Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-29 11:54:24 · 13 answers · asked by Kat W 1

3 Women, (a brunette, red head, and blonde), Robbed a bank and were on the run from the fuzz, soon they came to a farm with a big red barn on it and they decided to hide out in the barn. The brunette hid in the horse stall, the red head hid in the dog house and the blonde hid in the potato sack. Then the fuzz came to check out the place. The fuzz kicked the horse stall "neigh, neigh" the brunette says. The fuzz went over and kicked the dog house "bark bark" getting the idea. Then the fuzz kicked the potato sack and the blonde says "potato, potato"

2006-10-29 11:28:15 · 20 answers · asked by peace_livy 2

A smart blonde, santa claus, and a pregnant woman are all standing on a curb when a quarter is dropped on the sidewalk in front of them. Which one picks it up?

2006-10-29 11:27:10 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do this. write something on a piece of paper. Keep it to yourself and don't let me see it (LOL! I'm going to see it from the computer?)
anyway, then put the paper on the floor and I can tell you whats on that paper.
when all is done - e-mail me for the answer.

2006-10-29 11:23:03 · 14 answers · asked by helpme1 5

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

2006-10-29 10:38:26 · 21 answers · asked by lil mama 2

yo mama is so ugly she threw a boom a rang and it did'nt come back

2006-10-29 10:25:23 · 23 answers · asked by 777iscool 3

figure that one out

2006-10-29 10:24:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Senior sex

A Florida couple both well into their 80s, go to a sex
Therapist's' office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual
intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed
that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual
advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says:
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment; they have intercourse
with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the
doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask.

Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out
anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house.

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from
Medicare.

2006-10-29 10:10:56 · 27 answers · asked by lil mama 2

Saint Peter answers the phone and it is the Devil wanting to speak to The Lord. Saint Peter says may I tell him the nature of your call and the Devil tells him. Saint Peter says I will tell him but he is quite busy.

Saint Peter buzzes the Lord and says The Devil is on line 2. The Lord says tell him I am busy. Saint Peter says Lord i know you are busy but I think you ought to take this call.

So the Lord picks up the phone and say Hi Lucifer What's up? And the Devil says I'll make a deal with you.....You don't send me no more Lawyers and I won't mess with your folks on earth no more. The Lord says "well Lucifer what seems to be the problem?" And the Devil says "Them lawyers all got together and are suing for Air Conditioning".

2006-10-29 10:09:49 · 11 answers · asked by barrettins 3

2006-10-29 10:03:14 · 1 answers · asked by brittany_lauren09 2

St. Peter looked up and saw that over 1000 folks from New Jersey were converging on the Pearly Gates.

Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Jersey before, he ran to God and asked him what to do.

God told him, "Don't worry, St. Peter. There's been a terrible flood in New Jersey. That's the reason for the large number of New Jersey folks showing up at once."

St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates, and then ran right back to God yelling, "They're gone, they're gone!"

God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Jersey could not possibly be gone that quickly."

St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"

2006-10-29 09:55:40 · 15 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

2006-10-29 09:53:02 · 21 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The man responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The man responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The man responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The man said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my gragrandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

2006-10-29 09:45:53 · 19 answers · asked by ? 5

This is a good one tell me if its good:
Hey you! What's like an oreo and acts like a girl?
They say: Michael Jackson?
I say: NO you! *OO than i say* get out your pencil and paper cauz u just got schooled! OOO

2006-10-29 09:41:16 · 15 answers · asked by Tiff 1

I have a flat round piece of plastic, with grooves on each side, and a hole in the middle.

2006-10-29 09:39:59 · 31 answers · asked by Mark J 2

General Gasslefield, accused of high treason, is sentenced to death by the court-martial. He is allowed to make a final statement, after which he will be shot if the statement is false or will be hung if the statement is true. Gasslefield makes his final statement and is released.

The Question : What could he have said?

2006-10-29 09:37:44 · 12 answers · asked by Shannizzle 2

Roger is a hard worker who spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, "Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated. The waitress approaches, sees Roger, and says, "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"

"No, no," says Roger. "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says, "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both fists.

At this, the cabby leans over and says, "Sure looks like you picked up a bi*tch tonight, Roger."

2006-10-29 09:31:13 · 20 answers · asked by Citizen 1

what is green and sings?

2006-10-29 09:30:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has keys,but no lock
Has space,but no room
And you can enter it,but never go in?

2006-10-29 09:27:06 · 19 answers · asked by sashomay 2

2006-10-29 09:18:10 · 2 answers · asked by nate_92_dogg 1

now watch some **** moan about this question its inevitable mr anderson!!

2006-10-29 09:17:13 · 1 answers · asked by swapitmaster 2

2006-10-29 09:08:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's Tricky....sorta.....

When can a spider
Have NO eyes
But can see???

10 points to whoever figures it out

2006-10-29 09:00:34 · 18 answers · asked by sashomay 2

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

Disgusted, the Swiss guy drives off. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages and it didn't do him one bit of good."

2006-10-29 08:36:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I absolutely love yo momma jokes, and I also love the show on MTV. I will have a little competition between everyone who answers this question to see who can give me the best yo momma joke(s), and whoever's is the best, i will give best answer to!

2006-10-29 08:35:17 · 21 answers · asked by ACTiNGisLiFE 3

You walked outside and everything and everyone was painted with purple polka dots except your house and you and your familiy?

2006-10-29 08:34:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!

2006-10-29 08:21:24 · 10 answers · asked by ♥ sexylove ♥ 1

2006-10-29 08:21:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This Brother and Sister come forward. The Preacher says what ya'll been ah doin'. And they say Preacher we been ah He'in an ah She'in and the Preacher says bless you Children.

Then a Brother and a Brother come forward. The Preacher says what ya'll been ah doin'. And they say Preacher we been ah He'in and ah He'in. And the Preacher says bless you Brothers.

Then two Sisters come forward. The Preacher says what ya'll been ah doin'. And they say Preacher we been ah She'in and ah She'in. And the Preacher says bless you Sisters.

Then this 12 year old boy comes forward. The Preacher gets a Sheepish look on his face that one so young would be there. After a long silence the Preacher says Boy what does one as young as you have to confess. And the boy says Preacher I been ah Me'in and ah Me'in.

2006-10-29 08:21:10 · 8 answers · asked by barrettins 3

i really want to hear some funny blonde jokes. i laughed really hard at this one but i want to hear more. the one that makes me laugh best get the 10 points. if you wanna put a Q: and A: joke make sure that there is a pretty good size joke to add to that joke. Good Luck! o ya and i will say a few too. i have gotten them from other people but they are really funny.

2006-10-29 08:20:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous