Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie - what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.



The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."



"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.



Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?" To which Ed replies, "Sssshhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".

2006-09-01 01:37:06 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

As I lay on my bed, I fell this strong urge to grab
> you and
> > squeeze you, because I can't forget last
> night......
> >
> > You came to me while my eyes were closed,
> unexpectedly during
> > the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my
> bed still
> > leaves a tingling sensation.
> >
> > You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly,
> without any
> reservations,laid
> > on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so
> you
> > started to bite my body without any guilt or
> humiliation, and you
> drove me
> > crazy while you slowly sucked me dry.
> >
> > Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up,
> you were gone. I
> searched
> > for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore
> witness to last
> > nights events.
> >
> > My body still shows your marks, making it harder
> to forget you.
> >
> > Tonight I will remain awake ........ waiting for
> you.... you

2006-09-01 01:29:47 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Psalms of America

George Bush is my shepherd,
I shall not want,
He leadeth me beside the still factories,
He restoreth my doubt in American politics.

He guideth me to the path of unemployment,
He anointeth my wages with freeze,
So my expenses runneth over my income,
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow his
administration.

5000 years ago Moses said "Pack your camel,
pick up your shevel, mount your *** and I shall lead
you to the Promise land."

5000 years later, Franklin Roosevelt said, "Lay down
your shovel, sit on your *** and light up a Camel,
this is the Promise land."

Today, George Bush will tax your shovel, sell your
camel, kick your *** and tell you that the Promise
Land is in Japan.

P.S. I'm glad I'm an American, I'm glad I'm free, but
I wish I was a dog and george Bush was a tree.

2006-09-01 01:25:32 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Doctor to the wife of his sick patient... " Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following he will surely die.
Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times
For lunch make him a nutritious meal
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal
No chores, No nagging.... Oh yes , and make love several times a week. do this for the next year and he will regain his health completely'

The husband asks his wife what the doctor said.....
she replies 'You're going to die!'

2006-09-01 01:21:46 · 20 answers · asked by ragdoll 3

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.


Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!



Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.





A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.



The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!


I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.



I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.





Celebrate Womanhood! Share this with all of those amazingly brilliant and tremendously talented women who are intelligent enough to call YOU their friend :-) !!!

2006-09-01 01:14:57 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck a wood?

2006-09-01 00:55:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's because my head is heavier due to the excessive size of my brain, right? Seriously I need to know why?

2006-09-01 00:50:42 · 9 answers · asked by ticklefoot 4

Sorry guys, this is so good, I have to repeat it - hope it doesn't get lost in the various translations of the word 'tight'.

Man walked into a pub in Ballycastle accompanied by a flamingo and a black & white cat.
Give me three Guinesses, one for me, one for the flamingo and one for the cat. The surprised barman did as he was told.
Ten minutes later the flamingo ordered the same , then the man reordered, then the flamingo, then the man again and finally the flamingo.
The barman could not hide his curiosity and asked the man It's not often I serve a man, a flamingo and a cat - I also noticed that you bought several rounds of drinks and so did the flamingo, but the cat didn't buy at all - what's the story?
Well, said the man,I was down at Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge and I caught a leprechaun who promised me a wish if I let him go
Did you let him go, and what did you wish for? asked the barman
That I did replied the man -and I wished for a long-legged bird with a tight pussey

2006-09-01 00:50:36 · 11 answers · asked by surdy 2

why was piglet looking down the toilet?



he was looking for pooh!!!!
(he then goes into hysterical laughter)

2006-09-01 00:46:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

* Excuse me "Your Honor," but she was on top.

* I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV.

* She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16.

* Hey, at least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Jennifer Flowers.

* I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my
second term
in office.

* I was jealous of Nixon with his "Tricky Dick" nickname.

* I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is
the 90's, I
sent her E-MAIL!

* See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!

* My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William
KENNEDY Clinton.

* I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans--
oops, I
mean it was in my genes.

* I didn't insert!

2006-09-01 00:42:51 · 7 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

This is a true extract from the London Evening Standard.

Title :- SWIMMER TRAPPED BY BEACH BALLS

A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found that his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood.
Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea.
When he sat down they slipped through the slats and then, as he sat in the sun, they gradually expanded back to normal size.
He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile and they sent a member of staff along who cut the deckchair in half to release him.
OUCH

2006-09-01 00:25:26 · 9 answers · asked by surdy 2

2006-09-01 00:20:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-01 00:20:33 · 14 answers · asked by raaob 1

I am a thing...The teacher hate me...the cow like me...Gold also like me...Monkey want to eat me...I am a 9 letter word: _O__M__Y_

so reply me....

2006-09-01 00:11:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man is driving his wife at a steady 40 mph along a highway, when, out of the blue his wife says "I want a divorce".
The man says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increases speed to 50 mph.
"Dont try to talk me out of it. I am sick of you and I have been having an affair with your best friend and he's much better in bed than you ever were"
The man stays quiet but grips the steering wheel tightly and slowly increases to 60 mph.
" I'm taking the house and the car"
Speed increases to 70 mph.
"I'm also taking the bank accounts, credit cards and the boat"
Up to 80 mph
This now makes her nervous and she shouts " Cant you say something? Isn't there ANYTHING you want?"
"No he replies -- I've got everything I need"
"Really ---- and just what have you got, you loser -- I'm taking everything"

Just before they slam into the wall of a massive concrete bridge at 80 mph, he looks at her and says,

" The airbag"

2006-09-01 00:07:53 · 18 answers · asked by surdy 2