Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-29 08:19:01 · 17 answers · asked by paddy_cyl 1

One day a little girl with a dress on came home with 5 dollars,and her mom said "Where'd u get the money?"The little girl said "I was was doing cartwheels for jimmy while he was in the tree."The mom said okay.So the next day the little girl in the dress came home with 5 more dollars and the mom said"how did u get the money this time"She said the same thing she said yesterday(cartwheels and jimmy in the tree)and the mom said "don't do that anymore"and the girl said okay.So the next day the little girl with the dress comes home with 10 dollars and the mom said "I thought I told u not to that anymore!"and the girl goes but mom I wasn't wearing underwear this time!!"
HAHAHA

2006-10-29 08:07:46 · 16 answers · asked by ♥ sexylove ♥ 1

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded.

"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Kirk replied, "That's okay, I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex.

2006-10-29 08:01:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

read and rate please

So there was this doctor and he walked into a lady's room
he pulls our a pad of paper and a thermometer

he starts to yell

"DAMNIT SOME BUTTHOLE HAS MY PEN"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

hoped you like

2006-10-29 07:54:37 · 15 answers · asked by FredDIEMerCURyLOVer 3

a grumpy man was at home alone at xmas and heard a knock at the door, when he answered there was no-one there as he looked down he saw a snail who said merry xmas. so he kicked the snail from his door and it landed across the road. he thought no more of it and carried on with life. the following easter he was sitting there alone and heard a knock on the door, when he answered there was no-one there, he looked down and saw the snail, the snail said WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR

2006-10-29 07:52:24 · 28 answers · asked by ? 4

A man goes to the optometrist and the optometrist says to the man,"You need to stop masterbating!" The man says," Why, am I going blind?" The optometrist answers,"No ,your disturbing the other patience in the waiting room!"

2006-10-29 07:47:19 · 6 answers · asked by L-Rob 3

on christmas a blind man and his family were all in the living room opening presents the next one came from his son which was a brand new cheese grater the blind man says thank you to him and that he was very kind

next week the son came over and asked did he like the present
the old man said it was very short and was the most violent book he ever read

2006-10-29 07:45:57 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not the grave the loot was in finally but the one they thought it was in?

2006-10-29 07:40:04 · 7 answers · asked by shane c 1

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

2006-10-29 07:39:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-29 07:39:31 · 10 answers · asked by snakewrangler_2005 1

2006-10-29 07:35:54 · 13 answers · asked by chesscrazz 1

Little Melvin was 7 years old and like
other boys his age rather
curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit
about 'making out'
from the older boys, and he wondered
what it was
and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his
mother, who
became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining
things to Ramy, she told him to hide
behind the
curtains one night and watch his older
sister and
her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning,
Melvin described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while,
then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I
figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started
looking
funny.

He must have thought so too, because he
put his
hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the
way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as
the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble
finding her heart. I guess he was getting
sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started
panting
and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold
because he
put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began
to moan

2006-10-29 07:35:06 · 5 answers · asked by apost 3

What do you think????

2006-10-29 07:32:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete a** of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important pr***, pi** on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, f*** him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

2006-10-29 07:25:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You only need one nail to hang a picture.

Anyone else got a religious joke?

2006-10-29 07:17:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus full of terrorists going over a cliff?
~
What Is A Crying Shame?
~
~
~
A buss full of terrorists going over a cliff with one empty seat?

It's only a joke.

2006-10-29 07:12:55 · 3 answers · asked by Saffernellie 6

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s h i t..........

2006-10-29 07:09:12 · 26 answers · asked by Pinky 5

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****!...

2006-10-29 07:07:30 · 9 answers · asked by Pinky 5

2006-10-29 07:06:03 · 36 answers · asked by [[George]] 1

i dont care if i spelled Emimin wrong. its the rapper.

2006-10-29 07:02:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What are your thoughts on trampolining?
What has more than two hearts?

2006-10-29 06:55:46 · 18 answers · asked by HEY 3

What is greater than GOD, More evil than the devil, the poor have it, the rich need it, and if you eat it, you'll die.

2006-10-29 06:54:14 · 21 answers · asked by GO WILD 1

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."



The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."



Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..



Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.



65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

2006-10-29 06:47:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the balloon cross the street?

2006-10-29 06:37:54 · 15 answers · asked by [[George]] 1

seriously! i want to know!!!

2006-10-29 06:34:06 · 15 answers · asked by zim 2

And do ye like jokes and a rousing sailor shanty?
then this is the place for you
http://www.maakies.com/anime.html

After it loads click on SHIP OF JOKES starring Uncle Gabby and MEself.
After spoken intro .....move flock of birds to a boat...click and you will get a joke.
After you have clicked all five boats you will be rewarded with rendition of WHISKEY JOHNNY.

2006-10-29 06:28:20 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boom- I shook the room,
I swept up the debris...with a spoon
Because I couldn't find a broom.

Ooh- how are you?
You look pretty good in your knickers and your tutu,
I think I want to get with you like we used to do in 2002.

Bang- there goes the telly-stand,
Looking at your belly makes me do a pants down,
Squat- coffee table- hot!
Me underneath in my leather and my briefs.

2006-10-29 06:23:33 · 18 answers · asked by tjyf j 1

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a drink, then ..." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

2006-10-29 06:21:38 · 17 answers · asked by Woody 3

on here there are many jokes about many differnet kinds of people
i have seen jokes about black irish scottish deaf blind english mexican and many more and only when a joke about a muslim appears is there this backlash of racism
wow you people need to realise these are jokes and that most other people outside the muslim religion dont take themselves too seriously
so what is it about muslims that make these jokes more racist than any other creed or colour ????????????

2006-10-29 06:19:51 · 18 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A big, mean guy approaches the Produce Clerk demanding, "I want a half head of lettuce!"

The clerk goes to the manager and says, "Some big idiot wants a half head of lettuce..."

He looks over his shoulder and the customer is right behind him.

"...And THIS gentleman would like the other half."

After taking care of the customer, the manager says, "You're quick on your feet. We need enterprising young people like you who can roll with the punches.

How would you like to manage one of our new locations in Canada?"

To this the young clerk replies, "Only whores and hockey players live in Canada!"

The manager responds, "My wife is Canadian!"

The young clerk replies, "And what position does she play?"

2006-10-29 06:19:14 · 15 answers · asked by Woody 3