Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

it was cams eighth birthday and he was playing with his new train set on the porch. his mother walked past and heard him say, ‘toot toot! any f***ing moron who wants to off the f***ing train better do so now. any f***ing losers who want to get on, haul your f***ing asses on now!'
cams mother was mortified that her son was using such foul language. 'listen here, young man, ‘she said sternly. 'we don’t use that language in this house. birthday or not, you go to your room now and stay there for two hours. when you come out, you can play with your new train set, but only if you use nice language.'
cam sulkily went to his room. two hours later he came out and began playing with his train set again. soon the train pulled up at a station and cams mother tiptoed out of the kitchen to eavesdrop on her son. she heard him say, ‘all passengers who are getting off the train, please make sure you leave nothing behind. thank you for traveling with us today and we hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
she hears her son continue, ‘for those of you getting on the train, refreshments will be served in 30 minutes in the dining car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’
The mother smiled. Then cam added, ‘and for those of you who are bothered about the TWO HOUR delay, go take it out on the f***ing b-I-t-c-h in the kitchen

2006-08-31 09:58:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu... But I think its Colin

2006-08-31 09:52:06 · 11 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

Ghetto Parrot!!!!!!!


A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went.
She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went
dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto
the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof
is
on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn!
Burn, muthafukkah, burn!" The crowd on the dance floor would always
cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would

make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild.
This
would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out.

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the
choir stand with her.

And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the
roof,

the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn!

Burn, muthafukkah, burn! She embarrassingly corrected the parrot,

"No, you don't say that here!!"


The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same
muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!

2006-08-31 09:51:43 · 37 answers · asked by Xae 6

> A man walks into a restaurant with afull-grown ostrich behind him. The
> waitress asks them for their orders.
>
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to theostrich,
> "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be$9.40
> please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exactchange
> for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
> "Ahamburger, fries and a coke."
>
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches intohis
pocket
> and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
> thewaitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
asalad,"
> says the man.
>
> "Same," says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be$32.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
> onthe table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir.How
> do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
> everytime?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning theattic and found
> an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered metwo wishes.
My
> first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I wouldjust put my
> hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always bethere."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would askfor a million
> dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you wantfor as long
as
> you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
> exactmoney is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chickwith
> a big *** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

2006-08-31 09:51:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 09:50:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day,

To any of you out there who've yet to have kids; If you're still deciding whether or not to bring some into this poor farting world, I highly recommend you go to lunch at some freaking fast food place and sit next to a bunch of them!

A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"  

So I said, "Well, they're not against you, buddy, just against anyone in Poland."  

"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.  

Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me, but luckily he couldn't find a place to plug it in. BWAAAHAHAHAHA

My parents came over, after WW2, from Poland! Thie 'Polish' is the way I heard this joke but it works as a Blonde, Black, Irish, Italian and any other joke!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-31 09:35:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Most original and one that make me laugh the most gets to point.

Here's mine:

Two cows standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and say "Have you heard of this Mad Cow disease". The second cow responds "Why do I care, I'm a helicopter"

2006-08-31 09:28:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

MY DAD IS A FATHER



A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and

noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, wh

was a priest, said, " I am a Father."



The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds"

and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and

said,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

2006-08-31 09:24:03 · 12 answers · asked by eve 2

Alice and Johnny Love each other
They are seen all over town kissing and hugging
but no one expects them to get married

Why?

2006-08-31 09:18:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-31 09:17:42 · 7 answers · asked by hotsauce919rr 3

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical..

2006-08-31 08:57:53 · 9 answers · asked by Cyndi Storm 4

Let me know when you give up & I'll give you the answer.

2006-08-31 08:51:16 · 10 answers · asked by Mary 4

2006-08-31 08:36:15 · 16 answers · asked by Me♥Manatees 3

If the answer is "the freezing point of water is 273.15°" what was the question?

Ten points to the first correct answer (or do I mean question. well you know)

2006-08-31 08:35:58 · 19 answers · asked by mort_the_apprentice 2

Amuse me then.

2006-08-31 08:30:54 · 55 answers · asked by ESKORBUTIN 4

any good jokes or riddles that will make me laugh my head off? Best one gets ten points!

2006-08-31 08:25:52 · 10 answers · asked by Krista~Z 2

2006-08-31 08:23:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Naw, you don't want to hear it, it's retarded.

2006-08-31 08:03:51 · 15 answers · asked by NA 6

^_^

2006-08-31 07:59:25 · 10 answers · asked by Spike 1

A man is having a pee in a pub toilet and next to him is a man standing at the urinal but without any arms. So feeling obliged he says, "Can you manage?"
The man says "Would you mind pulling my thing out, pointing it while I pee and then giving it a shake?"
He feels very awkward at having to do this but does as asked. As he's holding it he notices it's covered with scabs and all kinds of scars, he gives it a shake, puts it back in and says "Do you mind if I ask what's wrong with your manhood?"
At which the bloke pulls his arms out from under his coat and says, "Who knows, but I'm not touching it!"

2006-08-31 07:30:33 · 36 answers · asked by Pd 6

there is a # that is based out of chicago that you give to guys/girls when you don't want to give out your #. When you call it, it says something like,"I'm sorry but you are a looser and that is why you were given this #, somebody must think you are ugly, fat. smelly etc"
Any clue anyone!?!?!?!

2006-08-31 07:30:05 · 9 answers · asked by CRAZYGIRL 4

i'm tired i'm achy my hair has turned into a ball of frizz and its still not even friday ....can you tell me something to make me smile?

2006-08-31 07:27:16 · 18 answers · asked by uplate 5

2006-08-31 07:22:44 · 20 answers · asked by Sweety 1

a man came home one night and found his wife in bed with a midget he said i thought you werent going to be unfaifull again wife said well im cutting down arent a

2006-08-31 07:14:54 · 35 answers · asked by jericho sland 4

This is a kind of fruit known to all.

2006-08-31 07:13:35 · 8 answers · asked by zabardast 1

2006-08-31 07:13:09 · 6 answers · asked by Blue-Eyed Soul Jim 1

hey,can any1 give me some real cool (&clean)fun lists

2006-08-31 07:07:29 · 4 answers · asked by Lamya 6

This is an inanimate object.

2006-08-31 07:06:34 · 15 answers · asked by zabardast 1

all the goodones are taken and the rest are handicapped

2006-08-31 07:06:04 · 7 answers · asked by gottifan08 2

2006-08-31 07:01:51 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous