Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

It’s the end of the month & Petes’ salary has just come through so he decides to go out & spend some of his hard earned cash.
He walks along the busy shopping street & stops in front of a place offering dance lessons & decides to give it a try.
“Hi! My name’s Pete. I’d like some lessons please”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place, My name’s ‘Sheik’…’Sheik Yuboudi’ & I’ll have you dance in no time!” says the Arab instructor.
After the workout, Pete thinks ‘Whoa! Sheik Yuboudi really could ‘shake his body’
Pete carries on down the street & his arms starts to stiffen up so he crosses the street to a clinic for a check up.
“Hi! My name’s Pete. My arms are so stiff doc”
“Well, you’ve come to the right place, My name’s ‘Doctor Ben’…’Ben Jerelbow’ & I’ll have you fixed in no time!
After the session, Pete thinks ‘Whoa! Ben Jerelbow really got my elbows bending again.”
Pete walks out awhile & it starts to rain hard so he takes shelter in the nearest shop.
It turns out that everybody is speaking in Russian & the place looks like a barber shop. All of a sudden, a huge Russian comes out from the back, sticks Pete in the chair & straps him up with leather belts.
Pete thinks “This must be the Russian way. What the heck, I’ll have a little trim”
“Hi! My name’s Pete. I’d like it short & neat please.”
“Vell, you’ve Kom to the right place, my name’s ‘Alcott’… ‘Alcott Yubolzoff”

2006-10-29 19:33:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
>>cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
>>
>> Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking
>>a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and
>>said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.
>>
>> At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady
>>was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to
>>have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,
>>"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing
>>in there at attention?"
>>
>> The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment
>>and said,
>>"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a
>>couple of old duffel bags".

2006-10-29 19:30:41 · 31 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

2006-10-29 19:26:22 · 12 answers · asked by BMW M5 3

wheniputdvdsinnopicturecomesuptheplayerdoesnothingwhy

2006-10-29 19:17:41 · 2 answers · asked by david m 1

2006-10-29 18:48:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

He didn't have the guts...HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

2006-10-29 18:31:20 · 12 answers · asked by Jacks036 5

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.
As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

2006-10-29 18:20:08 · 21 answers · asked by Pd 6

A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, ?Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.?

The father explained, ?No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.?

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, ?Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!?

2006-10-29 17:58:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you tell me?

2006-10-29 17:50:56 · 24 answers · asked by creamy 1

I need help solving this riddle
here it goes
its about two guys in a canoe in a middle of a desert with two paddles. one guy asks the other guy "wheres your paddle" and the other guy responds "sure does"

does anyone know this riddle and what the answer is??

2006-10-29 17:38:07 · 11 answers · asked by Kroog 2

(gets down on one knee) Will you marry me? (Please dont hurt me with joke answers!!!)

2006-10-29 17:30:03 · 13 answers · asked by Ry L 1

2006-10-29 17:21:39 · 18 answers · asked by KK 2

two blokes were in a bar and bloke ones dog eats bloke twos hat
BLOKE TWO; hey mate that was my favourite hat he just chewed up
BLOKE ONE; so i dont give a damn
BLOKE TWO; mate i dont like youre at e tude
BLOKE ONE; wasnt my at e tude
do yas get it (at e tude) (hat he chewed)

2006-10-29 17:14:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

.....and gals:

what did the window say when its glass was broken?

2006-10-29 17:10:41 · 11 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-10-29 17:09:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-29 17:08:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

You see a cracked door in a hotel, you glance inside and you can only see the corner of the bed shaking. What's happening on the bed?

This is something I just made up and it shows something....I'll tell you what it is when I pick a best answer. Can you guess it?

2006-10-29 16:39:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-29 16:28:40 · 23 answers · asked by truckergb2002 1

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

2006-10-29 16:24:57 · 10 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

2006-10-29 16:21:47 · 10 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

2006-10-29 16:19:15 · 7 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

2006-10-29 16:17:40 · 7 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

2006-10-29 16:16:12 · 7 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

2006-10-29 16:14:50 · 6 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

2006-10-29 16:10:52 · 14 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


**OK I DONT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS AND IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY, DOES ANYONE KNOW, IF SO PLEASE HELP ME LOL THANKS**

2006-10-29 15:53:27 · 10 answers · asked by *.:marie:.* 2

2006-10-29 15:47:59 · 6 answers · asked by name 2

A man decided to get into shape. He got up early morning, jogged around the lake, and started doing push ups. A drunk old man returning home came up to him, tapped on his shoulder with his stick and said, "son, if you open your eyes, you will find that your girl is long gone"
**************
All funtions were completed the brides father hands over a note to the son in law, which read
"goods once delivered, shall not be taken back"!!!!
The groom not be left behind instantly writes back,
"Guarantee voids if seal is broken".

2006-10-29 15:45:23 · 8 answers · asked by Pd 6

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?

2006-10-29 15:29:53 · 26 answers · asked by Electric 7

Answer to follow tomorrow!

2006-10-29 15:18:36 · 10 answers · asked by funlady6632@yahoo.com 6