Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

any one watch this its a soap

2006-10-30 03:14:47 · 8 answers · asked by drummerzrhot 2

In a lecture on sexual behaviour the professor commented on a woman who'd had more than 100 orgasms in one session.
"Bloody hell!" remarked one of the men, stunned, "who was the woman?"
"Never mind that," retorted a woman...."Who was the male?"

2006-10-30 03:14:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Look at these," said the man enthusiastically, "They're called Olympic condoms because they come in gold, silver and bronze!"
"And what are you going to wear tonight?" asked his wife.
"The gold, of course."
"Well it would be nice if you wore the silver one and came second for a change," she replied bitterly. :)

2006-10-30 03:08:58 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Disappearing Wife

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.



Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.






Disappearing Wife

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.



When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.



Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

2006-10-30 03:08:43 · 9 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

A pregnant lady boarded on bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated so she changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. With the help of driver she had him arrested.
The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"
'He won the case'

2006-10-30 03:07:35 · 16 answers · asked by Pd 6

A policeman came upon a stupid man peeing in the river.
"Stop that immediately!" he shouted, "And put it away."
So the stupid man did as he was told, but he couldn't stop himself from doubling up with laughter.
"OK, what's so funny?" demanded the policeman.
"I really fooled you this time laughted Paddy. "I may have put it away, but I didn't stop." :)

2006-10-30 03:03:10 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

2006-10-30 03:00:29 · 10 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

if u do tell me i only have one that my friend told me it goes like this:
Yay im a bitc* u know Y?
cause a ***** is a dog and dogs bark and barks are apart of trees and trees are apart of nature and nature is beautiful so im FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!

2006-10-30 02:57:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

(try laughing at a Shakespere comedy) is flatulance the worlds longest running joke?

2006-10-30 02:32:47 · 10 answers · asked by strawman 4

It is a song I was singing to my dog
I like the fish
My crabs are good
The cats ok
But I love dog

2006-10-30 02:30:52 · 10 answers · asked by Hannah_Montana 2

2006-10-30 02:21:18 · 26 answers · asked by shawnneezy 1

There once was a rebelious robin that rfused to fly south for the winter. As the weather turned colder and colder he found that he would just have to conform and took flight.

Soon the freezing rain covered his wings and he crashed into a cow pasture. A short time later a cow came along and dumped right on the tiny robin.

The cow pie warmed his frozen body and he began to sing. A cat heard his singing, dug him up and ate him.

2006-10-30 02:14:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait at the Los Angeles International Airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly lady from the South.


When the conversation drifted to whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."


"Well, isn't that precious," commented the lady from the South.


The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."


"Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious."


The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought this exquisite diamond bracelet."


And, again, the Southern landy commented, "Well, isn't that precious."


The first woman then asked the Southern lady, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"


"My husband sent me to charm school," said the Southern lady.


"Oh, my God! What on Earth for?" asked the first woman.


"Well, for example," the Southern lady replied, "instead of saying, 'Who gives a sh it!' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious."

2006-10-30 02:11:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

why did the chicken not cross the road?
he was already on the other side

2006-10-30 01:59:13 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple wins a trip to an expensive golf resort. When they arrive, they decided to head straight to the front nine and get in a few holes in before dinner. As the man was getting ready to make his first drive on hole one, he stopped and looked down the fairway and all the way down on both sides were huge houses that had to be worth at least $500,000. He then looked at his wife and said, "Honey, Let's be real careful not to make any mistakes on this course. I would hate to pay for something around here. Some of these windows are probably worth more than my car"

The man then takes his first swing. SLICE!!!! The ball heads straight for a house and goes through the window. The man looks over at his wife and says, "Let's go see what the damage is"

They come up to the front door and ring the door bell. I large man opens the door and holds the golf ball up. "Is this yours", he said.

The husband apologizes and offers the man some money to pay for the window.

2006-10-30 01:48:57 · 25 answers · asked by p_y_t 2

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine
and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him,
saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow/job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!"

2006-10-30 01:47:19 · 14 answers · asked by Citizen 1

Sorry, I can t think of a punch line right now ... Have you noticed what catergory that this question is under ...

2006-10-30 01:43:49 · 6 answers · asked by Just another Yahoo answerer 6

An ugly, mean woman, with her 2 kids walk in to Wal-Mart and the Wal-mart greeter asks the woman "are those your kids" the angered woman says "yes' the greeter looks surprised and asks "are they twins" the woman looks confused and says " how can they be twins one is 3 and the other is 8" and the greeter says......

2006-10-30 01:34:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

when u cross a elephant with a kangaroo a big animal that leaves big holes all over the outback

2006-10-30 01:33:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

2006-10-30 01:31:50 · 20 answers · asked by p_y_t 2

i turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-10-30 01:31:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-30 01:20:59 · 12 answers · asked by ridhi 1

i always crawl i never walk
i stand tall and never talk
im not invisible
but you usually miss me
if you had nerves
you might even kiss me
i come in many coulors
im there every day
after 10 minuets you'll throw me away ?

2006-10-30 01:20:05 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

2006-10-30 00:54:21 · 14 answers · asked by p_y_t 2

a three leged dog goes into a bar in the wild west and says im looking for the man who shot my paw

2006-10-30 00:52:40 · 23 answers · asked by darren v 2

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to join with him during the sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see," "yes," "go on," "I understand," and "how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, "WHOA!!.... WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?"

2006-10-30 00:49:14 · 11 answers · asked by Pd 6

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''

2006-10-30 00:49:01 · 17 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

a penguin walks into a pub and asks the barman have you seen my brother the barman replies what does he look like?

2006-10-30 00:48:06 · 20 answers · asked by darren v 2

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!

2006-10-30 00:42:28 · 16 answers · asked by Kamlesh 2

After dying in a tragic and rather bloody golf cart accident, three men instantaniously arrive at the gates of hell. The devil himself meets them up front. He says "Today, I'm feeling especially generous. I will give you each one chance to escape my domain and live peacefully in heaven." "How is that possible?" says the first man, who graduated from Harvard with high honors. The devil replies "You will each give me a task of your choosing. If I am to complete this task, you must stay with me for eternity. But, if I do not complete your task, you may ascend to the heavens and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates."

The first man decides that he is the smartest, so he will attempt the challenge first. "I want you to count every leaf on every tree and bush and count every blade of grass on the face of the earth and bring me back the answer in one second." The devil smirks, as he knows this will be an easy feat to conquer. He returns in exactly one second with the precise answer

2006-10-30 00:41:35 · 10 answers · asked by p_y_t 2