Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

... a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden joining the Democratic Society of Young Maoists?

2006-09-02 02:09:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If Will Shakespeare and Sir Walter Raleigh went into the fast food business, they would name the franchise 'Spud As U Like It.'

2006-09-02 02:06:59 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The second world war could have ended sooner had Churchill eloped with his German mistress as it would have killed Hitler by breaking his heart.

2006-09-02 02:04:39 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

2006-09-02 01:58:01 · 12 answers · asked by LiN 6

i know its disgusting but its only a joke.

2006-09-02 01:56:00 · 6 answers · asked by Deano™ 7

A guy and his wife are lying in bed when the husband starts caressing her back.
“Not tonight, dear,” she says. “I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow.” The husband rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he turns back and again starts caressing her back.
“Honey, stop,” she says. “I told you I have to go to the gynecologist in the morning.”
“I know,” he answers. “But you don’t have to go to the dentist, do you?”

2006-09-02 01:53:27 · 11 answers · asked by LiN 6

2006-09-02 01:23:31 · 10 answers · asked by HOT STAR 2

Why is it that even when i warned and advised you gys not to answer this question, you still checked to see what it was about...ON top of that you still have this tingly sensation to answer it....I don't mean no harm, its just that i'm one of you people and I would have done the same thing if i saw it. What i don't get is, WHY? WHY? why do we still do it

2006-09-02 01:04:07 · 54 answers · asked by 0_0 4

a man and his wife are lying in bed, when all of a suddent the wife asks "honey if i died would you get a new girlfriend?" bewildered at this the husband replies "what?..." he is cut off with "no honestly if i dropped dead would you move on and get another girlfriend?" the husband then replies yes. she asks "would you get married again?" again he replies "yes" she asks him next would you let her live in our house? would you let her sleep on my sided of the bed?" the husband now comfortable with theses questions answers yes. finally she asks "would you let her use my golf clubs?" and he replied quite swiftly "no she's left handed... oh sh!t"

2006-09-02 00:57:08 · 13 answers · asked by poony!!! 4

The beautiful mistress of the house told James, the butler, that she and her much older husband would be out very late that night. He was free to retire early if he liked. Arriving home alone, and much earlier than expected, the mistress called James to her bedroom.

"Please close the door," she said. He secured it behind him. "Now take off my dress," she said. He did so. "Now my bra and panties." He obeyed.

As the tension in the room mounted, she fixed him with a stare. "Now," she commanded, "don't ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"

2006-09-02 00:49:03 · 7 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

ok there is one answer to this (well its the answer i always use)
who ever gueses it get the 10 points.

2006-09-02 00:29:21 · 8 answers · asked by Pinkie 2

it goes something like his: if missouri wears a new jersey, and mississippi wears ______, what will delaware?? something like that! does anyone know it entirely please???

2006-09-02 00:24:54 · 5 answers · asked by Lux 4

2006-09-02 00:21:23 · 5 answers · asked by jabir108 1

Does anyone actually know this one?

2006-09-01 23:43:39 · 28 answers · asked by sexy_n_chicago 3

Click below and tell me if my Bunny is Possessed!!!!
http://www.angryalien.com/0204/exorcistbunnies.html

2006-09-01 23:43:16 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

>>>A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia
>>>Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as
he
>>>doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her.
>>>
>>>He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He
gets to
>>>the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He
>>>takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens
it
>>>to find $1 Million.
>>>
>>>This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing
his
>>>mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window
and
>>>draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan
and
>>>dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be
>>>beckoning him and shouting.
>>>
>>>Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and
turns
>>>around.
>>>
>>>In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as
well.
>>>
>>>He asks the leprechaun what is going on.
>>>
>>>"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as
I
>>>was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the
road
>>>and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for
>>>saving me."
>>>
>>>"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed,
yeah I
>>>got that one. What about the other two?"
>>>
>>>"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a
cool
>>>million."
>>>
>>>"And them out there?" asks the guy,
>>>
>>>"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man".
>>>
>>>

2006-09-01 23:37:07 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-09-01 23:33:30 · 15 answers · asked by realzorro 1

i have two horns ,but not a cow . i run fast , but not a deer . i have two leg but not a human .
guess??
who am i???

2006-09-01 23:20:47 · 19 answers · asked by XYZ 2

Take a look at my Grandsons!

Should I dance or buy a moped?
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/newsletter/issue22/moped.html

2006-09-01 23:20:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man who once lived in Briggen
Went to sea to recover from friggin
But after a week
As they climbed the fore peak
He buggered the mate in the rigging


There was a young writer called Twain
Whose prick had a sinister stain
And when he bent down
You could see it was brown
And was said to wash off in the rain.


A scrofulous woman from Chester
Said to the man who undressed her
I think you will find
That it's better behind
The front is beginning to fester.

2006-09-01 23:13:43 · 7 answers · asked by Atheist 2

Whilst working on land the farmer suddenly got the urge for sex, so he rushed back to the farmhouse told his wife to get up stairs, strip and lay on the bed because he wanted to make mad passionate love with her.

The wife goes up stairs eventually gets out of her dress and under garments and lays on the bed next to her husband.

The time taken for the wife to get undressed is long that the farmer looses the urge. So he says to her "The next time you see me running towards the farmhouse waving my arms, you stripped off and be on the bed ready for me"

After several months, the wife working in the kitchen sees her husband running towards the farmhouse waving his arms. She rushes to the bedroom, strips off, lays on the bed, just intime for her husband to burst in and say, "Get off the bed you sex manic the farmhouse is on fire!"

2006-09-01 22:44:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is more powerful than God.
It is more evil than the Devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it, you'll die.
What is it?

2006-09-01 21:56:30 · 22 answers · asked by leo.soul 2

Only answer this if you despise Carrie Underwood as much as I do and no I'm not jealous of her first off I'm a guy and I have a girlfriend who dislikes her as much as I do. If you can answer as Leary or Rickles insulting the little whiner and make it funny I'll give you 10 points if you answer defending her or insulting me just to get 2 points shame on you.

2006-09-01 21:15:53 · 5 answers · asked by gerbil31603 5

There was this man who was down on his luck went to this bar and drank several drinks, when he was done he stood up and walked toward the door. The bartender shouted at the man, "Hey mister, pay for those drinks"
The man looked back and replied "I already paid you," then walked out . Immediately he saw one of his friends and told him about the bartender, "Just go in there and drink all you want then get up and leave, When the bartender asks you to pay the tab, just tell him you already did." This sounded easy enough so he went in and had several drinks, The bartender went to him and said, "Before you came in, another man was here, when I asked him to pay his tab he told me he already did, but I don't remember him paying."
The man replied, "I would love to stay and hear your story but I don't have time, can I have my change please?"

2006-09-01 21:11:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I bought a new high-end car and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!"

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he said, and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles" or "Stones" I'd get one of their classic songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. "A-s-s-holes!" I yelled.

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE my new car!

2006-09-01 21:09:26 · 13 answers · asked by Woody 3

These gems are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

2006-09-01 21:09:22 · 10 answers · asked by china 2

After a local Post Office burglary, four suspects were being interviewed. Below is a summary of their statements. Police know that each of them told the truth in one of the statements and lied in the other. From this information can you tell who committed the crime?


Alan said:
It wasn't Derek
It wasn't Brian

Brian said:
It wasn't Charles
It was Derek

Charles said:
It was Alan
It wasn't Derek

Derek said:
It was Charles
It wasn't Alan

2006-09-01 21:06:14 · 16 answers · asked by beautiful mind 2

At a recent Pets Anonymous reunion, the attendees were discussing which pets they had recently owned. James used to have a dog. The person who used to own a mouse now owns a cat, but the person who used to have a cat does not have a mouse. Kevin has now or used to have a dog, I can't remember which. Becky has never owned a mouse. Only one person now owns the pet they previously had. Rebecca said very little throughout the meeting and nobody mentioned the hamster. Can you determine who owns which pet and what they used to own?

2006-09-01 21:05:10 · 4 answers · asked by beautiful mind 2

A neurobiology graduate student was working on his dissertation, and went to a brain store to get some brains to complete his lab study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brains offered at this particular store, and questions the proprietor about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" he asks.

"$3 an ounce," the shopkeeper says.

"That's not too bad," the biology student says, considering his budget. "How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"$12 an ounce," the man says.

The student thinks about the cross-section he needs to make his study rigorous and asks, "OK, how much for a fundamentalist right-wing politician's brain?"

The proprietor lifts an eyebrow and proclaims, "$1,800 an ounce."

"Why is that kind of brain so much more?" the shocked student asks.

"Listen, pal," the busy shopkeeper says. "Do you have any idea how many fundamentalist right-wing politicians we have to harvest to get one ounce of brain?!"

2006-09-01 21:01:56 · 19 answers · asked by Woody 3

These are genuine extracts from letters received by the Ministry of Social Security which deals with public welfare . (Original spelling)

1. I am glad to state that my husband dies yesterday. I will be glad if you will get me a pension. If you don't hurry up with it, I will have to get public resistance.

2. I cannot get eternity benefit in spirt of the fact that I have seen the insistence officer. I have 8 children. What can I do about it ?

3.I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole. I am visited regularly by the clergy. Will you writ to the pensins minister for me as I don't know which church he is in charge of? I can do wiht a pensin as I have no clothes on for a year.

4. I am enclosing my marriage certificate with 3 children. One of them is a mistake as you will see when you look into it. I am writing to say my younges is born two years old. Why am I not getting allowance for it ?

5.I enclose certificate with six children. One of them is a twin and dead. You asked if he is christened. Yes, he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain chaplain in the Salvation Army.

6. The man I live with won't work as he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you search the records for him and let me know?

7. I should like to get more pension since my son is in charge of a spittoon (mean platoon). I got separation money when he listened (means enlisted). You want to know what part he was wounded. If it is all the same to you, he was wounded in the Dandy Nell (Dardenelles).

8. I am writing to you truly, yes, I was confirmed with a boy weighing 70 pounds. Let me know if this is what you want to know, because I have fallen into error with the landlord and need it badly to pay the rent.

9. In accordance with you instructions I gave birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

10. I want money bad as quick as you can send it. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week, and he doesn't seem to be doing any good. If things don't improve I will have to get another doctor.

11. Milk is need for baby. Father unable to suppy it.

12. Re your dental enquiry. The teeth at the top are all right, but the ones in my bottom are hurting terrible.

13. Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby 2 months old and did not know anything about it until a neighbour told me.

14. Please send me a form for milk as I am stagnant.

15. Please send me a form for cheap milk for having babies at reduced rates.

16. My son has been unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe

2006-09-01 20:59:39 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4