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
Several years later they meet on the street again, and he
says, "Well, now, Mrs. O'Reilly, have you any little ones yet?"
She says, "Oh, yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles. 10 in all."
The priest says, "Now isn't that wonderful? And how is yourhusband?"
She says, "He's gone to Rome."
The priest , "Rome? What's he gone to Rome for?"
She says, "TO BLOW OUT THAT CANDLE FATHER"

2006-10-29 23:45:26 · 7 answers · asked by Pd 6

yet can b serious and smart when they gotta be

2006-10-29 23:15:46 · 17 answers · asked by jos q 1

2006-10-29 23:14:57 · 2 answers · asked by Skittles 1

1 please write 24 with three equal digits.but none of the digits be 8.
2.IRRESPONSIBILITY is a big word of 16 letters. using all these or any number from 1 to 16 make as many words as you can in any order.(minimum 3 words)

2006-10-29 22:41:59 · 18 answers · asked by mr. x 5

Its loud outside the room, but there are people outside.... But they dont know you are locked inside the room...

2006-10-29 22:36:24 · 35 answers · asked by stardom 2

A woman goes to see her doctor. "I've got a problem," she says. "Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"That's quite natural," replied the doctor. I don't see what the problem is."
The woman replies, "The problem is, it wakes me up."

2006-10-29 22:26:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert,
The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"
to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the
world" and "ask the British for help".
Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening"
To "make another cup of tea".

2006-10-29 22:14:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres three construction guys working on a high rise sitting down for lunch, the first guy is a mexican, he opens up his lunch and says,.. dam! another burrito .!! if i get one more buritto i'm going to jump off the top of this building tomorrow. the next guy was a black guy, opens his lunch and dam chicken again , if i get chicken again tomorrow i'll join you, so the dumb blone white guy opens his, peanut butter & jelly, dam he says if i get one more tomorrow i'll be doing the same. the next day the mex opens his lunch!! dam a burrito, so he jumps. the blavk guy opens his dam! chicken he jumps, the whie guy opens his, dam pb&j he jumps.
the next day at the funeral the wives are crying , and the mex wife says if i only knew he didnt want burritos, the black guys wife crying says ,if i only knew he didn't want chicken i would have never made it. the white guys wife crying, look at them in
amazement and said hell he makes his own sandwiches.

2006-10-29 22:05:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

2006-10-29 21:59:55 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde woman went to a doctor's office because she was feeling very sick. The doctor gave her pills to take and said, "Make sure you read the directions and follow them very carefully."
Woman: "Sure!" And she went home.

Two weeks later, she came back, and didn't feel any better.
The doctor, flabbergasted, looked at her and exclaimed, "What? Didn't you read the instructions on the bottle I gave you?!"
Woman: "Sure did. It said, 'Keep this bottle tightly closed.'"

HAHA.

2006-10-29 21:25:10 · 16 answers · asked by clouds 4

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.

Signed - "The Blonde"

She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in
a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Also
inside the bag was the following note:

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do
this to another."

2006-10-29 21:08:24 · 19 answers · asked by Katy Wald!!! 2

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
How do you know if an elephant is hiding in your refrigerator?
Whats the difference between an elephant and a strawberry?
What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?
Very corny old jokes from my childhood............sorry

2006-10-29 21:01:39 · 5 answers · asked by girl from oz 4

i know loads of bad ones lol.

2006-10-29 20:56:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So he went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher's pay situation.
As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.
"Having children is an act of God!!," he said.
In the back of the room, an elderly man stood up and in his frail voice replied,
"Snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.

2006-10-29 20:54:36 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

Imagine a chess table... Would you like to tell how many squares are there in that table...? I would like to give a short cut... Don't count only white and black squares... Let'S think about it...:)

2006-10-29 20:50:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-29 20:43:19 · 4 answers · asked by ok 4

2006-10-29 20:31:21 · 32 answers · asked by chapers 3

The woman from the village went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replied, "Danged if I know. Go and ask our neighbour's wife: she's a nurse."

The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked he husband.

"Danged if I know." she replies. ''I asked her what a specimen was,
and she told me "piss in a bottle". I told her to go fart in a jug, and then all hell broke loose."

2006-10-29 20:31:03 · 8 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to 5 really important Questions:

Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch. Now, you know everything you need to know

2006-10-29 20:17:12 · 14 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

I once called dominoes and ordered a piza to my high school!

2006-10-29 19:34:11 · 11 answers · asked by taybell1233 1