Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

2006-09-01 13:25:52 · 16 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in Britain.
Can YOU comedown tot the Police station and prove them wrong?... OR
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you w*nk, do u think
1.U ned more time together
2.She's a prude
3.She should've sat elsewhere on the bus
lol...hopefully.. I apologise in advance but its half one in the morning..

2006-09-01 13:24:30 · 10 answers · asked by Platinum 3

I want to know more about when is it peanut butter jelly / with the baseball bat...

2006-09-01 13:16:57 · 7 answers · asked by 0_0 4

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that something was wrong with his thing and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.He got in touch with her and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed.
"I did," he said,
"and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick me up from school."

2006-09-01 13:13:48 · 18 answers · asked by Reca 2

2006-09-01 13:07:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

2006-09-01 13:03:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

lue #1 " YOU LIKE TO PUT SOMETHING HARD AND ROUND INSIDE OF ME"

clue #2 "YOU ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO TURN ME ON"

clue #3 " WHEN YOU GET ENOUGH OF ME , IS WHEN YOU REALLY TURN ME OFF"

WHAT AM I?

2006-09-01 12:55:36 · 11 answers · asked by Gurlie 2

solve the following equations, each one seperate. say the answer to each one out loud. then scroll down and answer the question. ok, her goes:

what is 5 + 5?

what is 6 + 4?

what is 9 + 1?

































































































quickly, name a vegetable

now scroll down............
















































































































was it a carrot? let me know if it worked

2006-09-01 12:54:56 · 18 answers · asked by bakbiter 3

2006-09-01 12:43:42 · 12 answers · asked by Lone Ranja™ 3

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

2006-09-01 12:40:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can copy from the show btw. (Unless its a bad joke).

2006-09-01 12:31:07 · 15 answers · asked by WINNER 1

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over & going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself & bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Use a timer.
6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer & you will forget about the toothache.
*Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
*You only need two tools: WD-40 & Duct Tape. If it doesn't move & should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move & does, use the duct tape.
*Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

2006-09-01 12:23:41 · 12 answers · asked by Reca 2

2 identical twins walk into the bar; lets name 'em: Jack and Daniel (their names have nothing to do with the riddle).

They each order the same exact drink.

Jack drank his iced beverage fast and finishes it, while Daniel slowly sips on his iced beverage.

After Daniel had finished his drink, he collapsed to the floor and died!

What caused Daniel to die!?

*10 points to the first correct answer*

2006-09-01 12:22:06 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-01 12:21:10 · 14 answers · asked by kishamarz 2

a man had been suffering from terrible headaches for years and years. finally he decided he couldn’t stand the pain anymore.
'doctor, you gotta do something!' he pleaded. 'well, the latest cure for this type of thing is pretty severe, but we know it works,’ replied the doctor gravely. 'it’s castration.'
the man was horrified, but could put up with his headaches for no longer. the next week, he underwent the operation. the headaches disappeared as the doctor promised, and the man landed himself an interview with an important finance company. Needing a new suit for the interview, the man went shopping.
'looks like you take a size 38,'said the salesman as he pulled some suits off the rack. 'that’s pretty good,’ said the man. how did you know that?'
'mate, when you’ve been in this business as long as I have, you get to know this sort of thing.' he then pulled out some underwear.
'hmm,i guess a 36 for these,’ he said. 'well, you’re wrong there,’ said the man. I’ve been a 34 for years.'
no, you’re definitely a 36,' insisted the salesman
'look, I should know. I always wear 34.’
Well, okay,’ said the salesman. but they’re going to pinch your balls and give you headaches

2006-09-01 12:17:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. =]]

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you’re going to pass this on to people.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

Hope this gave u a laugh cause it did me.

2006-09-01 11:57:37 · 35 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

2006-09-01 11:57:23 · 6 answers · asked by IDNTGIVASHT 6

2006-09-01 11:49:08 · 15 answers · asked by Singletary 2

Only one color, but not one size,
Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies.
Present in sun, but not in rain,
Doing no harm, and feeling no pain.
What is it.

2006-09-01 11:43:44 · 13 answers · asked by IDNTGIVASHT 6

>>A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
>>in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
>>He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
>>backyard.
>>
>>The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
>>retriever sitting there.
>>
>>"You talk?" he asks.
>>
>>"Yep," the Lab replies.
>>
>>"So, what's your story?"
>>
>>The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
>>was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA in
>>no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
>>rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
>>be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
>>running."
>>
>>"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
>>any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
>>airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
>>characters and listening in."
>>
>>"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
>>I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
>>
>>The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
>>the dog.
>>
>>"Ten dollars," the guy says.
>>
>>"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
>>cheap?"
>>
>>"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."

2006-09-01 11:42:56 · 10 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

I am slim and tall,
Many find me desirable and appealing.
They touch me and I give a false good feeling.
Once I shine in splendor,
But only once and then no more.
For many I am "to die for".
What am I?

2006-09-01 11:42:25 · 7 answers · asked by IDNTGIVASHT 6

I'm sometimes white,
Although sometimes I'm black.
I take you there,
But never bring you back.
What am I?

2006-09-01 11:41:09 · 11 answers · asked by IDNTGIVASHT 6

Q.why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A.to do the funny parot dance!!!!

2006-09-01 11:40:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns
the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a
brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something
very niceand expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for
thesuccesses of our sons. .What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a Stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame ...
what a disappointment."The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends!"

2006-09-01 11:34:55 · 26 answers · asked by Claire U.K 3

to the first person who can answer with the correct answer.

what is..............
4 times 5 plus 10 devided by 3 plus 72 minus 28 devided by 4 = ??


prize = best answer


remember, whoever can ansswer first with the correct answer, so HURRY!!!!!!!

2006-09-01 11:24:34 · 17 answers · asked by justmeandmyboy 2

I'm bored, Got any good jokes?

2006-09-01 11:07:48 · 21 answers · asked by Katia 1

Any joke is fine as long as it is funny to you or others.Please send as many jokes as you can.

2006-09-01 11:01:29 · 6 answers · asked by masterchief0622 2

I know its not a question but I thought some of you could do with a laugh.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

2006-09-01 11:00:06 · 25 answers · asked by Claire U.K 3

Elizabeth, Lizzy, Betsy, and Bess, they all went together to seek a bird's nest. They found a bird's nest with five eggs in. If they all took one out, how many were in?

2006-09-01 10:57:03 · 19 answers · asked by LADY ICE 3

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was, which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


HOW DID YOU DO? DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

2006-09-01 10:56:06 · 14 answers · asked by Claire U.K 3