whats the funniest joke you've ever heard?make me laugh and get 10 points?

Question

i knew a muslim
his name was jim,
somebody threw a tomato at him,
tomatoes are soft,
they dont hurt skin,
this one did,
it was still in the tin!!!

Answer 1

A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, 'Sir, can you tell me the time?' The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, 'It is a quarter to three, young man.' 'Thanks,' said the boy. 'At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my as*.' With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. 'Why are you running like this at your age?' asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, 'That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his as*!' 'So what's your hurry,' said the friend. 'You still have ten minutes.'

Answer 2

Was That Meant To be Funny???So How Did He Throw The Tomatoe At Him If it Was Stiill In The Tin??

Answer 3

An Aussie was sitting at a bar in Sydney when
this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell
him
that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

Answer 4

A man in a flaming red Porche was flying down the freeway when a state trooper pulled out behind him with lights flashing. Just as the trooper got close to the Porche, the driver pinned it and took off.

The trooper, following procedure, called for back up. In the end there were 7 patrol cars dispatched.

When the troopers finally got the car stopped, by throwing a nail belt underneath the tires, the trooper asked the driver," What the hell is you problem? Didn't you see me following you?"

The driver of the car replied," Yes, officer, I saw you."

"Then why didn't you pull over?"

"Well last week my wife ran off with a police officer." said the driver.

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, I thought you were him and that you were trying to bring her back!"

Answer 5

A PERFECT DIET!

A quote from a man with a Labrador Retriever:

"I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind the woman I was describing the diet to.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, and went on to explain that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

Answer 6

Two guys are out camping. After a full day of fishing and fun they decide to go to bed in their own tents. One of the men woke up early in the morning to the sounds of his friend wailing in pain.

"What happened" He asked.

"I got bit by a snake...on my penis!" yells the other man.

"ok, I'll go back to the town and get a remedy" Says the man, and he took off running.

At the town in a hospital.....

The man finds a doctor and asks him how to cure a snake bite.

"It's easy really. You just suck out the posion and spit it out, if you don't then your friend WILL die. But he is sure to live if you do this." Says the doctor

"thank you!" said the man and he ran back towards the campsite.

At the campsite.....
The man enters the tent and his friend is still whinning in pain.

Panting still, the mans says, "sorry dude, the doc. said you're going to die"

Answer 7

somone told me this one..sorry blonde joke...i have nothing against blondes:


one day i was at the supermarket and i parked my car and a woman appeared to be sleeping.
i did my shopping and came out to find the same woman in the same position she was in before i shopped.
i tapped on the window to mke sure everything was ok.
i peeked in and saw her holding the back of her head.
she saw me and told me to call her an ambulance.
she said she had been shot and thought her brains were comming out of her head.
she heard a loud bang and felt gooey stuff on the back of her head.
i quickly called an ambulance and they came.
they put her on a stretcher and said,
i dont think your brains are gushing out of your head.
come to find out there was a dough in the backseat that exploded in the heat that got all over the car.

she was in fact a blonde...

Answer 8

One day, a man walked into a barbershop wearing a pair of headphones. "Give me a trim", he said to the barber,"but don't take my headphones off or I'll die." The barber started cutting the man's hair, but realized the headphones were getting in the way. In order to finish the haircut, he took the headphones off. In a few moments, the man slumped to the floor, dead. The barber picked up the headphones, put them close to his ear , and heard a voice saying,"Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...

Answer 9

It's not the funniest, but i like this one.

A man gets pulled over by the police on the highway for drunk driving, he says:

"But officer, I wasn't drinking and driving, can you seriouslly call what I was doing back there driving?"

Answer 10

joke?

my mom told that i would have a bad eyesight if i go to sleep right after taking a bath and i leave my hair wet

well after 25 years i can still see everything :)